Deadspin
If Roger Clemens ever tires of heading out there and "defending" "his" name," he's gonna come to the harsh reality that he is, after all, unemployed. As you wonder aloud what he might be qualified to do — we suggest perhaps dry cleaning — the Huntsville Stars, the Double A affiliate for the Milwaukee Brewers, have a job they think that might serve him: Mascot.
In an open letter (PDF) to Clemens, they offer them a position as team mascot. Well, backup team mascot, actually.
We have already designed a new logo for the Huntsville Stars that now includes a rocket. Since everybody this side of Venus knows you as the 'Rocket,' we would like to offer you the position of our team's official secondary mascot, 'Rocket.' As 'Rocket,' you will dress as an astronaut and simply interact with fans and assist in on-field promotions during our 70-game home schedule when the primary mascot, Homer the Polecat, is not available.
We firmly believe that you would be a great addition to our organization and are willing to move forward in the negotiation process as soon as possible. Although the position isn't the most lucrative in Minor League Baseball, we will guarantee that you'll have the most fun of any team with which you've been employed. In addition to your $25 per game, you will receive meal vouchers redeemable at the concession stands for one hotdog and one soft drink each night, and a 15% employee discount at our team's souvenir store, The Backstop Shop.
You know, that's a pretty good deal. The question hangs there, unanswered: Drug testing, or no?
Stars Letter To Clemens (PDF)
Comments
Yankees still need starting pitching.
This is ideal for Roger, since he would only have to be at home games.
He'd only go if Andy Pettite was offered the hot dog vender vacancy.
He'll start showing up in July.
Clemens, seen here calling his shot(s)
Thumbs down on the outfit on the woman in the background.
"Whoops! Sorry, Rog; the astronaut outfit is being cleaned. Here, put on the 'Homer the Polecat' outfit; no one will notice."
One day I hope to tuck my shirts in as nicely as Clemens.
Homer the Polecat < Dancing Homer
@Crookednose: I think I'd rather have Homer the Polecat.
"Since everybody this side of Venus knows you stuck a needle in Uranus,"
Fixed.
That lady is sporting the finest in kindergarten teacher couture.
"Homer the Polecat" has to be on the B-squad at the Hermaphrodite Heaven club in Hunstville during his days off.
If he's know as "The Rocket," wouldn't he just be able to dress up as himself?
One hot dog and one coke per game? They still hiring?
He would eventually be replaced by Paint Drinkin' Pete anyways...
The disembodied hand on that plaque is pretty creepy.
He'll be busy fending off Big-Head Barry's advances.
@The Sports Hernia: When your gut can help keep the shirt/pant unity that tight, it's pretty easy. I can only imagine the tensile strength of that waistband.
Mmmm, (free) hot beef injection.
They're a Milwaukee Brewers affiliate? Then why the hell isn't their mascot the Octabong?
The Backstop Shop is also code for ESPN Cafeteria.
[web.minorleaguebaseball.com]
I pictured something completely different when I heard Homer the Polecat
@Doyle McPoyle: Homer the Polecat < Capital City Goofball
Clemens would be a perfect stand in as the polecat is a member of the weasel family.
@Carlton_Whitfield: Not as creepy as Barbara Streisand standing behind Clemens decked out in her Zulu Nation attire.
@The White Boom Boom: Mike Mangino invests heavily in waistband tensile-strength research. Roger helps them out with field tests.
@7-8 Deville: Ribbee, the Director of Fun and Entertainment for the West Tenn Diamond Jaxx > Capital City Goofball
Apparently Roger can lead the crowd in a rendition of YMCA.
It would be entertaining to watch him wing a free t-shirt toward the heckler in the front row.
"Polecat" sounds like a euphemism for a stripper.
15% discount? That is just above and beyond.
These guys are class acts.
Roger, take the job.
@Peter Cavan: They're doing the Lord's work.
And by "Lord" I mean fat guys.
that woman on the left is managing to keep it together pretty well considering her dog tore up several of her sweaters and she had to piece something together at the last minute.
Well I guess since there is a NASA site in Huntsville, the Rockets make sense.
and The "Huntsville Roid-Raging, Neo-Con Assholes"
won't fit on a uniform.
It's old Cheri Oteri again.
I figured the next logical step for Roger was an appearance at Wrestelmania as special guest referee
I once went to a killer Ozzie Canseco pool party at Mallard Point.
"Red Rocket! Red Rocket!"
-Cartman
Clemens + T-shirt cannon = concussed children who earned their bloodied Stars memorabilia the Rocket way
Both Clemens and that lady's outfit are still better than Enron.
/silver lining for Houstonians
@Lunatic Fringe: The team is actually the Stars, they're just acknowledging the rocket stuff further. Especially since there's not a giant model of all the stages of a Saturn V rocket now.
I would pay for season tickets right now if this happened.
Who cares? The anticipation of todays, "Guest Lecture Series" trumps this bigtime. I hope its Bob Costas.
@CIALIS COOPER: Don't you know they have t-shirt airguns for that now?
@Carlton_Whitfield:
GOB: But it does look like he's not going to show. I kind of feel like that kid who found the severed hand.
Steve Holt: "Hey, Dad, look what I found!"
GOB: Anything for his father's approval. Heartbreaking.
If you look really hard you can almost make out a moose knuckle
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