Deadspin
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who loves zombie movies and is really ticked off that Diary of the Dead came out in a limited release. Oh well. Hopefully World War Z will come out some time in the next year. Anyway, when he isn't obsessing over flesh-eating ghouls, he can be found feasting on basketball's heart and soul at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
• Well, that took only 54 games. The Miami Heat finally broke the 10-win barrier - not to mention an 11-game losing streak - with a 107-86 victory over the Sacramento Kings, and the long-awaited win has Pat Riley feeling...a little wacky. "I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony," Riley said. "I know what to do. I just don't know where to start." Ooookay. Let's just hope that whatever happened in the Heat locker room after the game stays in the Heat locker room. [/shudders] Shawn Marion throttled the Kings about the head and neck with 24 points on 10-for-14 shooting and Dwyane Wade had 15 points, 9 assists, and a rush of sweet, sweet relief. Meanwhile, Sacramento coach Reggie Theus was left to contemplate how his squad - who scored 11 points on 2-for-20 shooting in the third quarter - got their butts handed to them by the league's worst team. "That probably is about the worst we've played all year," Theus said. He's not wrong.
• He is the Turkish Assassin. Hedo Turkoglu scored 17 of his 25 points in the fourth quarter - connecting on all four of his shots, including a couple threes, and hitting seven of eight freethrows - to help the Orlando Magic successfully complete a 102-92 execution of the New Jersey Nets. "He's our go-to guy," said superman Dwight Howard, who had his 50th double-double of the season with 17 points and 10 rebounds. At the other end of the court, the Nets settled miserably into the "Vince Carter is our new team leader" era by watching Half-man, Half-annoying miss 12 of 23 shots - including an airballed three-point attempt that the AP report says was "literally three feet wide and two feet short" - before fouling out of the game.
• Michael Redd "Lebron James'ed" the Cavaliers. King James of Cleveland scored 35 points and hit a game-tying layup with 5.9 tics on the clock, but Michael Redd zoom-zoomed downcourt and launched a 27-foot bomb over Wally Szczerbiak to secure a buzzer-beating 105-102 win for the Milwaukee Bucks. "There's nothing you can do about that," James said. "The guy made a 35-footer fading away." I wouldn't say there was "nothing" that could have been done about it. The Cavs could have trapped him, double-teamed him, threw a long-armed shot blocker like Ben Wallace at him...but hey, maybe I'm just nitpicking. Redd had 25 points to go along with his game-winner, but real hero for Milwaukee was Mo Williams, who scored a season-high 37. Szczerbiak, obtained by Cleveland for his consistent and reliable shooting touch, scored 13 points on a Larry Hughes-like 5-for-18 shooting.
• Overrated my lily-white ass. Steve Nash gave a big Canucky middle finger to the latest round of "Steve Nash is overrated" debates by scoring 25 points (8-for-11) and dishing out 13 assists in the Phoenix Suns' 127-113 win over the Memphis Grizzlies. When informed that his performance wasn't all that impressive, coming as it did against a 14-win team, Nash said, "Are you kidding me? Why is it when Kobe scores 40 points against some crap team everybody's all like 'He's the greatest player in the world' but when I go crazy they say 'Oh, but it's only the Grizzlies'? What do I have to do to get a little street cred around here?" The Suns also got 25 points from Amare Stoudemire, 23 from Grant Hill, and a double-double of 13 points and 11 rebounds from Shaq. Rudy "I'm not gay" Gay had a career-high 36 points for the Griz. Said Memphis coach Mark Iavaroni: "I don't think they had an answer for [Gay] tonight. I think they were just trying to outscore us." Well...duh.
• And in other "It finally happened" news. I think the Utah Jazz have realized that their "blockbuster" trade was for Kyle Korver. "Wait, we didn't get Gasol, or Shaq, or J-Kidd? Uh oh..." said a stunned Carlos Boozer. The Jazz then went out and committed 24 turnovers in a woeful 111-100 loss to the lowly Timberwolves, a defeat that Utah coach Jerry Sloan made sound an awful lot like domestic abuse. "They got their hands on us," Sloan said. "They knocked us around." And they really did. Four Minnesota players scored at least 20 points -Al Jefferson (22), Rashad McCants (22), Randy Foye (season-high 20), and Ryan Gomes (20) - in the team's 12th win of the season.
• See you next year, big man. The Houston Rockets said Zai Jian to Yao Ming - who will miss the rest of the season with a stress fracture in his left foot - by winning lucky number 13 in a row with a 94-69 win over the Washington Wizards. Houston started the ancient Dikembe Mutumbo at center, and he was quick to take credit for the victory. "I believe I set the tempo early and everybody just followed." I seriously hope he was kidding. Luther Head led the Rockets with 18 points. The Wizards got 18 out of Antawn Jamison, but they scored a franchise low 23 points in the first half - 12 in the first quarter, 11 in the second - and shot 31 percent for the game.
• Every dog has his day. And last night Austin Croshere was that dog. Don Nelson gave him a rare second-half start, Croshere scored a season-high 14 points on 6-for-6 shooting and the Golden State Warriors beat the Seattle SuperSonics 105-99. "The last few years, my role has been to be ready, not knowing if you're going to get a DNP or play 27 minutes," Croshere said. "Honestly, it's usually a DNP for me." The Golden Staters also got 30 points from Monta Ellis and 20 points with 10 assists and 7 steals on the side from Baron Davis. Nick Collison was The Man for Seattle (20 points, 9-for-12, 13 rebounds).
• Phil Jackson explains the Western Conference playoff picture. After the Lakers put the finishing touches on their ninth consecutive win - a 96-83 victory over the Portland Trail Blazers - Phil Jackson explained his team's chances of snagging a championship ring. "It's all about what team you're going to match up well against, then start to analyze the teams that are going to be in your bracket and see what your chances are. I think almost every team in our conference that's going to make the playoffs in the bottom ranking is going to say, 'We've got a good chance against the team above us.'" Well, that was...enlightening. Kobe Bryant scored 30 points and Jordan Farmar tied a career-high with 21. LaMarcus Aldridge paced the Blazers with 24 points.
Comments
Who wants to sex Mutumbo joke in 3..2..1
Every year, Wally Szczerbiak's range of defensive helplessness extends by one foot. By 2011, you'll be able to rain NBA Jam TE jumpers over him from half court at will.
@Hustler Andrew: In anticipation for his media approval post, Neil Everret pandered to the underground by actually asking the question "Who wants to guard Mutumbo?" during last night's late starting 11PM SC.
"I don't think they had an answer for [Gay] tonight."
You know who does have an answer for gay? GOD does, that's who.
/thumps Bible
There is only one "Turkish Assassin", and that man is Mehmet Okur. Also, I just found out that Tiffani Amber Theissen is part Turkish. That episode of Saved by the Bell where Kelly Kapowski goes on a Kurd-exterminating rampage finally makes sense.
Any word on when Phil's book, Zen & The Art Of Coaching Platitudes, hits the shelves?
Baron Von Raschke disagrees with your diagnosis of "brain sucker."
majerus can advise riley on where to start
This text message from my brother sums it up best:
"Wally equals Larry"
But hey, at least Wally can work the pick and roll with Joe Smith.
The Wizards actually scored? Hmmm, it must have been during that five minutes when I switched channels.
@Doyle McPoyle:
Carlos the Jackal objects to all of these people.
@MoBot: My fingers are crossed that the Bucks seek cap relief for next summer and Wally=Redd. I want to believe.
I suggest Nash get a crazy dragon tattoo on his face. that always helps one's street cred
@Wyshynski: As does Johnny Rico.
World War Z is the tits. I spent literally days fantasizing about what a badass zombie slayer I would make. When the war comes, I'll be ready.
@Wyshynski: Baron von Raschke did "The Claw".
Speaking of Baron, he now is a substitute teacher in the Twin Cities. Or he was up to a couple of years ago.
Discussion of lumbering beasts with awkward gaits and only one thing on their minds with nary a word about Brendan Haywood's night? For shame.
@MoBot: But hey, at least Wally can work the pick, and roll with Joe Smith.
/fixed
It's amazing how much difference a single well-placed comma can make.
@Weed Against Speed:
Blackjack Mulligan's Claw > BvR's claw
@Tuffy: isn't brendan haywood a lumbering beast with and awkward gait?
@Weed Against Speed: True. Baron vs. The Crusher was all time top 5.
/AWA geek
@thesepretzels: Was that "Crusher" Blackwell or "Crusher" Lisowski?
@thesepretzels: ESPN Classic is going to start airing old AWA episodes at 1am every day starting next week. My DVR will be soon filled with Baron and the Crusher.
@Get Him A Body Bag, Yeah!: AWA was great. But World Class was Von Eri-ffic.
@7-8 Deville: Eggggggggggggzactly.
@Doyle McPoyle: There is only one "Turkish Assassin", and that man is Mehmet Ali Agca.
Fixed.
How the hell do I do strikethrough?
@Wyshynski: I'm the guy who wrote half my thesis on the Von Erichs, so my love of World Class is well documented. Still, AWA on ESPN Classic is better than what they're showing now (the same five episodes of Herb Abrams' UWF, possibly the worst wrestling organization in history). Apparently AWA starts tonight and will be airing every weeknight.
watching Half-man, Half-annoying miss 12 of 23 shots
So he went 11 for 23. 48%.
@anonymouseducator: I know...I should have been more specific about this. It wasn't his shooting percentage so much as the type of shots he took. 18 of his 23 shots were jumpers, and 7 of which came from at least 27 feet out, and 4 of which were lauched from at least 32 feet out. At some point, Vince is going to just let it fly the second he crosses half court...all the better to avoid contact.
You can't fault the Cavs for not defending better on that shot. It was a fast transition where Michael Redd took about five steps before heaving up an incredibly lucky desperation shot. How do you prevent that without using a pistol?
@Chief Wahoo: Use a bat.
@Chief Wahoo: If I'm Mike Brown, I instruct my team to double-team Redd as soon as the ball is inbounded to him. And that's not something you need a time-out or special instructions for. It's Basketball 101. You always trap or double the opposing team's best player in end-of-game situations, especially if the guy has to advance the ball 70 feet in five seconds. No NBA defense should allow a guy to run downcourt undeterred in five seconds and get a shot off.
@Basketbawful: I don't know, double teaming Redd leaves someone else wide open. As it is, Sczerbiak was right in Redd's face and 99 out of 100 times that shot doesn't fall. I'm still okay with the way the Cavs played it.
@Chief Wahoo: Okay. If you were coaching the Cavaliers, you wouldn't have done anything differently? Anything at all? You'd let the other team's best player keep the ball in his hands?
The point is that the play that Milwaukee made came off of LeBron's made bucket. The fact that Milwaukee didn't have a time out actually hurt the Cavaliers. Milwaukee would have been able to push the ball up the court, but the Cavs' D would have had a chance to set up.
The real story for this game was the 37-14 free throw disparity in favor of the Bucks.
@Basketbawful: Actually, Mo Williams was the Bucks best player last night, and I don't want to double Redd and give Williams a chance at getting open with the ball.
Joakim Noah is living proof that the Zombie Apocalypse is already here.
@FilteringCraig: Am I the only person here who was ever coached? Or listens to Hubie Brown, for that matter? You always - always - stop the ball-handler, get the rock out of his hands. I learned that at age 11, and I'm pretty sure the Cavs have been taught the concept more than once. If Cleveland got caught off guard because of the Bucks' lack of timeouts, that's there own fault...and Mike Brown's.
@Chief Wahoo: Mo was their best player last night...Redd is their best player overall, and their first option with the game on the line. The Cavs should have trapped Redd and had somebody body up on Williams so he couldn't catch and shoot.
You'll be even more ticked off once you actually see "Diary of the Dead." It's like reading a preachy high-school newspaper editorial about the self-absorption of the "You Tube generation" while strolling through a haunted house that periodically annoys you with rickety pop-up props. The overwrought social commentary culminates with a single portentous bloody zombie tear. At least a deaf Amish guy provides quality comic relief.
Also, it's not bloody enough -- the ravenous Riley mosquito wouldn't get a full feast out of the carnage.
@garbageday: The overwrought social commentary culminates with a single portentous bloody zombie tear.
Oh, dear lord, I hope you're kidding. But, alas, I'm pretty sure you aren't. I should have figured. I felt like Romero had lost a handle on his own zombie mythology when I saw Land of the Dead, which taught us that, hey, those zombies, they're just like us...they're just looking for a place to live. Let's not blow them up or anything, even if they just finished gobbling up 70 percent of the humans left on the planet (as far as we know). That was a big pile of crap served on a crap sandwich.
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