Deadspin
For the third consecutive season, we are proud to introduce the Deadspin Baseball Season Previews. Yes, baseball is awfully close now; it's spring training, after all.
Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.
Today: The Milwaukee Brewers. Your author is Dan Kois.
Dan Kois edits Vulture, New York magazine's arts and culture blog. He maintains that the Brewers would have won it all last year if they'd only grown a few more mustaches. His words are after the jump.
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What's going on? Ned Yost here. I'm the manager of the Milwaukee Fucking Brewers. You may remember us as the team that hadn't made the playoffs for 25 years, and a lot of people thought we would make it last year, but we didn't. We led the NL Central almost wire to wire, but blew it in the end. Why? Well, there's a lot of reasons.
The fact is, it's mostly our fans' fault that we couldn't pull the division out. Our team is young, and the fans put a lot of pressure on the players to do things they're just not capable of doing. For instance, the fans really get on Derrick Turnbow over simple things like ever throwing strikes. As I've said before, I wish everyone would just leave the kid alone.
If it isn't our fans' fault, it's definitely Bill Hall's fault. All I asked that kid to do was switch from the infield to center field, then benched him twice when he was hitting poorly. Then platooned him. Then benched him for a month. You know what I always say: team MVP in 2006? I don't give two fucks. What have you done for me lately, besides switching positions and playing hurt?
It if isn't Bill Hall's fault, it's definitely the bullpen's fault. All I did was demand they pitch three or more innings nearly every game, no matter what, and how did they repay me? By blowing a lead dozens of times over the course of the season, and completely falling apart by season's end.
If it isn't the bullpen's fault, it's definitely the umpires' fault. They're the ones who threw me out of games three times in the season's final week. Oh, and Tony La Russa's fault. He's the one who had his pitcher bean Prince Fielder in a critical game, causing me to order a hit on Albert Pujols with us trailing in the eighth inning. How was I supposed to know that the pitcher I put in afterwards, Derrick Turnbow, would be unable to put the ball over the plate? I'd do it again if I had to. I'll do anything for my players. Anything. Also, Derrick Turnbow is a fucking jerk for not throwing strikes.
At any rate, things look good for this season. We made some big-deal free agent signings — Mike Cameron and Eric Gagne. Sure, Cameron is missing the first 25 games of the season for popping greenies, and Gagne's inclusion in the Mitchell Report explains why he has kind of sucked the past few years. We also traded our starting catcher for Guillermo Mota, who pitched terribly for the Mets last season once he finished his 50-game suspension for substance abuse. But I'm pleased with all three guys, and I'll tell you why. We need some fucking tough guys on this team, and I when I think tough guys, I think drug abusers. Who was better than Paul Molitor on those early-80s Brewers teams I used to play on? Nobody, and that muhfucker was higher than a kite every day he took the field!
It's clear that the fans and the management in Milwaukee have my back this year. Hardly anyone wrote articles blaming me for our collapse last year. The general manager gave me a vote of confidence by hiring Ted Simmons, a more experienced version of me — in fact, the guy who taught me everything I know — to be bench coach. And I've got a steady stock of Robert E. Lee quotes to get me through the season. The fact is, our bullpen could blow a hundred games this year and we'd still win the division. We still have math on our side.
Comments
Ah, the innocent days of journalism, when nobody saw anything wrong with printing a child's full address in the newspaper.
I hope your parents don't still live there - that could be awkward for them.
Fuck everything, we're going to five blades.
Whatever you do, Ned, don't use Jason Kendall as your catcher.
Oh...sorry.
Bravo.
How was I supposed to know that the pitcher I put in afterwards, Derrick Turnbow, would be unable to put the ball over the plate?
Your first clue should have been: he's Derrick Turnbow.
So which Brewers fan wants Dan Kois to call his boss tommorow?
We also traded our starting catcher for Guillermo Mota, who pitched terribly for the Mets last season once he finished his 50-game suspension for substance abuse.
I take offense to your description of Johnny Estrada as a "catcher".
Thank goodness for the "second from left" tag, else I would have confused the big leaguer with the 6 year old getting said big leaguers' autograph.
.
@Rob Iracane: Well, the pitchers are gonna hit 8th, while Kendall is gonna bat 9th, if that helps the lineup somehow.
The Brewers this year remind of the Reds: fans think, 'you know, I think we have enough young talent and decent enough pitching to win this thing.' Ultimately, like the Reds, the Brewers will falter and tank as they always do.
This is where I'd make a Mr. 3000 joke if only I watched the movie.
Justin Verlander is still fuming at the prospect of not facing that lineup this season...
The race for second place in the Central should be scintillating this year!
@Dany Heatley Speedwagon: Bernie Mac lays down a bunt.
Ooh, Guillermo Mota. That'll be a hoot for you guys.
I'm still trying to figure out why everyone's ready to just hand the Cubs the division this year. Ryan Theriot is still in the lineup and they're going to let Ryan Dempster pitch more innings.
Where are your stripes, Moose Haas? We told you to wear stripes.
@Its The Beer Talking: Because their competition is the Brewers, Reds, Pirates, and Cardinals.
Mrs. Gosman,
555-2135.
Sincerely,
Moosecock Haas
@Christ Sabo: Unbeliever! The Reds are going all the way baby!*
*probably won't happen.
Did you get a certificate of authenticity with that autograph?
Your army's not starving, Ned. Prince just bogarts the postgame spread.
@Christ Sabo:
Given up on the season before March, eh?
Fuck off Brewers. Especially you, Jr., you smarmy little shit. You should've just struck out.
Sincerely,
Padres fans
Johnny Estrada is human garbage. I'd prefer to erase his year with the Brewers from my memory.
@Christ Sabo: Beat me to it.
@Its The Beer Talking: Dempster is promised nothing. The rotation is Zambrano, Lilly, Hill, and then some combination of Marshall/Lieber/Dumpster/Marquis or one of the kids from AAA. And I would be surprised if Lieber was left out of the mix.
I'm really enjoying the Why I Should Put a Fucking Gun in My Mouth Instead of Watching My Favorite Team series. It's a real pick-me-up. I'm just going to check how efficient the self-cleaning settings are on my oven. I'll be back in a minute.
@The Gizmo from Pismo: @racistmascot_inc: I have hope, as I always do, that the Reds will finally do well. Hell, I spent $300 for the 'Power Pack,' just so I can see my first Opening Day game live (and $300 for a poor college student is a shit load). But I'm also a realist, and realize that somehow, someway, the Reds will fuck up this season. It's inevitable.
@Phony Gwynn:
Not his fault he had a 22 year scouting report on Hoffman.
@Christ Sabo:
Says the guy whose team has won a World Series in his lifetime, even if you were 5 or 6 at the oldest.
@Len Bias Cocaine Surplus:
No Spoilers! Damn. First Will with the Cloverfield thing, and now this.
The Cubs pitching will regress, their offense will struggle because Pie is going to flop, Lee is in decline, Theriot sucks, etc. Fukudome was a good pick up and having Soto behind the plate will help, but seriously--The Reds might finish ahead of the Cubs. Pay no attention to my avatar when figuring out my bias.
@Chuckie Hacks 2 and 0: You're a fan of BM's? Me too!
Between the Cubs and the Brewers, there are, like, 15 starting pitchers. Which is fitting, given the Reds only have 2 and the Astros 1.
Ok people, we need to get everyone hooked on the upcoming season. Ideas? I know, preview the Milwaukee Brewers! Brilliant!
@Rob Iracane:
TMI, mein guru.
@Rob Iracane:
+1
@racistmascot_inc: I was 3-years-old when we won the 1990 World Series, so I don't really count that as being 'in my lifetime.' The main thing I remember about the successful Reds of that era were Barry Larkin and a certain bespectacled third baseman.
@Christ Sabo:
Hey, alive is alive.
@Chuckie Hacks 2 and 0: Lee, Aramis and Fuck-you-do-me are going to be a solid middle of the order, to say nothing for whatever DeRosa and Soto bring to the table. Pie just turned 23 so the jury is still out on him, but they will stick him at the bottom of the order and just hope he locks down CF defensively. Plus there's that Soriano guy who I hear hits for power.
Yeah, I'd rather have Jason Kendall, Craig Counsell and Jeff Suppan on my team. Sounds like a pennant winner to me!
@laser-guided: I agree, we should only focus on large-market teams.
/Norby
@Rob Iracane: That's two references to bowel movements from you today. Something on your mind, sport?
@Christ Sabo: You forgot the Astros.
Oh, you said "their competition"... never mind.
If only Rob Deer was still on the team to lend his formidable mustache to the Crew.
@notthequarterback:
People who hit for power tend to do well in the middle of the lineup. Not that a .337 OBP is bad for a leadoff hitter or anything....
@notthequarterback: Hate on Counsell all you want, but we prefer to keep our .650 OPS shortstops on the bench.
@racistmascot_inc: Yeah, everytime Lou talks about leading off Soriano in this year's lineup, I cringe. But I'd rather have 30-35 HR in the lineup than not.
@Its The Beer Talking: Heh. Agree. But Theriot is so golldarned gritty! I can't get over how hard he plays! Sigh. I can't believe this team, for all the talent it's supposed to have, was 8TH in the NL in runs last year. That does worry me.