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The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer.
When you're Chris Pronger, you're crucified for the bad things you do and the bad things everyone assumes you did (even after the girl denied it). And while many hockey fans were were preparing to see him slapped with a substantial suspension for stepping on Vancouver's Ryan Kesler on Wednesday night, the NHL decided yesterday that the incident wasn't sponge-worthy.
It's a decision that has split the hockey world into two camps: Those who believe Pronger is a traitorous thug whose famous name saved him from the gallows (although that sure didn't help him in the playoffs last season); and those who actually watched the following video, can see the mountain is actually a mole hill, and know that the other camp is delusional at best and imbecilic at worst.
Most of the reaction had been based from this YouTube clip from the Canucks/Ducks game, which has the clarity of Abraham Zapruder filming Bigfoot. But the following from TSN's news coverage (and when will Fox News be scooping up this blonde for its army of Femmebots?) provides the best angle I've seen of the stomp:
Watch Pronger's head when Kesler gets stepped on. Kesler tries to take him out of the play with a pair of leg scissors, and Pronger is turning around to break the hold and skate away. It's hard for me to heap loads of premeditated malice on Pronger when he's already looking up ice at the time of the "stomping."
This Kesler thing is being compared to the Chris Simon stomp on Jarkko Ruutu, which is absolutely stunning to me. Refresh your memory on the Simon incident — which earned him 30 games and a trip to Arkham Asylum for some cool-down time — and then explain to me how his attempt to prison-slice the back of Ruutu's Achilles tendon is even in the same conversation as Pronger/Kesler, besides the fact that they both involved skates and took place on ice. Seeing these two incidents as somehow relatable should be grounds for a state-mandated re-administration of a driver's test, because you're blinder than Andrea Bocelli staggering around Jame Gumb's basement.
In summary, here's a beefcake shot for our many female hockey fans here on the Closer, featuring two of the most talented and unfairly maligned players of the last two decades. Here's a hint: One has mush for brains, and the other is Eric Lindros.
Nobody Beats the Bryz. And today's award for the most obscure opening to a game-story goes to Larry Pruner of Black Press: "The Vancouver Canucks looked Thursday night like the Argentinian military during the 1982 Falkland Islands war - no leadership, no defence." Ilya Bryzgalov backstopped Phoenix to a 2-0 win over the Canucks, pulling the Coyotes within three points of the final Campbell Conference playoff spot. Vancouver is slumping, and the Sedin twins are getting tossed around like they were made by Nerf. So when does the whining start from the rest of the conference bubble that that NHL wants Gretzky to make the playoffs?
You Just Got Served, Yo. I was talking puck with someone in the know last night, and he made a good call on the Ottawa Senators: They're gamers. You watch them play against teams like Pittsburgh or Montreal, whom they shutout 3-0 last night to move into first place in the division, and the Senators can look like champions-in-waiting. They're a more experienced team than people realize, and they're getting two things heading into the playoffs that they haven't gotten throughout the season: Healthier, and good goaltending from Martin Gerber. Ottawa pounded the shit out of Montreal last night, and will do the same to anyone it sees in the postseason. Fuck another banner: The Penguins and Devils should be trying to win their division to completely avoid seeing Ottawa in Round One.
Puck Headlines
* Wow, a lot went on yesterday: With a 5-3 win over Dallas, Detroit clinched its 17th straight playoff berth, seventh straight division title and eighth straight 100-point season, which tied a record set by the Habs from 1974-82. And they'll still lose before the conference finals...
* Nashville and Boston are doing their best to piss the postseason away, losing to Los Angeles (4-1) and Tampa Bay (3-1) respectively. And now Calgary is only four points from missing the playoff cut after blowing a three-goal lead against the crap-tacular Thrashers last night. Ilya Kovalchuk scored a hat-trick against the Flames. I honestly had no idea collecting hats was one of the Puck Girls' primary duties. I wonder what that question looks like on the application...
* If Colorado's proven anything this season, it's that it can play through injuries: Avs 5, Oilers 1, and Colorado moves into first place in the division despite missing half its players (or so it would seem). By the way, Ian Laperriere loves him some YouTube and Hockeyfights.com action ... as well as some Andre Roy. [Vancouver Sun]
* Is your team going to miss the postseason? Time to turn to booze, baseball and blogging. [The FanHouse]
* Finally, big win for the Devils last night in Minnesota to reclaim the top seed in the conference. But David Clarkson got his ass handed to him in this fight with Chris Simon. We can all hate Simon for being a psychotic thug who shouldn't have been let back into the League this season ... but props to him for a textbook smack-down:
Comments
It's a decision that has split the hockey world into two camps: Those who believe Pronger is a traitorous thug whose famous name saved him from the gallows
Count me in. I hope Chris Pronger dies in a pool of his own blood and vomit.
Victim of circumstance or a thuggish douche?
A little of column A, a little of column B.
One has mush for brains, and the other is Eric Lindros.
Brett Lindros?
Now that being said, I don't think the incident was Simon-like. Still should have been suspended a game or two though....
I don't follow hockey (no disrespect), but when in doubt, I always vote 'Thuggish Douche'.
Call me when Ottawa wins something, you know, substantial.
Mouse cursor doesn't lift the Thrasher hatgirl's skirt. Can someone at Gawker work on that for me please?
Meh, on the fight. No blood? No hockey.
Didn't see the fight. I guess it happened when I decided that the game wasn't worth watching anymore, and shut it off. Glad I picked it up again in the 3rd period.
I vote Thuggish Douche.
/Oilers fan.
Agreed with Afino - I think it was worth at least a game.
Wait, does that mean her vagina is sponsored by Aaron's, or just the skirt?
If Ruutu didn't want his achilles stepped on, he should have known better than coming within 20 feet of Chris Simon.
Oh, and I vote for Thuggish Douche
@Doyle McPoyle: Bastard was asking for it.
Boy, that *is* an obscure open. "Defence" with a 'c'. Wow.
Aaron seems to be a lucky fellow if a bit possessive.
Even if comparing Simon's goonery and Pronger's actions the other night is like comparing apples to oranges, his track record alone should warrant a suspension of a game or two - as long as it's okay with his wife.
I always thought Pronger had his own category, like the platypus or sea horses.
So who knocked up the beat reporter?
I'm just going to go ahead and assume it was Shawn Kemp.
@Canadian Impostor: Victim of Douche?
Pronger and Lindros in white shorts ... ok then.
Looks like that puck-girl finished second place in a shovel fight.
/bitter Flames fan still seething
To WAS and the rest of the MYFO crew: Next Douche War should involve Pronger.
@Afino: Eh, maybe. I just think the notion that this was Simonish (Def: As of or like Chris Simon) is outlandish.
Wish Pronger was never traded from St. Louis.
I always thought craptacular was one word.
Does the Wyshynski have an e-mail address?
Detroit clinched its 17th straight playoff berth, seventh straight division title and eighth straight 100-point season, which tied a record set by the Habs from 1974-82. And they'll still lose before the conference finals...
Oh come on, what would make you say that? Besides, you know, recent history?
A pro sports league with a double standard for stars and journeymen? Color me stunned.
@Afino: If you can get SI to ask him who is his favorite character on Battlestar Galactica - I'm on it.
I was talking puck with someone in the know last night, and he made a good call on the Ottawa Senators: They're gamers.
They then went on to note that they love to play the game.
@Lanny's Mustache Rides:
Haha @ last night.
/Avs fan
@Brad_Lee et al: jestersquart@hotmail.com. No, I don't know how to make it all linky and stuff.
What a line from the Sun article on Lappy:
Roy appeared to give Cote the neck-slash sign that he was going to kill the Flyers' heavyweight. That's not right, either. The NHL frowns on that.
What? Killing? I think it's OK as long as the victim is back for the next home series.
Oh and incase she's a deadspin reader, girl in Seat 1 Row 12 Section 372 at the Avs game last night, thanks for wear that awesome low cut shirt, in a 5-1 game you defiantly helped pass the time.
/creepy drunk hockey fan
Well at lest he didn't lead with "The Vancouver Canucks sank like the General Belgrano" which would have been in bad taste . . . but true.
You know, I think if I had to, I could take a full-speed check from an NHL goon and survive. But what would really terrify me would be all those goddamn razor sharp skates just flying (and being swung) around.
It's like running around on a slip-n-slide covered in baby oil while being chased about by men with buck knives attached to their boots.
The Devils absolutely stole two points yesterday. Very nice that the Minnesota native Captain got the only goal during the shootout.
Did Emrick really say that Paul Martin was the all time receptions leader in Minnesota HS history? WTF?
@ThatMarkDude: It's like running around on a slip-n-slide covered in baby oil while being chased about by men with buck knives attached to their boots.
What the fuck were you doing at my bachelor party?
So Lukas Krajicek was in the Argentinian military in 1982?
Mmm...Jennifer Hedger.
Here's hoping Fox never finds her.
Also: put my ballot in the "thuggish douche" box.
@Zach Parise's Shorty: Basically, Clarkson died so the Devils could live.
@Wyshynski: staying away from the assholes with knives on their boots.
@the sieve: Is that her name?
Jennifer Hedger...between the hedges indeed.
@Wyshynski: TSN is saying they have clearer video now, and that Pronger's guilty (well, Bob McKenzie says he's guilty).
[www.tsn.ca]
Not on the same scale as Simon on Ruutu, but it sure looks intentional to me.
@Wyshynski: Trim her hedges?
Oh, I forgot to vote:
How about "Victim of Douche"? Can I vote for that?
@Summer-of-George: Do you work/drink (same thing) at SoBo 151?
Incidential stomp = 3 games
Intentional stomp = 30 games
Just because it was an accident, that doesn't make it right.
@Weed Against Speed: There's something very Canadian about that opening.
Sure, technically Detroit ties the 100-point mark by the Habs, but with points for overtime losses and shootouts, it should get at least an asterisk.
@ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos: It's like no one remembers that Presidents Trophy a few years back or hello... Eastern Conference Championship last year. Sheesh.
@Yostal: Recent history (12 years)
3 Cups
4 Trips to the Finals
6 trips to the conference finals
I'll take that recent history over anyone else's.
@Al Czerviks Ride on the WMU Bronco Bandwagon: But enough about the Devils ...
/homer
How the predators can beat Calgary and Dallas on the road, and then lose to the worst team in the west at home, I'll never know. Trotz keeps fucking with the lines all the time, not sure if that has anything to do with it. Most goals weren't Ellis' fault last night, lots of tip ins. LA's goalie had a helluva game, we should've had atleast 2-3 goals if not for some nice saves.
Well I'm off to Denver so I can see the Avs play the Devils tomorrow. Keeping my fingers crossed that Forsberg's actually in the lineup - otherwise the joke's on me, I guess. Stupid groin.
Oh. And "thuggish douche."
@Wyshynski: "But enough about the Devils ...
/ facepainter
"
Notice that Pronger & Lindros are OUTSIDE the men's room. Coincidence? I think not!
Also, is it just me or is Lindros throwing Hextall his shirt after their 3 way and saying, "Nice four & five hole, dry yourself off"....
Finally: Pronger = Douchebag. Can't stop laughing about the hit where he tried to up-end Stevie Y in the playoffs and ended up blowing his own knee out. See what I mean. Douchebag defined.
@Patchy Drizzle:
Umm, no. I do work, and drink. But not at Sobo 151 (I don't even know what that is)
@Jen P:
Damn, just missed you, have fun. I wore my "Who needs a speen when you have a Hart" forsberg shirt last night, I should have scratch it out and just put "Fucking Groin"
My 6 year-old upon see