In case you missed it - and that would have been easy to do - Mike Bibby was traded to the Atlanta Hawks last weekend. I sincerely hope you don't care, but in case you do, the Hawks sent starting point guard Anthony Johnson, 2007 first-round pick Shelden Williams, backup point guard Tyronn Lue, veteran forward Lorenzen Wright, and a 2008 second-round pick to the Sacramento Kings.
Maybe I'm just getting spoiled, but after Gasol to L.A., Shaq to Phoenix, and Kidd (maybe) to Dallas, the Bibby to Atlanta deal nearly caused me physical pain with its hateful dullness. Sure, Bibby makes the Hawks better, but only better in the sense of "first round playoff sweep" instead of "NBA draft lottery." And since this is the Eastern Conference we're talking about, that's a difference of about four or five games, tops. Still, as hard as it is to believe, there are some things that are even more boring than the Bibby trade. Here's the top ten of those things.
10. Kokomo, Indiana: Known as the "City of Firsts" and named after a Miami Indian chief, Kokomo's top two tourist attractions are - in this order - a giant stuffed cow and the world's largest sycamore tree stump. Not surprisingly, these morbid artifacts are displayed side-by-side in the city's public park.
9. WNBA Live 2008: Feel the excitement.
8. Making fun of Tom Cruise: Back in the day, hating on Tom Cruise was fun because he was rich, famous, good-looking, and we all kind of assumed he was a repressed homosexual (he is). But ever since he started taking about KSWs, PTSPs and whatever other acronyms crazy people use, mocking him kind of feels like giving a handicapped child a wedgie.
7. Kobe Bryant pinkie finger updates: I don't think that any other finger in the history of opposable digits has ever gotten this much press. You know what? Until Kobe's pinkie becomes capable of independent thought or transforms into a poisonous ninja monster with Pamela Anderson as its right leg, I really don't need to know anything else about it.
6. M&M quality control: I never thought making chocolate candy in a crisp candy shell could possibly be boring. Then I read about how to construct a frequency histogram of the M&M manufacturing process.
5. SlamDuncan.com: Tim Duncan is a two-time league MVP and a four-time NBA champion, yet he's also the most boring professional athlete who has ever lived. And I'm including Kurt Warner in that category. His official Web site takes boring to a new, even more uninteresting level. My favorite part is Timmy's diary, which provides an in-depth and brutally candid window into the mind of this basketball legend. Examples include: "Attempting to be the best team possible is very hard work" and "I am very excited we are in the Western Conference Finals."
4. Aquaman: This "super" hero's powers include swimming and talking to fish, which means I have approximately 50 percent of Aquaman's powers and 100 percent less trout smell. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you ever find yourself trapped in a flaming building, don't call Aquaman unless you want to say a few last words to your pet goldfish before slowly burning to death.
3. NBA Collective Bargaining Agreement: If you ever find out a human being has clawed his own eyes out with a rusty garden tool, chances are he did it after reading the CBA in full.
2. Video game Pictionary: It's true; this thing exists. Leave it to the old Nintendo Entertainment System to turn a party game meant to be enjoyed with a group of friends into a solitary hobby played in the gloomy darkness of your parents' basement.
1. Greg Ostertag's Wikipedia entry: Well, let's see: His middle name is Donovan and his last game was on April 19, 2006. Fascinating! Also, 'Tag is "an advocate of organ donation." Just so you know, if I ever - for any reason whatsoever - require a life-saving organ donation from Greg Ostertag, you have permission to just let me die.