Deadspin
The NBA Closer is written by our own Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or fighting five year olds, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast. Enjoy.
• B-B-B-B-Broken. Chauncey Billups might not have the "Whoa Boy" numbers of a few other guards in the league, but he wins basketball games. Plain and simple. Like yogurt. Plain yogurt. The no-name brand. Mr. Big Shot hit two free throws with a tenth of a second left to help the Pistons hand the Celtics their first home loss of the season, 87-85. Kevin Garnett led the Celtics with 26 points, and Ray Allen had 24, including a sick tying 3-pointer that excited Big Papi with 19 seconds to go.
• Christmas In December. This one is a little deceiving. While the final score reads close — a 108-105 Dallas win, decided when Nash airballed a three in the closing seconds — the Mavericks actually hogged the remote all night. They never trailed, led by 17 at the end of the first and were up by 14 midway through the fourth. Dirk scored 31 points, including the Mavs' final eight, while Nash finished with 21 and 18 assists. Dallas is now 18-9, just a hair's breadth — huh? — behind Phoenix (18-8) and San Ant (18-7).
• Nine-Alarm Blaze. Firefighters were called out to the Rose Garden early this morning to tackle a raging Portland blaze and to rescue a number of Toronto Raptors trapped by the flames. Crews arrived at the arena around 12:45am where Brandon Boy had already erupted for 25 points, nine rebounds and eight assists in leading the Trail Blazers to their ninth straight win, 101-96. Darrick Martin perished in the fire.
• Loud Noyzs! Rudy Gay hit a three in Tim Duncan's kitchen at the buzzer to give the Griz an 88-85 victory over the Spurs. Memphis purposely blew a 23-point lead. ... David Lee finally got some burn, scoring 17 of his 22 points in the first 24 as the Knicks beat the LeBrons 108-90. Isiah got a second multiyear contract extension for the win. ... And in Atlanta, Anthony Johnson had a season-high 21 points as the Hawks soared over the Heat 117-111 in OT. Alonzo Mourning left with a patellar tendon tear in his right knee after falling awkwardly in the first. He'll be out at least six months, unless he decides to run on his hands.
Comments
53 Minutes from the Armadillo Cowboy! CAW!!
In the name of Nightmario, I demand the next column be written using entirely Brazilian soccer names.
Also: the fuck's Brandon Boy?
Bucks -6 over the Kings. Nice gambling advice there, Skeets.
Final Score: Sacramento 102 Milwaukee 89
Tim Duncan cooks?
@She Blinded Me With Violence: As opposed to, you know, 1/2 Brazilian 1/2 Swahili names.
Damned no preview pane and its loud music...
You cannot stop the Blazers. You can only hope to contain them.
Rick Pitino always knew Billups would be a winner.
Speaking of Brandons, who would have thought that we would see Brandon Bass in the NBA after he flamed out of LSU.
I heard Zo told doctors just to make another tendon with his remaining kidney. THAT's how real he is.
Thank you for not mentioning the Cavs "game" last night. Is there even a term that describes out trainwrecking another team?
B-B-B-B-Big Shot Billups
Don't ever let Berman get wind of that nickname, or I'll become an Angry Young Man.
The whole closer was sweet, but I personally loved the new San "Nightmare" Ant moniker.
@MoBot:
flaming trainwreck?
The Celts lost at home? Somebody get the suicide watch over to Supermike's.
@chilltown: He didn't exactly "flame out" of LSU--he won SEC Player of the Year before he declared. He just was stuck at the end of the bench with the Hornets before signing with Dallas.
@MoBot: "Spearsing"? "Chernobyling"? "Mike Browning"?
That site in the intro says I can take 31 five year old kids. If my drunken escapades at my little cousin's birthday party last year are any indication, that's an extreme underestimate.
@MoBot:
Out-Knicking?
@Doyle McPoyle: 31's the highest I've heard. I hope you put 15 of 'em in the "Million Dollar Dream"
@Greek McPapadopoulos: Sorry, poor choice of words. He certainly didn't lead LSU anywhere when he won the player of the year. That LSU team should have done so much better under his leadership, yet it didn't.
Billups did everything but throw a bucket of confetti on Rondo last night.
Lebron drops 32, next highest Cav has 11, and they fall to David Lee and the Knicks.
How in fucks name did this team play in the NBA finals last season?
@chilltown: That's probably the case. I can only imagine what would have happened if he stayed, teaming up with Glen Davis and Tyrus Thomas. Man, those would have been some great teams.
@GreatOdensRaven: The same annoying DJ who came up with "Deeee-Troit Basketball" came up with "Chauncy B-B-B-Billups" for pregame warmups.
He's annoying, but he did give us the unintentional comedy of our Governor, Jenny from the block, saying "Deetroit Basketball", which is so unintentionally funny, I'm blown away.
@Doyle McPoyle: I must be lame, because it tells me I can only take on 10.
@She Blinded Me With Violence: @Gourmet Spud: @UkraineNotWeak: I like them all. "Spearsing" might be my favorite, though.
Did anyone else catch LeBron shoulder checking Mike Brown on his way to the bench? Awesome.
I could fight 28 5-year olds, apparently. I feel like a bad-ass.
@Bruschis Brewsky: Last year, they could beat crappy teams like the Knicks. How will this affect the Fire Isiah movement?
San Ant? The Nightmare Ant stirs in its lair.
@Doyle McPoyle: I got 20. I bow to your child-beating prowess.
@parker91: Don't feel bad, one of the 5 year olds was Damage Young.
I could take out 32 5 year olds. Wait til my wife (the second grade teacher) finds out. She'll be so proud.
26 5-yos. I'm being underestimated.
@Doyle McPoyle: Apparently I can take 21...not bad for a scrawny bastard who doesn't get any exercise. My weapon of choice would be the DDT, of course.
I thought Mr. Big Shot was Will Smith, I mean Robert Horry.
Unfortunately, I only have a 46% chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse. I better stay away from future Knicks games.
@roland_t_flakfizer: Hell, I thought Mr. Big Shot was a disco song. Yes, I'm old.
@roland_t_flakfizer: That'd be "Big Shot Bob".
AKA the biggest waste of non-playoff talent in recent memory.
@Bort: Huh. The more you know.
@StupidAngelos:
You can DDT a regular sized human. For a five-year old, you've gotta be talking suplex, baby!
@BigTenObsession:
World War Z website?!
@Gourmet Spud: Or the Crippler Crossface?
Ew, even i found that in bad taste...
@BigTenObsession: And my body is apparently worth $3,640.
Huh. I've been selling myself short. [rimshot]
Brandon Roy will forever be known as The Meteor Shower for causing the Raptors to become extinct.
I'm on board for 18 5-year olds. I think my moral compass is hurting me a bit.
@Bruschis Brewsky:
Oooh, well played.
@MoBot:
Mike and Mike in the Morning
@Gourmet Spud: Come to think of it, it might be fun to powerbomb little kids.
What?
C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!
@StupidAngelos: Eh, that's all too damn fancy. Just punch 'em the mouth...repeatedly. Yes, I work with the public, why?
@Bruschis Brewsky: It should be illegal that Big Shot Bob and Mr. Big Shot are, in fact, separate nicknames. Can't we just combine the two? Mr. Big Shot Bauncy Horrups... (I need a vacation.)
Brandon Boy so crazy he popped on adult diapers and drove 900 miles to confront a romantic rival.
Too soon?
I will now be calling Rondo 'Blue Rondo A La Turk', becasue he's a big Dave Brubeck fan, and I'm a nerd.
Could someone please explain to me why Billups is #6 in the All-Star balloting (other than the fact that the average NBA fan still thinks that Vince Carter is the ballz).