What Group of People Will Phil Jackson Offend Next?


AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.

Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson caused a mini-firestorm this week when in his attempt at post-game humor, inadvertently offended a handful of homosexuals. Jackson was quoted as saying the Lakers' loss to the San Antonio Spurs was called a "Brokeback Mountain" game because of all the "penetration" and "kickouts." The beat writers got a laugh out of it. Gays? Not so much.

Now, let me start by saying, I like the gays. I have one friend who's a full-blown gay, and plenty of friends I'm positive are repressed homos who I treat just like I would a real gay. For example, I wouldn't enter a communal shower with my buddy Carl without wearing an extra pair of underwear beneath my towel. That's why we call him "Princess Carl," "Cocklovin' Carl," "Captain Carl Rod-smoker," "Carl the Balloon Knot Inspector," among many other things. All in good fun, mind you. But this situation appears to be completely overblown. (No pun intended.)

The Zen-huffing coach made a great point about why the joke went over so poorly. He acknowledged that in his profession this type of humor is frowned upon, and he half-heartedly apologized for his verbal misstep. (He even apologized to horses, presumably both gay and straight ones.) Regardless, you got the sense that there was more eye-rolling from Jackson than sincerity. At the start of what appears to be a shitty season full of Kobe-induced headaches and unfulfilled expectations, Jackson is indicating that he doesn't have time to deal with the P.C. police on top of everything else. Given his outward impatience and indifference to this issue, it's clear that he's not going to rethink anything that comes out of his mouth for the rest of the year — this is only the beginning.

So, this week, I'm refreshing Towelroad every 10 minutes, spending $50 on a haircut, and placing odds on the next group of people Phil Jackson will offend this year.

Let's go blow some sacred cows, after this page-view increasing click-through.

What Group of People Will Phil Jackson Offend Next?

Autistic Children: 2/1

"This is one of those games I like to call a 'J-Mac Game.' The other team could just throw any idiot on the floor and have them make a three-pointer. Granted, they couldn't count to three without smacking themselves in the face or standing alone in the corner licking the wall, but those are the breaks sometime. Honestly, who was playing point guard for them in the fourth quarter? Was that Jenny McCarthy's kid out there?"

What Group of People Will Phil Jackson Offend Next?

Women: 5/1

"This is one of those games I like to call a "Roofie Game." We're out there on the floor seemingly in control then, before we know it, we wake up tied to the bed post with tape over our mouths getting pounded by five dudes. Seriously, if you took a swab of Derek Fisher after this debacle, you're going to find remnants of their whole team on him. I'm going to make him pee on one of those kazoo-shaped things just to make sure he's not pregnant."

What Group of People Will Phil Jackson Offend Next?

Immigrants: 4/1

"This is one of those games I like to call the 'Wetback Special.' Any kind of defense we put out there, they seemed to bust right through it. Next time, I'll have to sign a couple of coyotes and put them out there so they eat 'em before they can get to the basket. And so many turnovers! The ball just seemed to be slipping through our hands all night as if it were covered in some sort of salty grease. Maybe next time I'll have Odom hold a bag of oranges at the top of the key just so he can distract them. "

What Group of People Will Phil Jackson Offend Next?

New Yorkers: 3/1

"This is one of those games I like to refer to as a 'World Trade Center' game. You know, a lot of bodies falling all over the place hitting firefighters in the head. I'm surprised Luke Walton wasn't covered in ash by the third quarter. It was like the big men on the other team were a bunch of crazed Arabs holding box cutters to our throats in the paint. They just had their way with us. Next time we play these guys, I'll be sure to wear a little American flag pin on my lapel to commemorate this tragic loss."