Meet The Puck Bunnies

The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of The FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer. Enjoy.

The user-generated Urban Dictionary defines a "puck bunny" as "from Canadian slang, a woman who goes to hockey games for the sole purpose of fucking one of the players." Crude? Sure. Entirely inaccurate? Not exactly, judging from the multitude of Internet message boards dedicated to puck bunnies who kiss and tell, obsess and tell, and generally come across like fans that are about as emotionally balanced as Kathy Bates in "Misery."

(An important disclaimer: A female hockey fan is not automatically or intrinsically a puck bunny. That's derogatory, like someone in South Jersey being labeled as a Philadelphian. Seriously, don't call a passionate, self-respecting fan a "puck bunny." Because militant feminist organizations like Hockey Ladies of Greatness will get medieval on that ass if you do.)

The conversations on these message boards are equal parts disturbing and fascinating. There are constant dissections of the aesthetics and integrity of players' wives and girlfriends. There is candid, anonymous gossip about a player's sexual orientation or the ...ahem ... legality of his equipment. Most of these discussions are deplorable; the kind of innuendo you'd think the NHL's image police would find a way to expunge from public discourse. Instead, they are archived all the way back to 2004, when the bunnies found out Jesse Boulerice was "a little bit of a jerk" three years before Ryan Kesler did.

Meet The Puck Bunnies

While I don't wish to traffic in some of the more scandalous commentary from sites like "Bunny Heaven," "Puckbunny Parlor" and "The**Sexiest**Team**Philadelphia*Flyers," there's no denying the entertainment value and unique insight gained from some of the more rambling and blunt comments from the anonymous bunnies. With that in mind, here's a look at some of last night's action, annotated with Official Puck Bunny Scouting Reports.

Tampa Bay 5, NY Rangers 3. The words "Tampa Bay Lightning" and "spectacular goaltending" are about as synonymous as "Dungeons and Dragons role player" and "frequently laid," yet it was Karri Ramo who snapped into shape in the third period, making 13 of his 31 saves in the game to preserve a nearly-squandered victory against the Range-uhs. PUCK BUNNY SCOUTING REPORT ON ... Scott Gomez of the New York Rangers: "He drinks too much. He has a cute little gf who I don't think lives in the city. He's friendly with Jagr." - "!," Puckbunny Parlor.

Pittsburgh 3, Florida 1. Someone needs to check Ty Conklin's locker for chicken bones and goat's blood, because there's no fucking way some voodoo isn't involved here. The former postseason laughingstock got his eighth win in eight starts, stopping 27 Panthers shots and once again proving that it really was all Marc-Andre Fleury's fault. PUCK BUNNY SCOUTING REPORT ON ... Penguins winger Ryan Malone and his wife: "She is OLD, like 45+? Did he think about the consequences of that? She could hit menopause at anytime, if she isn't already." — "Silver," Puckbunny Parlor.

Detroit 1, Colorado 0. Inexplicable puck bunny obsession Chris Chelios became the second-oldest player to appear in a NHL game, at age 45 years and 348 days old. He even comically feigned back pain when the accomplishment was announced to the crowd. He trails only Gordie Howe (52 years, 6 days) in the race to become the League's ultimate fogey; luckily for Cheli, the NHL's due for another labor stoppage or two in the next seven years to give him some extra R&R. PUCK BUNNY SCOUTING REPORT ON ... Wojtek Wolski of the Colorado Avalanche: "He likes to party and fuck for sure, tell her not to get to get hung up on him. He was with some trashy girl at a Nuggets game right after AI came in Denver and I know he party's at Spill a lot. I haven't heard if he's any good in bed." — "Rachel," Puck Bunny Central.

Meet The Puck Bunnies

St. Louis 6, Columbus 1. Andy McDonald > Doug Weight, and I proclaim this as someone who seriously sucked at math. McDonald has eight points in seven games since being traded to the Blues, while Weight has just five points in 11 games since heading to the Ducks. St. Louis had the worst power play in the League heading into the game; Keith Tkachuk's third-period goal on the man advantage helped ice this one. PUCK BUNNY SCOUTING REPORT ON ... Paul Kariya of the St. Louis Blues: "Oh yeah, Paul Kariya is HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could go for him...No really, I'd be thrilled, but, is he still with that girl? I don't think he got married, right? See, there ya go, now here's how my philosophy comes into it. IF he's still with that girl, and I got to KNOW him(lol), well then, that would be the end of her. See, a wife is ok because they are married and I know there's no strings attatched to our relationship. (Of course, there are always some strings, but what are ya gonna do?) BUT......................... With a gf involved, I'd say 'Well so WHAT????!!!!' and then I'd listen to anything and everything he'd have to say about how THAT gf is more important to him than this gf (ME) is?! Then I'd say, 'That's nice, now dump her.' Because a wife is a wife, that's one thing, but why would I take a back seat to some other gf? If he wants to go out with me, then he wants to go out with ME...I'm not into threesomes ...Well, unless its me and two hot guys..LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! :)" — "!," once again, from the Puckbunny Parlor Boards

Puck Headlines

* Darren McCarty is willing to be a traitor to get back into the NHL. OK, how about this: A two-year guaranteed contract in exchange for an open mouth kiss with Claude Lemieux. Still into it, McCarty? [Denver Post]

* Note to any make-pretend hockey insiders: Try not invent report a rumor about Alexander Ovechkin being traded to Nashville (of all fucking places) on the same day the owner of the Washington Capitals writes on the team Web site that "we expect him to be in D.C. for a long, long time." Also, if you're going to invent report a rumor that has the Capitals trading Olie Kolzig, you may want to make sure you invent report that the Predators are sending a goalie back the other way. Or else the senior writer for the Capitals' Web site Just some friendly advice, going forward. [HF Boards]

* Speaking of horseshit rumors, how about "Toronto interested in the services of Maurice Richard's ghost?" [FanHouse]

* Mirtle wants to extend overtime, which is something I was arguing for the NHL to do before it decided to end games with the hockey equivalent of the unicorn at the circus. [Mirtle]

* The Habs send Carey Price and Kyle Chipchura down to the AHL. Swear to Christ, I thought the kid's name was "Chupacabra" the first time I saw it on a uniform. [Lions in Winter]

* And finally, a tribute to ugly college hockey parents, with a little "slutty girlfriend" on the side: