Tom Brady had moments of happiness between moments of being crunched into the ground. The slim 7-3 lead is not safe by any means, the way this thing's going. Let's see what happens in the third quarter, shall we?
0:07 — Brady goes deep for Moss ... this feels like a touchdown ... nope, just another incompletion. This is a really odd game.
1:50 — Pam Oliver reports on the consumption of bananas on the sidelines. That's ... um, crazy, silly, insane, what's the word I'm looking for?
2:44 — HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK. Welker for the first down.
3:01 — After a penalty, Brady gets knocked down in the end zone right after he tosses an incompletion. Are ... are the Patriots actually winning? Are those numbers "7" and "3" just conveniently-placed sponsors like Sesame Street? Because it sure as hell doesn't feel like New England is winning this game. But if this kind of play keeps up, the Patriots win.
3:12 — Jeff Feagles' punt crosses out of bounds at the 10-yard line. I always wondered how they know where to mark the ball in those situations. Perhaps the refs play an unrelated game of Red Light/Green Light and wherever he stops, that's the new line of scrimmage.
3:22 — Faulk rambles back from the locker room. All is well, Boston. Remain calm.
4:00 — Man-tique throws the oddly shaped ball deep, but Burress was triple covered. Those were poor odds.
4:28 — Manning hasn't done much in this game, but he finally goes past 100 passing yards with that first down to Amani Toomer.
Now let's meet ... THE PATRIOTS DEFENSIVE LINE
Name/Position: Ty Warren, Left Defensive End
College: Texas A&M
Ht./Wt.: 6'5", 300 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: He's been known to convince his opponent on the other side of the line that he is actually the rusher and Warren is the blocker. "Oh, I hope you don't get by me," Warren would say. The offensive lineman then blows by the defender, putting nothing but grass between Warren and the quarterback, but he fears to sack him, for fearing that he'll be flagged for being downfield.
Name/Position: Vince Wilfork, Nose Tackle
Ht./Wt.: 6'2", 325 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: Wilfork is the owner world's largest string of Skee-Ball tickets known to man. He's not really good at the game or anything. He just steals the redeemed tickets and duct tapes them together. The Guinness Book of World Records doesn't discriminate.
Name/Position: Richard Seymour, Right Defensive End
Ht./Wt.: 6'6", 310 lbs.
Fun Fallible Fact: During his stint on the physically-unable-to-perform list, Seymour taught himself how to make fuzzy fridge magnets. In an interview with Better Homes And Gardens, he shares that the trick is to buy regular fridge magnets, a dog that sheds, and a humidifier.
6:22 — Kevin Faulk is hobbling off the sideline. That's a horrible sign for New England.
Programming Note — I'm not even commenting on the commercials anymore unless something legendary hits my pupils. Because this "football game" can already be branded as above average in terms of Super Bowls.
6:43 — That was a really odd decision by New England. On 4th and 11, they went for the pass. The play failed, probably because referee Mike Carey didn't see former Ravens defensive coordinator Rex Ryan call timeout. Giants take over.
9:11 — Kevin Faulk catches a short pass and darts for the first down on 3rd and 13. A play before a sideways pass to Welker (HOOOOOOOOONK) went nowhere, it appears the grittiness changed hands.
11:00 — On the punt, Bill Belichick challenged that the Giants didn't get their 12th player off the field in time. Mike Carey looked at the call and indeed, Chase Blackburn's footsies were in the field of play. What's odd is that during the commercials, NFL's Game Center tried to preempt the call and said in its play-by-play that the review was upheld. Whoopsie. First down Patriots.
Vitamin Water — It's not believable. No, not when Shaq jockeyed a horse. But when one of his competitors slapped him on the leg, he didn't get hurt.
Salesgenie — It's a perfect storm of zeroness. Animals. A product I don't need. And racism. That's the second time Salesgenie used a funny accent to sell their ... sales? It's amazing Carlos Mencia wasn't even anywhere near this animation, but it sure felt like it.
Cars.com — Shrunken heads. That'll do.
11:27 — Kevin Faulk gets a reception. Silence. And it's short of the first down. New England goes to the punt yard.
12:05 — I know there were plays in between this Wes Welker reception and the last one, but since I'm multitasking and all, Fox Sports sent me an airhorn that goes off by itself every time Welker gets a reception.
14:47 — WES WELKER IS TOUCHING THE BALL! Pardon me while I swoon feverishly.
Tom Petty looked scared shitless on the stage. He sounded fine, that is to say, for Tom Petty standards. So let's thank Bridgestone for spreading the much needed Tom Petty awareness to the nation. I will now download the songs he sang so I can... oh, wait, I already have all of those.