The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who cannot freaking believe that Devean George - Devean George!! - foiled Jason Kidd's trade to Dallas. Wow. When he's not paralyzed with disbelief, he can be found sitting there with his mouth hanging open at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
• McLovin's our friend! We should be guiding his cock, not blocking it! I know Will's covering the Jason Kidd non-trade, but I just had to say one thing: This is the single biggest cockblock in NBA history. I don't mean to come off like Bill Walton Jr., but damn. How does a guy who's making $2 million a year and is probably three months from being out of the league prevent a blockbuster trade for a first ballot Hall-of-Famer? And he had to play (and play badly) for Dallas the very same night. That's like showing up to family dinner a few hours after you decided to pull grandpa off of life support. Simply put, it's superdickery on a grand and historic scale. Okay. I'm done.
• That kid's a freak! He's a freak! He's the fastest kid alive! The Cavaliers sure couldn't keep up with Manu Ginobili, who ran circles around them by shooting 15-for-20 from the field - and 8-for-11 from the Land of Three - on his way to scoring a season-high 46 points. Thanks to Ginobili's flaming fingertips, the Spurs threw down 41 points in the fourth quarter to rally for a 112-105 win, despite a typically crazy-good game from Lebron (39 points, 6 rebounds, 9 assists) and another strong outing for the suddenly lifelike Larry Hughes (26 points, 11-for-19 shooting). New player watch: Damon Stoudamire had zero points (0-for-4), 3 rebounds, and 3 assists for the Spurs.
• Okay, calm down. Calm down, she likes you. She wants to suck on your penis. That's a good thing. It's the best. I'm guessing a lot of people will want to suck on Dwight Howard's penis after he sunk the Denver Nuggets' battleship with 23 points and 24 rebounds, and that includes his coach, Stan Van Gundy, who called Howard out for a lack of effort after the Magic lost to Cleveland on Monday. During the postgame press conference, Van Gundy said, "We've seen games like this out of him before. It's not like Stan Van Gundy's a motivational genius and got Dwight to play." Hm. Maybe, maybe not. But Matt McHale wonders why Van Gundy speaks in the third person. Matt McHale thinks that's weird, but then, what does Matt McHale know? (I'll tell you: He knows that the Magic won 109-98.)
• I am McLovin! Ray Allen is an All-Star again...for the eighth time to be exact. Ray-Ray is replacing injured Washington forward Caron Butler, and he celebrated by scoring 21 points in the Celtics' 111-103 beating of the Knicks. Boston was already without Kevin Garnett and Kendrick Perkins, and then they lost Brian Scalabrine (masturbation catastrophe) and Glen "Big Baby" Davis (uh...twisted knee?). Fortunately for the Celtics, they were playing the Knicks, and everybody beats them.
• It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff and I have to hide every erection I get. Kobe Bryant scored 29 points and six Lakers reached double figures as the Blue and Gold obliterated the Minnesota Timberwolves 117-92 to finish their nine-game road trip with a 7-2 record. Pau Gasol racked up 19 points and 9 rebounds, while Lamar Odom had a triple double with 10 points, 16 rebounds, and 10 assists. Minnesota's Al Jefferson wolfed out with 19 points and 9 rebounds and Randy Foye padded his scoring average with 18.
• It's like having two cocks...if one of your cocks could kill someone! I bet when Dirk Nowitzki found out that Devean George cockblocked the Kidd trade, he wanted to choke a bitch. And that's exactly what he did, only in this case the "bitch" was the Portland Trail Blazers. Nowitzki pulled out his, uh, gun and blasted his way to a season-high 37 points and the Mavs won 96-76. George, who was starting only because of an injury to Josh Howard (and because Dirk hadn't had a chance to kill him yet) scored zero points on 0-for-11 shooting. You know, I think he might have been a little distracted. Brandon Roy had 25 points for the Blazers.
• I assume you all have guns and crack. Because let's face it, the Suns and Warriors were gunnin' and playin' at a high-out-of-their-damn-minds pace. The Golden Staters won 120-118 in a game that had fantasy basketball managers flipping out all over the country. Monta Ellis had 37 points and 9 rebounds, Baron Davis chipped in 27 points and 13 assists, and Stephen Jackson crazied his way to 19 points. The losing team was led by Amare Stoudemire's 29 points and 13 rebounds. Or was it Grant Hill's 26 and 15? Hell, maybe it was Steve Nash's 20 points and 12 assists. You know what? Who cares. With a game like this, everybody wins. (Except Phoenix, 'cause they lost.) New player watch: Chris Webber was inactive for the Warriors. Well...that didn't take long.