If It's Not Scottish, It's Crap

For the rest of 2007, the NHL Closer will be written by the fine folks at Melt Your Face Off. Enjoy.

Bonjourrr! Aye, it be me, Willie, bringing ye the recap of hockey action. It's not as manly a sport as caber tossing, or as elegant as a nice round of golf, but it'll do. Plenty of bonny Scotsmen have played hockey. Lanny MacDonald. Al MacInnis. Even Wayne Gretzky. Aye, 'tis true. The Gretzkys be an old Scottish clan. From up near Loch Lomond. Then he had to go and marry that Welsh trollop. Better than an English girl, I suppose, although she is going to lose all his millions at the track. All right, ye croquet-playing mint munchers, let's get greased up and check out the action.

There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. Alex Auld be running away with the starting goalkeeper job in Boston. Three in a row now he's won! Tis true, it was against Atlanta, but every one counts now don't it? I know, ye're waitin for me to make a joke about Auld Lang Syne. Well, Willie's not gonna do it. I'll leave it to the English bastards to defile their own traditions, thank ye very much. I won't dishonor St. Robert Burns. The great Glen Murray, a fine gentlemen if there ever was one, scored a goal for the Bruins. Some fellow named Recchi scored two for Atlanta. Sounds Italian. Probably hasn't bathed since Easter.

If elected mayor my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya, and burn your town to cinders! God bless that lad Sean Avery as he recovers from wrist surgery. He's on the mend with the Rangers, who are Willie's favorite NHL team. I've rooted for Rangers since I was a wee bairn. Celtic can bugger all! Sadly, the hockey Rangers were nae match for the Capitals. That shady Russian Ovechkin scored for Washington, and Brooks Laich had two assists. He sounds like a fine Scottish lad.

I dinna cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig. But I'll cry now. The Hurricanes are crying in their wee hankies after the Senators took them out behind the castle for a thorough spanking. Dany Heatley scored two for the Senators. I kenna if he's a Scotsman, but I hear he drinks like one. And it may have come late in the game, but in Willie's opinion it was Dean McAmmond's goal that finally broke Carolina's will. Cam Ward got beat more times than an Irish bride on her honeymoon. Let me tell ya, Willie knows how to treat the ladies! A little whiskey and some haggis, and they're eating out of the palm of your hand.

Oh, so ye want to know about all of the games, do ye? Willie hears ya. Willie don't care.