U.S. Secretary Of OffenseS


The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or obeying the Giant, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

Sergeant Mythical Water Beast. Did you realize military uniforms were considered "business casual" now? Yeah, I think it's the buttons. Or maybe it's the collar. I don't know. Whatever the reason, I can't wait to wear my Mountie threads into the office on Monday. Amare Stoudemire scored 34 points and grabbed 11 boards as the Suns marched back from a 20-point first-period deficit to beat the Sonics 104-96. The win was the Suns' 23rd of the season, the most in the Western Conference. Kevin Durant led Seattle with 28.

You Can't Stop The Blazers, You Can Only Hope To Contain Them. Well, that, and maybe just tire 'em out a little bit. It's the small victories really. Mr. Jarrett Jack, Jack, Jack ... all dressed in black, bla— shit, the Blazers were in red. Scratch that. Jarrett Jack drove for a basket and converted a three-point play with 19 seconds left in double overtime as the Trail Blazers outlasted the Bulls 115-109 for their 15th win in 16 games. Brandon Roy and his bruised tailbone led the way with 25 points.

Yes, Yes, We're Talkin' About It. An unpracticed Allen Iverson scored 29 points to lead the Nuggets past the Manu-less San Antonio Spurs 80-77. A.I. revealed post-game that the reason he had missed the Nuggets' workouts was because his 4-year-old son, Isaiah, fell face-first from a stool and required plastic surgery. Quick, Knicks fans! Get Zeke on a stool ASAP!

Baron Davis' 2007 Movie Reviews. Two thumbs up: American Gangster, No Country for Old Men and Knocked Up. ("Everyone said to go see it. I was glad I did. Flat out funny and very real.") Thumbs down: The Number 23, Spider-Man 3 and Who's Your Caddy? ("I know a lot of people that cross over into different groups — i.e. the street or the country club. This just didn't measure up.") So true, man. So true.