Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon. Except for today, because we're off tomorrow, because it's Thanksgiving.
God dammit, I loves me some Thanksgiving. It's awesome. It's nothing like Pieces of April. That movie was gay. Thanksgiving combines four of my favorite activities: eating, drinking, watching television and sneaking a quick jerk in the shitter before dessert is served. It's a real solid day like that. I take great pains to plan my Thanksgivings for optimum enjoyment. But this year, I'm going one step further. That's right. I'm breaking this shit down, THROWGASM-STYLE. Dan V, bust out those special Thanksgiving graphics for that ass.
Aw, yeah. Let's analyze the games, AND the holiday. Tuck in your giblets, kids.
All games and Thanksgiving items in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability and/or awesomeness on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Stuffing: I saw a Food Network show once where Alton Brown said you should never cook your stuffing in the bird. Well, FUCK that pinko asshole. You put the stuffing in the bird for one reason. Because when you take the turkey out of the oven, there is a part of the stuffing, right at the opening of the bird's cavity, that has crusted over with five hours worth of melted turkey fat. That shit is fucking phenomenal. A true delicacy. I like to stand by and wait as my mom (or my mother-in-law, depending on whose turn it is to host) takes the bird out, specifically so I can pick away at that shit.
The Skin: Again, if you look right around the cavity of the bird, there's a thick flap of the skin that usually crisps up real good. It's like a turkey pork rind. I also eat that. The skin on top of the bird? Also delicious. I quite enjoy any form of salted fat. Why not? It's Thanksgiving. You can always slim down later on.
Dark Meat: I never understood why everyone picks white meat. You need to drown that shit in gravy to make it taste like anything. Dark meat rules. Hint: Go for the thigh meat tucked under the bird. The drumsticks always dry out and have a million little bones in them. Mmmm, dark thigh meat.
Hors' Douvres: Before the actual Thanksgiving dinner starts, I like to eat seven full meals worth of hors' douvres. It's a very light way to take in 8,500 calories. I'm a big fan of pate. It's like Wispride for rich assholes. Spreadable animal organs? Oh, yeah. That's all me, baby.
White Trash Church Basement Green Bean/Onion Ring Casserole: Oh, Mr. Durkee. You make one fine canned onion ring, good sir. I will not eat green beans in any other form. What's the fucking point of plain green beans? Haricots verts? More like Haricots ASS. Green beans are served at Thanksgiving so that you can have a vegetable with your meal. Well, fuck that. It's Thanksgiving, so I should not have to be a slave to proper nutrition. That's why I say douse that shit with cream of mushroom soup, throw some fried onions on top and go to town. I like my Thanksgiving meal to be presented strictly in varying shades of brown and off-white.
Gravy: They need to create some sort of emergency gravy dispenser in all houses. I could put gravy on cereal and it would improve it. Ever dip your fries in gravy? I'm 260 lbs for a reason, you know.
Post-Meal Nap: When you wake up from the post-meal nap, you will invariably feel as if you are waking up the following morning. It completely fucks up your internal clock.
Mashed Potatoes: Fact: Every vegetable on Earth is delicious if it is pureed and then mixed with cream, salt and a stick of butter. Broccoli is nasty. But broccoli soufflé? Delightful. Lots of people also enjoy mashed sweet potatoes with marshmallows thrown on top. Can't argue with that.
After-Dinner Port/Bourbon/Cigarette/Joint: Any addictive substance will do here. Half a bottle of Beam after a big meal makes me feel all warm and jolly. It's a nice time to share as a family. I also like the fact that all post-Thanksgiving conversation revolves around how much you just ate. "Holy shit, Dad. That was GOOD. Christ, I am full. I can't believe we had pie and THEN fudge!"
Anything Ala Mode: I don't give a fuck what pie you choose. You better put some ice cream on that bitch. And whatever pie you get needs to be hot enough to make the ice cream melt on top of it. Ice cream and cold pie is nothing more than unfulfilled potential.
Packers at Lions I have two fantasy players playing in this game. Any Thanksgiving Day game is vastly improved if you have fantasy players playing in them. One of the Thanksgiving games is usually a shit one that's over by the half (that's you, Lions!), so having fantasy players involved is vital to keep from having to interact with your family.
Not Having To Travel
Leftovers: I love me some leftovers, but I always run into one significant problem. There is always, without fail, never enough of ONE particular leftover to make that Friday dinner complete. If we aren't outta stuffing, then we're outta mashed potatoes, or gravy, or turkey, or something else. Drives me fucking insane. That's why, this year, I'm making 50 lbs. of every item. Better safe than mildly annoyed.
Pecan Pie: I like the brown, gooey shit in the pecan pie. What is it? I'm not sure. And I'm not sure I really want to know.
Going To The Movies: A lot of people go to the movies on Thanksgiving, especially if they eat an early dinner. A good rule of thumb for going to the movies on Thanksgiving is to go to the dumbest movie possible. You just ate enough food to feed 27 African orphans for a year. Do you really want to go see Darfur Now? Two tickets to Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium for you!
Walking The Dog After Dinner: Sometimes, a good ol' family walk after dinner helps ease all that food down into your small intestine. Walking those two whole blocks is also an excellent excuse to bust out the oatmeal raisin cookies when you get back home.
Bills at Jaguars
Redskins at Bucs
Relatives: Everyone has that one relative they can't stand. In my family, that relative is me. So I've got it pretty good.
White Meat: Whatever.
The Wishbone: Ever try and pull the wishbone before it's been properly dried out? You'll tear your fucking labrum trying to get the right angle on that thing. To get an edge, I always try to choke up on the bone. Wait, that came out wrong.
Cranberry Sauce: Nothing stirs up old memories like seeing that cranberry sauce that holds the exact shape of the can it came in. I usually eat the cranberry sauce by itself, after I'm done eating everything else on the plate. Basically, I treat it as a sort of pre-dessert. I pretty sure I'm doing it all wrong.
Titans at Bengals: The Bengals are terrible, but they sure are entertainingly terrible.
Jets at Cowboys
Ravens at Chargers
Texans at Browns
Halftime: When it's halftime during a Thanksgiving game, there aren't any other games to flip around to. That means sitting there and watching Bradshaw fuck up the halftime highlights like he always does. Guy's been doing this shit for two decades now. "All right, Tony Ro... Tony Romo! Throwing to uh... Patrick Crayton, that's a touchdown, 7 to nothing, uh... Dallas!" Jesus. What an idiot. He's the white Shannon Sharpe.
Shit On TV That Isn't Football: If the game you're watching sucks, TV programmers have no decent counter programming to help your ass out. Oh, look! "She Spies"! Awesome!
Eating Dinner At Noon: What is this, Spain? If you eat dinner at noon, the rest of your day is one, long groggy headache. Of course, the downside of not eating early is...
Trying To Fall Asleep If You Were Dumb Enough To Nap At 6 O'Clock
Raiders at Chiefs: I figured it out last week: Daunte Culpepper is the black Rex Grossman. Throws a beautiful 50-yard spiral. Can't field a snap to save his goddamn life.
Colts at Falcons: This is the Thursday night game. Don't have NFL Network? I'm quite sure you'll live. Bryant Gumbel just finished re-reading "Football For Dummies," so he should be well-prepared.
Eagles at Patriots: Peter King ran this quote from CBS Sports prez Sean McManus on Monday:
"The intent of the flex schedule was to make sure that, in the second half of the season, the primetime network package didn't get stuck with a bad game. It was never intended to cherry-pick the best game on Sunday and move it to prime time ... I think the Patriots versus Cornell would probably be a game [NBC] would put in prime time right now."
Actually Sean, that is EXACTLY what flex scheduling was meant to do. Idiot. Secondly, Patriots-Cornell would be a WAY better matchup than this one.
Dolphins at Steelers
Broncos at Bears
Seahawks at Rams:
Saints at Panthers
Vikings at Giants
The Parade: You know what the Macy's parade is? It's the fucking Tony Awards, tossed outside. Oooh, look everyone! It's Ann Curry, Rascal Flatts and the cast of Broadway's "Legally Blonde"! All together in one place! Thank you, Santa!
The Fucking Dishes: "Why do I have to do them? I did them last fucking year! Tracy never has to do them! Oh, that is such bullshit! You know what? I'll rinse and then YOU can do the big pots and pans. That's fair. What do you mean, you helped cook? You just fucking stood there and watched Mom cook, God dammit! What do you mean, the knives aren't dishwasher safe? Then BUY SOME FUCKING DISHWASHER SAFE KNIVES! What do you mean, I have to dry everything? Jesus Christ, let it dry on its own! I fucking hate Thanksgiving."
NOTE: If you get stuck with the dishes at Thanksgiving, always be sure to declare that 2 or 3 of the big pots "need to soak." Your mom will end up washing them later on. Unless your mom is estranged or, you know, dead.
Sitting Around Waiting To Watch Football: We eat around 5 or so. All I can think about when I wake up (and after I've masturbated) is eating dinner. I need football to get me through that afternoon. This is why I help cook.
Shopping On Friday: I know it's a tradition in a lot of families to get up crazy early on Black Friday and hit the stores. I salute you people. Without you, local TV crews wouldn't have any footage for their annual "Retailers are gearing up for the holiday shopping season!" filler stories. But seriously, shopping on that day is fucking insane.
Having To Travel
Niners at Cardinals
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"10AM Automatic", by The Black Keys. The Black Keys prove that at least one good thing can indeed come out of Ohio. What a surprise that that one good thing would happen to be a blues band. Growing up in Akron has given Dan Auerbach a whole fucking lot of material to work with. He should be made an honorary black man.
Embarassing Cassingle I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"The Deeper The Love," by Whitesnake. Holy shitballs, Tawny! That's some bigass hair you got! Also, you should note while watching this video that Tawny Kitaen humping a piano < Tawny Kitaen humping a white convertible. This video is the missing link between "Here I Go Again" Tawny and "Assault Chuck Finley With A Fuck-Me Pump" Tawny. She's well down the cocaine spiral at this juncture. Not a good look.
I remember when Steve Vai joined Whitesnake and everyone (and by "everyone," I mean me and only me) thought, "Wow, now they'll REALLY rock!" Wrong. Very incorrect. Not only did Whitesnake produce this song, they also produced "Now You're Gone," a song that blatantly ripped off The Four Tops' "Same Old Song." I always found that fact ironic, given the title of the latter. Stop ripping off old Motown hits, Coverdale! Go back to ripping off Led Zeppelin! If it ain't "Still Of The Night," I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
TJ Houshmandzadeh. The fucking Brandon Jacobs to Chad Johnson's Tiki Barber. Quit bogarting all the touchdowns, you pony-tailed fuckface! I'm tired of your excellent hands, team-first attitude and precise route-running! I drafted Ocho Cinco high because he was flashy, and I'm an idiot, and I want my payoff!
Five Potential Key Injuries
• Marshawn Lynch (knee)
• Brandon Jacobs (justice)
• Marvin Harrison (dolphin hostage situation)
• Peyton Manning (overcompensating)
• Tamba Hali (English)
This Week's Suicide Pick
Last week's suicide pool pick of Indianapolis was correct. Off the board now are Indy, New Orleans, San Diego, Cleveland, Washington, Chicago, Seattle, Denver, Dallas, Green Bay and New England (Record for the year: 7-4). We once again pick a both a suicide pool team and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick: Pittsburgh, and hanging yourself. I suggest using a satin sheet. Why not choke to death in luxury?
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Sun Chips. The perfect snack if you want something that you can convince yourself is good for you but is, in fact, just as bad for you as any other junk food, if not worse. I suggest the Harvest Cheddar flavor. Yes, the Frito Lay corporation knows how to harvest cheese better than anyone else. They pick the cheese fresh from the cheese tree!
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Carling Black Label! The black tie of cheap beers. Nothing says "classy affair" like Black Label. Just look at this guy. He's ready to play paddle tennis and/or fellate you.
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Dolphins Fans
Under Siege. My favorite Steven Seagal movie. All Seagal movies feature titles that are descriptive clauses of Seagal. Steven Seagal is... Marked For Death! Steven Seagal is... Above the Law! There's a lot of great shit in Under Siege, but two things stand out. One is Erika Eleniak jumping out of the giant cake in a Navy blazer and whipping out her juggs. (NSFW) That was just beyond awesome (runs to go masturbate). The other was Seagal stabbing Tommy Lee Jones directly in the top of the head. Can't beat that.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"And with their flaming swords, the Aromites did pierce the eyes of their fellow men, and did feast on what flowed forth."
Halftime Masturbation Kit
• For the guys: The Nicolette Scorsese scene from Christmas Vacation. I can't find the scene where Clark envisions her by the pool. But I remember it. I really, really, remember it. Also missing here is the "Can't see the line, can ya, Russ?" line. So, to make it up to you, here's the same actress naked. (NSFW).
• For the gals: Male model Evandro. Muy caliente!
Three Questions Sideline Reporters Should Ask But Won't
• "Tom, can I ask you a question after Andrea has taken her finger out of your asshole?"
• "Wow, Brett! You won the FOX Thanksgiving Day MVP award. What were the fucking odds of that?"
• "John Beck! Where's your goofy Mormon God now? Huh?"
Your Motivational Pregame Quote for The Weekend
"I don't give a fuck, Riggs. That's why I don't have an ulcer. Because I know when to say I don't give a fuck."
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. Hope you all have a great time with family and friends. And, if you're traveling, I hope your trip is as painless as humanly possible. Enjoy the food and games, everyone.