Deadspin
The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer.
Goaltending is like a night at the roulette table: You win some, you lose some, but in the end it's fickle fate that determines whether you break the bank or end up trading sexual favors for bus fare in the bathroom of a budget buffet down the street (like we all haven't been there before). Luck was a lady for goalies like Antero Niittymaki and Fredrik Norrena last night, and a cruel mistress for others like Ilya Bryzgalov and Ty Conklin. And then there was Vesa Toskala of the Leafs, who helped Toronto continue "Operation: Cock-Tease" with 27 saves in a 3-1 win over the Islanders — while allowing one of the most embarrassing goals in the history of televised hockey.
It was scoreless in the first period and the Leafs were on the power play. Bryan McCabe — and it's rather hilarious he had a hand in this debacle — coughed up the puck to Islanders defenseman Rob Davison deep in the zone. What happened next drew a "Holy Macinaw!" from the Toronto broadcasters (video) and "talk about a bad infield!" from the MSG crew (more video): The puck bounced about six times, Toskala tried to play it with his glove, and it bounced right past him for a goal that's been estimated between 178-190 feet by media accounts. This is by far the most douche-chilling angle I've seen, from Toskala's perspective:
The Islanders fans chanted "Hey, You Suck!" and McCabe skated over to offer some advice on being an international punchline the morning after. But if you stuck with the video, you may have noticed Toskala also saved the game for the Leafs late in the third by stoning Mr. Hilary Duff from the slot. Which kept the Leafs' improbable playoff hopes alive, and kept Toskala in good spirits in the postgame: "I was laughing. I mean, that was my buddy from San Jose who scored. And he doesn't really score a lot," he told the Toronto Sun. "Hey, shit happens. What are you going to do?" Indeed...as Pension Plan Puppets notes, he's not exactly alone.
For the Islanders, Kyle Okposo made his debut as a 19-year-old to some fanfare, Rick DiPietro is toast and will have hip surgery for the second time during his 15-year contract, and I'm beginning to have serious doubts about their postseason chances. Yet the Nassau Coliseum remains the place to be and be seen; hey, isn't that Christie Brinkley wearing Mike Bossy's varsity jacket and Hollywood icon Eric Murphy, who produced Billy Walsh's epic film "Medellin?"
More Goalie Nuttiness. It really was a bat-shit crazy night between the pipes. ConkBlock morphed back into ConkSuck at MSG, as his defense started playing for the other team and he gave up perhaps the biggest rebound at the Garden since Patrick Ewing retired in a 5-2 loss to the Rangers. Sean Avery scored two goals and heard the home crowd chant "Re-sign Avery." I'm pretty sure you couldn't find a more loathsome line than the one featuring Avery and Jagr; you'd pretty much have to put Heather Mills on the Rev. Jeremiah Wright's wing. (Ooooh, topical.)
In Nashville, Dan Ellis gave up three goals on eight shots before getting yanked in Washington's 4-2 victory. Ovechkin went over 100 points, and scored his 58th goal of the season with a 160-foot bank-shot off the boards into an empty net. "It was the luckiest score ever," he said after the game, before he looked up "Vesa Toskala" on YouTube and shit his pants. Meanwhile in Edmonton's 8-4 win over Phoenix, Bryzgalov was just fucking awful: Three goals on 11 shots in a must-win game for the Coyotes' playoff hopes. I don't want to say the Oilers own his ass, but a tattoo on his left buttock features Kevin Lowe pointing to last night's box score under the words, "Who's Yer Daddy?"
But it wasn't all terrible luck for the net minders last night. Fredrik Norrena got some help from the posts and shut out the Flames, 3-0, in a game that de-evolved into fugliness near the end — check out Robin Regehr's check from behind that led to a Jared Boll/Craig Conroy scrap, one that was over before the TV crew could flash the "tale of the tape" graphic. Finally, Antero Niittymaki made the save of the night in Philly's 3-2 win over Atlanta. Ilya Kovalchuk scored his 50th goal with 30 seconds left, and then uncorked a wrister before the final buzzer that Niittymaki flashed a pad out to save, keeping Philly in the eighth seed for now. Thank God the Flyers' goaltending turns to shit in the postseason, or we'd really be in trouble.
Puck Headlines
* If the playoffs started today ... well, they'd look a lot like they did yesterday. The Ducks and Stars meet tonight, and that could go a long way in determining if they'll meet again in the first round. Here's an interesting breakdown of the Eastern Conference's "Nightmare Scenarios."
* Alexander Mogilny vs. rapists and murders. [Kuklas Korner]
* Hartford Whalers fans that can't give up the ghost are either the most inspiring or depressing puckheads on the planet. A new documentary could help split the difference. [The FanHouse]
* Bob Probert, Chris Nilan and Stu Grimson go to Afghanistan with the Stanley Cup. Bin Laden signs Marty McSorley, Tony Twist and Tie Domi to 10-day contracts, just in case. [Canwest]
* Predicting this year's hot playoff goalie. I'm not a betting man, but I'd lay off any action on Dan Cloutier. [Going Five Hole]
* Finally, I saw this on eBay and I think the world is better with this in it. For the record: I'm offering a sixer of Dominion Brewery Oak Barrel Stout to anyone who can get me a photo Chris Chelios wearing this pin:
Comments
Murphy only hooked up with Brinkley because Adrien Grenier passed on her.
And yes, that was the only goal they scored.
Boy, Alexander Mogilny has really let himself go.
This is by far the most douche-chilling angle I've seen
Does Mark Cuban even watch hockey?
Get in front of the damn ball, Dorn! Don't give me any of this old age bullshit!
I demand the price is right bad pick music to be played over the clip of that goal.
I will then watch it on repeat the rest of the day.
Brinkley's skin is showing mileage wear.
Nice give & go Prospal!
ole*
God damn I hate when I screw up the quotes.
I think Murphy wanted to do more than hug it out with that bitch.
Old and short
@MattMillenFanClub: It's natural for Brinkley to be a hockey fan. It's obvious she's been involved in a few face-offs.
@Gourmet Spud: I thought Turtle usually got the sloppies.
@Afino: Now you listen to me! This is my last shot at a winner and for some of the younger guys it could be their only shot. I don't know what happened to you. But if you ever, ever tank another play like you did today, I'm gonna cut your nuts off and stuff 'em down your fuckin' throat!
Billy Joel got so mad at this picture that he drove all the way across the country just to personally smash through the front of E's house in Hollywood.
Still living in her white bread world, I see.
@Doyle McPoyle: He wasn't mad, just got lost coming home from the bar.
Apparently "Operation: Cock-tease" is a much bigger undertaking then we realized and a coalition has now been formed with the Coilers.
Needs more tits, less boobs.
@Dany Heatley Speedwagon: It's a coalition of the willing ... to wait until the last month of the season to get their asses in gear.
It's their rink, it's their ice, and it's their fuckin' town. But tonight we got our fans with us!
They spent their own dough to get here, and they came here to see us! All right, let's show 'em what we got, guys! Get out there on the ice and let 'em know you're there. Get that fuckin' stick in their side. Let 'em know you're there! Get that lumber in his teeth. Let 'em know you're there!
That predicting hot playoff goalies article was very bold and insightful naming 9 out of 16 possible goalies. The only thing it forgot was "Honourable Mention: the other 7"
@Weed Against Speed: back in the day, she be fine.
today, about 6 rummy cokes
When she wakes up,
she should makeup
her face a little bit more
@Wyshynski: Their is no excuse for sucking all year then kicking it into high gear like this now to tease the fanbase... but I'll accept Edmonton doing it if only for the giant fuck you to Brian Burke. Fuck him right in his ear.
Nothing on the Canadiens shitting the bed vs. the lowly Blues? Raspberry berets across Quebec were thrown in disgust last evening.
@MattMillenFanClub: She's the kind of woman you walk up to in a bar all hazy-eyed, and you're thinking, "I'm going to close this case as long as she doesn't mention her kids...or her kids' kids."
and before I forget... Toskola deserves all the ripping he gets. The first thing you learn as a goaltender is NEVER try and just scoop it up with your glove... ALWAYS get in front of it. That kind of play was made for the Leafs.
@Brad_Lee:
The kind you'd buy at a second hand store?
@Wyshynski: Ok, pretend she's willing. Who do we call for a ride to the hotel: Billy Joel, or Toonces the cat?
@MattMillenFanClub: Ted Kennedy.
@UkraineNotWeak: That means if it had been warm in Quebec, all of them would have been naked.
@MattMillenFanClub: Clark Griswald.
@Brad_Lee: I know, I know...it was a big win last night, and good to see Boyes earning his money where Ribeiro refuses to. In all honesty, I thought the final score was a typo, so I ignored it.
What..no love for the Blue Jackets?!
@Dany Heatley Speedwagon: "Honorable mention: Everyone but Martin Gerber"
I thought Monday, Wednesday, and Friday were our tits days? Friday better have double boobies...
Following a picture of Christine Brinkley with the phrase "bat-shit crazy" may not be subtle enough.
@Dany Heatley Speedwagon: +1. Though sometimes those bouncing pucks can somehow go through your body sometimes. This has never happened to me though. Only that one time. In a tournament. Bah.
@Wyshynski:
He was out back with Turtle, double-teaming Janice Dickenson.
Somewhere Chris Osgood is probably thinking we've all forgotten those two center ice goals from the 97-98 run! WE WILL NEVER FORGET OPIE...oh and don't think you're off the hook either Jamie Macoun just coz you won a ring that year...
@Summer-of-George: We talking 2 women or like the chick from Total Recall?
@Gourmet Spud: or maybe he was outback with Drama?
Every time Conklin mishandled a puck last night, a small smile settled on the corners of Marc-Andre Fleury's agent.
@Dany Heatley Speedwagon:
(hangs head in shame) If anyone needs me, I'll be out back...
She'll see I'm not so tough
Just because... I was never tough.
/hates Entourage
***also, the Penguins were on their annual "Dads travel with the team" trip, and Therrien started Ty 'cause his dad made the trip from Alaska. And he got to see his son hung out to dry.
/hates Ryan Whitney's giveaways
@Wyshynski: A late March win for a team outside of the playoff chase is but a lone cricket chirping in the black of night. And that cricket is likely to jump into a big giant bug zapper Thursday night in Ottawa.
@crazyjoedavola:
We're talking 2 chicks from Total Recall...8 boobs total.
@Gourmet Spud:
...with Lloyd.
@Summer-of-George:
And speaking of Total Recall, I think Sharon Stone's just had that surgery.
Conklin handles the puck like a 1970s goalie. And that may be flattery.
@Average-Joe: So I take it I wasn't the only one who thought "Osgood?!" when I saw the thread title?
He who references Entourage is not allowed to use the phrase "douche-chills."
@The Gizmo from Pismo: Check out the graf before the puck headlines...no love by name, but I did pimp your backup keeper's shutout.
I've got nuthin' for love for Columbus...especially after I got 'faced there following the Draft last summer.
@Wilf: Yeah, that hurt to watch.
@Encouraging Referee Pitman: @Wilf: I find "Entourage" amusing. I used to find it really amusing before they turned Drama into the Homer Simpson idiot plot of the week character. Now I watch it for the occasional Piven stroke of genius, for the guest stars, and for Billy Walsh, director from hell.
For the record, Okposo looked more exploso than so so, and almost netted one on a nifty, Nystrom-esque wrap-around.
@in Soviet Russia, 911 calls YOU: Honestly, I was thinking "Cloutier..."
@Turkeyleg: Okposo looked more exploso than so so
The great Gene Shalit, ladies and gentlemen...