This game has been tied for two weeks. Christ, somebody score already. Follow the first quarter football happenings and corporate marketing snippets after the jump.
0:25 — Antonio Pierce gets all up in Benjamin Watson's mug in the end zone, and Pierce gets called for purposely-accidentally obstructing Watson from the ball. First and goal on the 1.
2:21 — Now Brady gets a couple completions. First a pass to Donte' Stallworth and then a gentle little velvety screen to Wes Welker. The latter went for the first down. I'm sure the former did something positive for the team morale or something.
Now let's meet ... THE PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE LINE
Name: Matt Light, Left Tackle
Ht./Wt.: 6'4", 305 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: In college, Light was a tight end, but converted to tackle once coach Joe Tiller discovered Light was adept at making sure nobody saw the birthmark on Drew Brees' face.
Name: Logan Mankins, Left Guard
College: Fresno State
Ht./Wt.: 6'4", 310 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: It's not easy being a tough offensive lineman like Mankins, because showing one's soft side can be damaging to one's reputation. But in his spare time, Mankins' favorite musical instrument is the violin. He can't play the violin for shit, but he does enjoy smashing them against the wall when nobody's looking.
Name: Dan Koppen, Center
College: Boston College
Ht./Wt.: 6'2", 296 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: Koppen is the shortest of the five starting offensive lineman. In an attempt to level out the height of the team, Koppen began wearing stiletto heels during games. After three botched snaps in a game, Koppen went back to tissue boxes glued on top of bricks, which he still wears today.
Name: Stephen Neal, Right Guard
College: Cal State-Bakersfield
Ht./Wt.: 6'4", 305 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: Since he was a wrestler in college and not a football player, before every snap Neal settles down by picturing the defensive lineman in his underwear.
Name: Nick Kaczur, Right Tackle
Ht./Wt.: 6'4", 315 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: Kaczur will attempt to be the first NFL starter to win a Super Bowl ring after overcoming the grim yet treatable birth defect of being Canadian.
3:26 — Brady delivers the ball perfectly to his receiver ... on a one-hop.
4:03 — The only one making any sort of forward progress is Maroney. Oh no, it's Brady's ankle! And such.
Underarmour — Teehee. I can see your underarmour.
Bud Light — Cheese run. Sure.
4:52 — Nice return by Laurence Maroney past their own 40-yard line.
Commercial Review: Salesgenie — I'm not a salesman.
Commercial Review: Diet Pepsi Max — Joe Buck's cocking his head. Levity! But the Chris Kattan touch saved the entire 60 minutes.
6:12 — Another Manning-to-Smith on the third down try, but this one's well short. It's Tynes time.
6:35 — Manning's pass is batted in the end zone.
7:21 — It's the same deal every third down. Manning gets slightly pressured, but finds someone in the middle of the field for the first down. They're in the red zone. Redazona?
8:11 — That was either a dropped pass by Kevin Boss or the worst flea flicker in history.
Commercial Review: Audi R8 — Guy wakes up with some black stuff all over his pajamas. Oh my god, he killed a pressman! Oh, it's motor oil, and there's part of a car in his bed. Wow, did he have a crazy night last night!
Deadspin Commercial Rating
Commercial Review: Bud Light — Fire breathing. Ah, always good for a cheap laugh when it involves animals. Consider this approved.
Deadspin Commercial Rating:
11:05 — Another third down pass play that Manning locks down. Steve Smith catches it on the first down line and falls forward. Injured Patriots are just everywhere.
13:24 — Eli Manning's first throw doesn't land anywhere in the vicinity of suck. Plaxico Burress had a good solid 2-yard halo from suck. The 3rd and 6 play goes for 14 yards.
15:00 — Steven Gostkowski kicks to Domenik Hixon, who returns the ball to the 23-yard line. Such an average start.
They have to make the coin flip way more complicated than it should be. "Roman Numerals is tails." That's inaccurate. Tails is tails. At least make it creative and put something like VeggieTales on the tails side.
Giants win the toss, because they called heads, which had like a desk on it or something.
Ah, she won American idol. So that's where I've heard of Jordin Sparks. That first name could really use an "a" in there somewhere.
Joe Buck's hair is perfect. His face is perfectly orange. He must want the Broncos to win this thing.
New England has scored 38 points four times this year, more than any other number. So I'll take the Patriots 38-30.