AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker has just two columns left. This is one of them. Email him to let him know what you think.
Hola, putas. It's once again time for the A.J. Daulerio Deadspin Unraveling with your late Friday afternoon dash of tawdry goodness. As you can tell by the above photo, today we'll be discussing Kim Kardashian and her almost engagement to Subway pitchman and Sheldon Brown tackling dummy, Reggie Bush.
But first, a favorite email from the Oddsmaker experience. This one's from a proud mongoloid mother named Judie from Walnut Grove, California eager to preach the gospel about the fat-tongued heroes we all know and love :
I don't know what to make of your column. I've never read such an unflattering portrayal of people who have Trisomy 21/Down syndrome (not "Down syndrome people") but there's something honest about you. Maybe I saw something of myself in your reluctance to be exposed to children who have Down syndrome (not "Down syndrome children"). Until I had one of my own, that is. Now, 28 years later, I have accepted the fact that the gene for nose-picking must be on the 21st chromosome and I wish that's the worst I'd ever endured with my other so-called "normal" children.
Aw. It's getting dusty in here!
Onto sex tapes. It's still mind-boggling why anyone (especially a woman, semi-famous or not) would ever participate in such an activity if they had no desire for it to some day be viewed by a captive, unzipped audience. For those devoid of any discernible talent, it's an instant career injection. The second biggest? Dating an athlete. The third? Having a backside that could serve as a winter home for woodland creatures. The Kardashian deftly hits the trifecta. If she were to become engaged to Reggie Bush, it would at least give her some meaningful existence. It's much better than only being known as the dead O.J. lawyer's daughter who was backdoor-invaded by a lamprey-shlonged rap star on film.
Surely, there are more Kardashians out there searching for their own Reggie Bush.
So this week, I'm flicking my frenulum, opening a fresh bottle of Hawaiian Tropic, and placing odds on the next sex tape star to nab a professional athlete.
Move your monitors to an obstructed angle before you click this more.
Amy Fisher: 3/1
The lovely Long Island Lolita famous for banging a gorilla mechanic and getting imprisoned after blasting his angry wife in the head is out of prison and ready to cash-in post-clink with her own movie magic, creatively titled "Amy Fisher Uncensored." Now that she's pushing 34, you would have thought Ms. Fisher would be completely beat up, but photos reveal she's actually weathered prison time and the cruel realities of female aging fairly well. No, she's probably not going to get engaged to Reggie Bush, but just because she's lost a little tread on her vulva doesn't mean she still couldn't snag herself some old jock balls. Perhaps Julio Franco?
Jenna Lewis: 2/1
This former Survivor star allegedly leaked her own sex tape in an effort to rewind her 15-minute clock just a little while. It worked, but now that's expired she's aching to get back in public consciousness. She was rumored to have had a thing with fellow Survivor alum and curly-haired soccer knob Ethan Zohn, but she'll have to upgrade there if she's serious about a bounce-back. Unfortunately, soccer stars not named Beckham in America are few and far between. Alexi Lalas should keep his cell phone on all the time just in case. David Hirshey should too.
The former SI swimsuit model made headlines a couple years ago when a sultry honeymoon tape of her and her ex-husband began circulating around the web only to be quickly shut down by her lawyers before she could be come a jizz-faced screen-grab icon. Pity. Murphy, now into her 30s and with child-expanded hips, needs something else to save her falling star. She's model pretty, so a young quarterback looking to become the next Tom Brady may want to give her a toss. Tarvaris Jackson needs a trough for his black hog and legitimacy as a number one quarterback, lest he become the next Quincy Carter. This could be mutually beneficial.
Little Timmy Kelly: 1/4
The squeaky voiced singer with mild cerebal palsy and retinopathy brought on by premature birth, was a sporting event staple a couple years ago when he would eek out his stirring rendition of the national anthem to a teary-eyed crowd. Since then, Timmy's life has been hampered by his awkward tween years and the rumors about his various sex tapes. Now, he's more well known more for his impressive analingus ability than his sub-par singing voice and inspirational story. Titles like "Little Timmy's Mexican Splash Down", "Blind Boy Finds the Hole", and "Little Timmy's Rim Job 400" are taking over his life. What could save Little Timmy? Allison Stokke, meet your future husband.