Deadspin
David Hirshey writes regularly for Deadspin about soccer.
I was in a tumbleweed diner in the middle of the Arizona desert on my way to to witness Michael Strahan doing things to Tom Brady's testicles that Giselle Bundchen probably never tried. I looked up at the white-haired waitress and saw tears running down her leathery face. She, too, had heard the news that David Beckham had been denied his 100th cap by the mean new England coach Fabio Capello.
"I can't believe what this world is coming to," she said, handing me my Grilled Cheese Deluxe garnished with parsley and cactus rinds.
"It's tough to swallow," I said, although I feared that nothing could be. tougher to swallow than the lunch she just dropped in front of me. "I mean, it's only a stupid friendly against those ovaltine-swilling yodelers from Switzerland, and you're telling me that he couldn't find it in his black Sicilian heart to put Becks in for 15 lousy minutes?"
"They say he's not fit," she said, trying to choke back her sobs. "Look at the man. If he wasn't in shape, how did he play for the Galaxy? The English just hate American soccer, don't they?"
"You got that right, dear" I said, brandishing my fork with what appeared to be a dead gila monster. "Could you get me a new setup?"
She turned away, sniffling even more loudly.
"Hey, cheer up," I said, "it's not all bad news. At least Maradona admitted today that he cheated the Brits out of the World Cup in '86."
She guffawed and did a jig. Fortunately for me, she stomped on a scorpion that was headed my way.
Comments
Gila monster is okay, but I prefer barbecued iguana.
It was about this time that my attorney, Dr. Gonzo, rushed in with a sheet of acid stuck to his shoe like a piece of toilet paper. "Time to run, Hirshey; I think I just killed a Ronaldo by passing the wrong way."
When I do a jig, the only thing I stomp is the yard.
/all I could come up with
@Tuffy:
Great book, so so movie.
Shouldn't there be a "Cunt" tag in any post with Maradona?
Becks looks like he works on the Wildwood boardwalk.
At least you caught all the typos in this before you published it...
I feel like United just stomped on my nuts, but in typical Tottenham fashion the tension must build before the inevitable.
Good news: Arsenal knocked off Man City while Man U only managed a point by netting a last-second equalizer.
Bad News: Being stuck at work on the weekend and not getting to see the games.
Maradona admits that the "Hand of God" was in fact the hand of Diego? Like we didn't already know that. It's as if someone had claimed since 1986 that Chris Berman was, in fact, not a corpulent, balding douchebag.
This guy does weekends?
9 hours of drinking at the Kinsale = good
England losing to Wales = bad
Liverpool finally winning a game they should win = good
Man U stealing a point from Spurs = bad
Birmingham City pretty much secured their place in the Championship next year with a draw against Derby County. Why did God punish me and make a Blues AND a Detroit Lions fan?
No way to have a post in the can so you don't have to mail it in?
Cell phone internet would've told you AFC was two points clear after winning at ManCity while blue & red scum drew. Expanding on that is a post, ffs.
It's actually Ovomaltine it's Switzerland. Why the rest of the world changed it to Ovaltine and made creepy ads is beyond me.
@Taller than Earl Boykins: ... you're going off the rails on a crazy train, maybe?
I picked Birmingham as my rooting interest this year, & I'm just happy they aren't skunked for the season in wins.
"black Sicilian"...
You mean to tell me Fabio's part eggplant?
my brutha!!
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