AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.
If the last year didn't already prove it, the NFL is turning into the Eastside High School of professional sports. Roger Goodell's latest smackdown on the Patriots proves he's in Crazy Joe Clark-mode permanently. But after inheriting a league in dire need of an image makeover, there needed to be a new HNIC to get things straightened out.
His first order of duty? Clean up the riff-raff.
"I want all of you to take a good look at these people on the risers behind me...(Pac Man, Odell, Tank, Michael)..."
And since none of them were going to graduate anyway, they've all been expurgated. If Pac-Man tries sniveling back again, begging for a second chance because his mom's gonna kill him, he'll need to get marched up to the rooftop of Goodell's office for a proper reality check." You smoke crack doncha? Jump. Gaw head, jump!"
With the latest scandal, Bill Belichick plays the role of the mouthy music teacher, only concerned with getting his kids to the national chorus championships every year, rolling his eyes at all this rah-rah discipline. Well, a $500,000 fine and an executed draft pick(s) later should keep him on point. The undermining of authority will not be tolerated. Now, go wash your hoodie and stop spying.
Is this punishment excessive? Possibly. However, it manages to keep Goodell's message: No more shenanigans! (As does, you know, dispatching NFL security to make house calls because some idiot decides to ask questions about dog fighting to the wrong PR flack.)
This is a new league, and here's Roger Goodell with a megaphone and a baseball bat. We're only one more character smudge away from him having to put chains on the inside of the doors.
So, this week, I'm dressing up like Kid Ray, impregnating Kaneesha and placing odds on the next heavy-handed discipline Roger Goodell will hand down.
Let's help him carry on, after this MORE.
No Ho Policy: 1/5
There will be no more one night stands. Those players who wish to engage in promiscuous sexual activity will have to do so with a wife or girlfriend of more than three months. There'll be no more side projects, no more sandbagging. You take one woman at a time, and keep her satisfied until your heart desires in a proper, respectful manner befitting a professional athlete. Players will be allowed to perform one exceptionally challenging sexual position per calendar year, and all female receptacles must be properly sterilized to prevent unwanted pregnancies.
No More Click-Clacking: 2/1
Under Armour wear no longer contributes to the positive image Goodell wants to project. There is too much yelling in the commercials, the imagery is too thuggy, and the clothing itself shows a quarter-inch more nipple that is becoming of a player in the new NFL. If players would like to wear clothing underneath your uniform, it mustn't be tight, nor comfortable, and it must cover the midsection. Oh, and jock straps and underwear must be worn at all times, now. There have been too many loose snakes in the garden and too many sweat-shooting anal crevices on national television. It's bad for business.
Tattoo Covering: 2/1
If players have tattoos, they can't be scene on the playing field or anytime they're out in public where cameras are visible. The league will hand out bottles of flesh-colored body paint according to each player's skin tone, which will be considered part of a league mandated uniform. (If players choose to have their tattoos removed, they'll be rewarded bonuses.) And there will be fines assessed for any new tattoos the player receives during his tenure as an NFL employee.
Swear Jars: 1/1
Players will be fined for each curse word based on the severity of the curse word uttered: "Damn" is $20; Racial epithets are $1,000; "Steaming bag of pony cunt", "Cock-swallowing toilet rapist", "Dead lady pussy breath", et al are all $20,000+. Each week, Goodell will meet with Steve Sabol and his NFL Films crew to go through each individual teams' games and sideline banter to tally up the totals.