Deadspin
The NBA Closer is written by J. Jonah Jameson, publisher and editor-in-chief of The Daily Bugle, New York's favorite newspaper since 1932. When he's not trying to rid the world of a certain wall-crawling menace, he can be found preparing his Pulitzer Prize speech at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
San Antonio 107, Orlando 97. The youth of this nation must learn to respect real heroes -men such as my son, John Jameson, the test pilot, and even NBA superstars like Tim Duncan - not selfish freaks like Spider-man, a masked menace who refuses to let us know his true identity! Speaking of Duncan, he had 19 points and 15 rebounds, and he got plenty of help from fellow upstanding Americans like Michael Finley (24 points) and Manu Ginobili (28 points). What?! Ginobili's from Argentina?! I bet that rotten Spider-man is behind this! He's always trying to discredit me! Oh, Dwight "Superman" Howard had 24 points and 21 rebounds in a losing effort. On the subject of losing, the Magic lost the services of both Hedo Turkoglu (sprained right wrist) and Jameer Nelson (bruised jaw) in the first half, and I'll bet Spider-man was involved somehow!
New Orleans 114, Indiana 106. Many people ask me, "Mr. Jameson, if Spider-man is as dangerous as you say, why is he always saving people from criminals and super-villains?" The answer is simple: Because he's really an egomaniac, a neurotic trouble-maker flaunting his power before the ordinary citizens whom he despises! For all we know, he himself provokes the criminals whom he later seems to defeat! And that makes my blood boil. You know what else makes my blood boil? Hoosiers! What the hell is a "Hoosier" anyway? So yeah, I was glad Chris Paul and the Hornets stung the Pacers. Get it? "Stung the Pacers." That's some clever journalism is what that is. Write that down. Anyway, Paul had 31 points and 14 assists, and David West added 35 points and 15 rebounds. I don't know a lot about basketball, but I've been told those numbers are pretty good. The Pacers got 26 points out of Danny Granger and another 17 out of Shawne Williams. Hey, didn't Williams harbor a suspected murderer earlier this season? Hey, maybe he's harboring that web-headed miscreant, Spider-man! Where's Peter Parker? I'd better send him to get some pictures...
Dallas 103, L.A. Clippers 90. Do we really want our youngsters to make an idol of a mentally-disturbed menace like Spider-man?! I say no! We must find him...unmask him...and then destroy him! The very future of American's children is at stake! Speaking of futures that are at stake, the Mavericks playoff future is really hanging in the balance these days. They're barely hanging onto the seventh seed in the Western Conference, they can't beat good teams, and their superstar and reigning "MVP" Dirk Nowitzki is out indefinitely with left knee and ankle injuries. Was Spider-man responsible for that? No?! Can we be absolutely sure?! Meh, whatever. Since Dallas can't beat a good team, it's lucky for them they were playing the Clippers last night. Josh Howard scored 32 points, Erick Dampier had 19 points and 17 rebounds, and Jerry Stackhouse added 20 points. The Clippers got...you know what? Who cares?! Why are we talking about some lousy sports team when we should be tracking down Spider-man before he strikes again! Where's Parker?! Paaaaaarker!!
Chicago 103, Atlanta 94. As publisher of The Daily Bugle, I'm offering a cash reward of one thousand dollars for the capture and conviction of that web-slinging, wall-crawling mockery of a man! Oh, and just so you know, that reward is not redeemable in U.S. Dollars. It will be paid out in 36 monthly installments of our company currency, which I like to call "Bugle Bucks." Bugle Bucks can be used to purchase important and valuable items, such as a six-month subscription to The Daily Bugle or an autographed photograph of yours truly (made out to "Dear paying customer"). Anyway, onto this "Hawks/Bulls" business. Watching these two lousy teams go at it reminds me of the time I paid to have Mac Gargan genetically mutated into the super-villain called the Scorpion so he could put an end to Spider-man once and for all! Unfortunately, Gargan went insane and tried to kill me, and, even worse, he failed to stop Spider-man! So basically, nobody really won. Exactly like this game. Drew Gooden led the Bulls with 31 points and 16 rebounds, and Josh Childress scored 22 for the Hawks.
Utah 128, Charlotte 106. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Some people have actually accused me of slandering Spider-man. I resent that. Slander is spoken. In print, it's libel. What are you people, his lawyers? Get lost! Let him sue me and get rich like a normal human being! So the Utah Jazz...they're coached by a man named Jerry Sloan, who reminds me a little bit of me. And I like that! Although "Utah" and "Jazz" go together about as well as Oreos and motor oil. Blech! So yeah, Carlos Boozer led seven Jazz players in double-figures with 28 points, and Deron Williams added 14 points and 15 assists. Jason Richardson scored 26 for the Bobcats. Hey, didn't I once hire a guy called The Bobcat to track down and unmask Spider-man? Or was it The Puma? Yeah, I think that was it.
Portland 102, Washington 82. Am I always to be thwarted, embarrassed, frustrated by Spider-man? I hate that costumed freak more than I've ever hated anyone before! I'll never be content while he's free! And the Wizards won't be content until Gilbert Arenas returns from injury. And for that matter, the Trail Blazers probably won't be totally satisfied until they have Greg Oden in uniform. But for tonight at least, Washington was the most frustrated team, despite the 19 points they got out of Caron Butler. Portland was led by Martell Webster's 23 points, and they also got 17 rebounds out of Joel Przybilla. Holy wow, that's gotta be a fun name to run through the spell-checker. I hear some fans call him The Vanilla Gorilla. I wonder if he'd be interested in hunting down Spider-man for me...?
Comments
17 boards for Przybilla??
/shits pants
Ahhhhhhh, remember when you could smoke a cigar in your office?
Heat vs. Knicks tonight! I think the winner gets the NIT champ in their new +1 system.
I heard a big reason for the Pacers' loss was that David Harrison was "out" with "Mary Jane."
/wink
Can tomorrow's Closer be written by Vern Schillinger?
Perry White > J. Jonah Jameison
yeah I said it....
Joel Pryzbilla is the Vanilla Gorilla but I can't call Allen Iverson a "tough little monkey?"
/Billy Packer
"Because he's really an egomaniac, a neurotic trouble-maker flaunting his power before the ordinary citizens whom he despises!"
Mark Cuban?
C'mon now, everybody knows the Green Lantern (who currently plays for the Celtics) could open up a can of Raid on Spider-man.
The real libel here is that the Wiz/Blazers score was actually 102-82.
Sadly it reads like envision the New York Post newsroom would be like.
Bugle Bucks > Schrute Bucks ?
Ugh, Spiderman is far too wimpy to be a superhero.
@Hit Bull Win Steak: Great Ceasar's Ghost! That's blasphemy!
@HugsFromHarold:
Like The Post, but with facts & truth.
I thought the post was being written by Jenna Jameson.
Damn.
Until Matt McHale gets a buzz cut and begins the Daily Bugawful podcast, mmm.
@Triple B:
The last time that happened was probably against Northwestern, or maybe the Knicks.
@Gourmet Spud:
Gwen Stacey >>>>>>>>>>> Mary Jane.
Yeah, I said it. What of it?
@Triple B: Pryz had 26 two games ago against the Clips.
@BigTenObsession: black costume > red/blue costume > Pacers home jersey
got a problem with that?
@BigTenObsession:
Sure, if you like having sex with dead people.
@MattinglysSideburns: +1. I still can't believe the scariest Neo-Nazi in television history is also J. Jonah Jameson and Juno's daddy.
@Secret Identity: Didn't stop Norman Osborn.
Also, Everything > One More Day
@DeepFriar:
what are you, some sort of Venom-lover? I bet you enjoyed the few moments when Tony Stark wasn't Iron Man also.
Freak.
@BigTenObsession: @Dead Air ummm Dead Air:
To be clearer:
Comic book MJ > comic book Gwen
Bryce Dallas Howard Gwen >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Kirsten Dunst MJ
@Secret Identity:
Well, obviously. No one thought you were seriously making that pick.
@Dead Air ummm Dead Air: Ugh. That storyline does not exist.
@BigTenObsession: Let's leave Ghostface out of this.
Substitute "Hillary Clinton" for "J. Jonah Jameson" and "Barack Obama" for "Spider-Man".
/wonkette refugee
'Nuff said.
Nice. You get two No-Prizes ... one for the post, and one for the Puma reference. Now, when does Kraven the Hunter appear?
I just want to point out that daily comic strip version Spiderman (the only one I'm familiar with) is a loser.
[joshreads.com]
@Lunatic Fringe: yeah but unfortunately fewer pictures of scantily clad women.
Matt - I've had a bone to pick with you sir, for 2 days now, but kept forgetting to mention it because I was swept away by your fine Closers (kudos to you for that). But I finally wrote myself a little note to remember.
Your Worst Of The Night shtick is pretty good too, except for this one. Can a bad 4-game stretch by the Nuggets really convince you "that numbers can lie"? Or perhaps you don't understand what those numbers really mean? Just because Denver plays at a torrid pace doesn't mean they can't play defense. That's where the whole "per 100 possessions" comes into play.
Look at the other side of the argument. New Orleans, Dallas, and Detroit play at some of the slowest paces in the league, but that doesn't mean they don't know how to score, does it? Would you argue that the Hornets are having trouble scoring (answer: no)? One might counter by saying "But in 3 games between Jan 30th and Feb 4th they lost by a combined 34 points to Golden State, Sacramento, and Utah." Is that a valid argument? Doubtful.
On another note, where can I buy my "Chicago Fourth Quarter Collapses" jersey? I can't find them on sale anywhere!
PS -
/shits pants
/dick joke
/dick joke involving someone shitting their pants
@NovakAintNoJokovic: Here's my problem with the Denver defense. They're at their best when forcing turnovers and tricking teams into playing at their pace. However, if their opponent takes care of the ball and just waits for an open shot to develop, they can get it at will. Denver's opponents have shot 60 percent in three of the Nuggets' last four losses (which excludes the previously mentioned 4-game stretch, since Utah did it against them on March 8). And these aren't isolated incidents. Last month (February 22 to be exact), the Chicago Bulls - who are one of the worst scoring/shooting teams in the league - scored 135 points on 57 percent shooting against the Nuggets. And I could give you similar examples of crazy-high shooting percentages achieved by opposing teams this season if it came to it. So while the numbers my not "lie" exactly, they can be deceiving, particularly since many people (and I hope you're not one of them) want to wave the Defensive Efficiency Flag as Final Proof that Denver has a top 'o the league D. Well, I'm not convinced, and I'm not convinced because when teams show patience and discipline, they carve the Nuggets up. And this isn't just a numbers game. I've watched Denver play, and many times. I'm just not convinced that they're field goal defense would be even adequate against quality teams if they made the playoffs.
But here's hoping they do get in, if for no other reason than they'll have a chance to prove me wrong.
@Basketbawful: I hope you're not one of them
Oh no, I might be one of those people. In the interest of full disclosure, yes I am a numbers guy, without question. That said, I rarely believe one number can tell the entire story.
In this case, you're right that Denver's DefEff might not really reflect their defensive prowess. Their defensive shooting % is middle-of-the-road and the % of offensive rebounds they allow is deplorable. So what makes their DefEff in the top third of the league? Well, they do force a lot of turnovers (16.8/100 poss, good for 5th in the league), and they're pretty stingy about sending teams to the foul line (only about 1 FTA for every 5 FGA, good for 4th fewest). Sounds like they either force a turnover or give the opponent an easy look at the basket (or two or three), right?
So I think your assessment on how teams can "carve the Nuggets up" is right, and the numbers I mentioned do bear that out. Basically, their defensive is pretty similar to their offense: good when it's being opportunistic and forcing the tempo, not so good when they settle into the half-court game.
However, that's not the numbers lying. That's the reader only looking at one number, and not looking at it in context.
@NovakAintNoJokovic: "However, that's not the numbers lying. That's the reader only looking at one number, and not looking at it in context."
True enough. You know what they say: Figures lie and liars figure. (Okay, "they" are my grandparents, but still.) The sad part of all the new advanced basketball statistics is that many people are using them the same way they used the old-school stats: Just throwing them out there and saying, "See? Point proven."
Every number is a puzzle piece, but you've got to put them together.
@Basketbawful: Believe me, I know. My day job is as a statistician.
Totally agree about the misuse of statistics. At the risk of sounding cliched, if you know they can be misused, don't let yourself become just another statistic.
And uh, keep on truckin.
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