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The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer.
I realize that Buffalo accepts crushing disappointment as a societal norm, like paralyzing snowfall totals and permanent wing sauce stains. But last night's third-period collapse against Ottawa — a 6-3 "definition of a joke" whose box score will be etched on the Sabres' tombstone for the '07-08 season — made Syracuse's choke in the NIT against UMass seem like a quaint, acceptable folly by comparison.
Buffalo's wasn't the only choke-job last night, but the Sabres were the only suffocating ninnies with a goalie who "looked like a shell-shocked turtle without protection."
Ryan Miller might be handy with a "Yo Momma" joke, but he played like absolute dog shit while the Senators stormed back from a 3-1 deficit with five unanswered goals in the third period. His slow reaction to Daniel Alfredsson's game-tying goal made it appear he had become unstuck in time. He gave up the game-winning goal to Anton Volchenkov, a noted offensive juggernaut who scored his first regular-season goal since Feb. 27, 2007.
Looking at their remaining schedule,and five points out of the playoffs, the Sabres are probably done. Is there still hope? Sure, according to the awesomely titled blog Hitler Loves You but I Never Will and its equally awesomely titled post, "Ryan Miller, I would still show you my boobs": "...Beautiful demi-gods of Buffalo, for the sake of your fans, please spend less time on Chippewa drinking Goose and Tonics at the Bayou and a little more time concentrating on what you were brought to our sad little city to do."
Get This Dude Some Gatorade. Nashville shut out the Blue Jackets, 3-0, to move within two points of the final Campbell Conference playoff spot. Goalie Dan Ellis was already one of the better stories of the season before the game; his legend grew last night, as he nearly passed out from dehydration in the second period and dropped 13 pounds during the game. That was certainly the medical miracle of the night...well, until Jordin Tootoo gave birth to a baby Jason Chimera.
I Miss Ties, For Games Between Teams I Hate. Good things happen for others when Sean Avery does something stupid. He was out of position for Danny Briere's game-tying goal in the third period, and then his idiotic, blind cross-ice pass in overtime sparked a Flyers' breakout that led to Mike Richards's game-winner, 2-1. Richards called it a "garbage goal," which is an insult to at least 600 of Dave Andreychuk's career tallies. Oh, and it gets better for the Rangers: The Daily News reports that the "upper body injury" for Scott Gomez might actually be torn cartilage in his rib cage. Which I'm sure sounds worse than it is. Here's a photo from last night's game I borrowed from Fleshbot:
In Other Life-Altering Action Last Night. Calgary had a huge comeback win over Vancouver, 3-2; much like Elisha Cuthbert, the Canucks were Phaneuf'd. The Flames move into first place over the Wild, and one of these teams is going to seriously fuck up the awesome potential Dallas/Anaheim first-rounder. ... The Devils got hosed in their 2-0 loss to Pittsburgh (who clinched a playoff spot) last night, as a goal was disallowed even though Arron Asham was pushed into Marc-Andre Fleury by a Penguins defenseman. That sent Brent Sutter into a stick-pounding tirade against the refs, because he knows as we know that the Devils couldn't score right now if their opponents played blindfolded with an empty net. ... Viktor Kozlov is second all-time in shootout scoring, which comes in handy when the Capitals needed the extra point they earned in a 3-2 win in Carolina last night but has the historical significance of being second all-time on "Dance Dance Revolution." Sixty-one goals for Ovechkin, making him first in Washington's single-season scoring and in the hearts of Russian blondes on the Internet. ... I'm beginning to believe we are in the final stages of "Operation: Cock-Tease" thanks to Boston. And Florida's now five points off the pace in the East after losing to Tampa, 3-1. The Panthers held a contest to name the Stephen Weiss/Nathan Horton/David Booth line; the winner was "Sunrise Express," which sounds like either a musical involving roller skates or a juice that makes you shit.
Puck Headlines
* They're already writing "Will Scott Niedermayer return next season?" stories. Sheesh. [Welcome to The OC Register, Bitch]
* Coming to a Canadian television near you: "The Don Cherry Story." There's really only one actor for this role, and her name is Cate Blanchett. [The Star]
* Fun with NHL press releases. I got my start in PR, but I got tired of coming home with bullshit on my breath. [The FanHouse]
* Finally, on this busy morning, don't forget to cast your vote in the KB's "Best NHL Hit of All-Time" finals. And with that, the NHL Closer officially endorses this Scotty Stevens Stanley Cup Finals classic:
Comments
If Andrew Raycroft doesn't start all of the Leafs' remaining games, I am going to be super pissed.
I realize that Buffalo accepts crushing disappointment as a societal norm
Wait... it's not?
Fuck you very much.
If Andrew Tankcroft doesn't start all of the Leafs' remaining games, I am going to be super pissed.
/fixed.
Hey you know who didn't suck last night? The Bruins. Just puttin' that out there.
Would've been nice to get the two vs. the Crapitols last night and "clinch" that thing.
No mention of the crazy 3rd period in the Sharks game last night?
Sharks were down 3-0 with 16 minutes to go in the game...Sharks get 2 goals in less than a minute.
Coyotes then score a quick goal.
4-3 with 12 minutes to go.
Sharks get a goal even strength with about 2 minutes to go to tie.
Coyotes then win in OT.
Sharks still have not lost in regulation since the middle of Feb.
"I don't need puck bunnies in the NHL Closer! I'm a man's man!" -- Wyshynski
A-rod'd
@madktdisease: Agreed. I did a radio spot on Hardcore Sports last night in which I made the bold prediction that Timmy Thomas could be this year's playoff goalie that shocks the world.
And it's already been well-established here that I'm a Milan Lucic mark.
Dan Ellis...dropped 13 pounds during the game.
Big deal. Mangino drops 15 every day after lunch.
@Glossina Glossinidae: Sometimes, I depend on the kindness of my readers to fill in the blanks...but yes, a great win for a Phoenix team whose bed shitting over the last few weeks killed their playoff hopes.
Anyone wanna take a stab at the Wings/Blues game I ignored? Brad Lee? Yostel?
@Wyshynski: and what would shock the world more than, I don't know, ONE win against the Habs?
I find myself rooting for the B's as long as it keeps them in Montreal's sights.
I like that bloodless birthing pic. Ladies take note, you can give birth, and not miss any time at your evening job.
@Wyshynski: If I had a trapper keeper, it would have a picture of Milan with hearts around it.
Slava Kozlov has never been the same since that hit by Stevens...
I'd give two years of my life to get in the middle of that Scottie Hartnell-Petr Prucha pileup.
That's Hobie Baker Award-winner from Michigan State University Ryan Miller, thank you.
I've seen the script for the Don Cherry movie. It's just a series of random, half-completed sentences. And it's in All Caps.
@Clare:
Unlucky for you, they're both uninterested in women.
As a fan of both Buffalo and Syracuse.....
....yeah, I have no further words except for EPIC. FAIL.
@BigTenObsession:
It's Hobey.
But actually, if I was a Big Ten fan, I'd be more proud of Mike Komisarek, he of the Michigan persuasion.
Anyone also notive on the vid that Bill Clement incorrectly identifies him as Viktor instead of Slava? I mean, it is only a Stanley Cup and the guys ain't related...
Slava was also the USSR Rookie of the Year in 89/90. That Steven's hit really did de-rail him.
@Gourmet Spud: I would prefer 2 hours of Grapes and MacLean driving around in a van solving mysteries.
Tee Times, get yer Tee Times here. That is, of course, if you could play golf in Buffalo in April.
Every day it becomes more likely the Penguins will face the Flyers in the first round, which should be pretty great given that the two teams end the season with a home-and-home and familiarity breeding contempt and all that.
The name Tootoo makes me giggle. Like the word "titmouse."
Lesson 1 On What It Feels Like To Be A Buffalo Sabres Fan:
1. Extend hand out in front of you like you're waiting for something to be put in your hand.
2. Take hand, and smack yourself in the forehead with your open (or closed if a really bad loss) palm.
3. REPEAT
@MattinglysSideburns:
I think you're on to something. It could be called "Blue's Clues".
I'll go and see if that name has been trademarked...
Tootoo is Oglethorpe...Oglethorpe is Tootoo
@Wyshynski: I can't comment on the game you mentioned, but as I reader, I can link to the pensblog - if only for the totally random "Ghost Writer" reference...
[thepensblog.blogspot.com]
At last night's Flyers-Rangers game, a lemon party broke out.
@Clare: I never had you pegged as a puck bunny!
@Afino:
Also, gain forty pounds on a steady diet of Anchor Bar take-out.
One more thing:
8 Colorado Avalanche 77 40 31 6 86 210 204 24-12-2 16-19-4 5-5-0
-----------
^^ Teams above the line make the playoffs.
9 Nashville Predators 77 38 31 8 84 220 220 22-14-4 16-17-4 4-6-0
Please try again. You're still two back.
@Gourmet Spud: I understand the Cherry film is already generating Oscar buzz for best costume design.
@Afino:
4) Win Presidents trophy in 07 and assume Stanley Cup is automatic?
/just saying after dealing with Sabres fans when they played the Islanders first round last year.
@PenskeMaterial: That's not Oscar buzz, that's your retinas vibrating.
@MattinglysSideburns:
Much like Scooby-Doo, the bad guy would always be the one with the foreign accent.
@crazyjoedavola:
Instead, we're the 3rd team in NHL history to win the Prez and miss the playoffs the next year!
Dave Andreychuk would have scored in the last two minutes of last night's game.
Soooo much loose puck in front of Monsiuer Whitepads.
@MattinglysSideburns:
MacLean: "So, who do you think's behind this caper, Grapes?"
Cheery: "EUROS, SHAGGY! VISOR-WEARIN' EUROS!"
@Afino: At least your team can score a few goals once in a while. And keep a semblance of a team healthy.
@Afino:
On some level, I knew that, yet spelled it incorrectly anyway. As for the other, being a Spartan I cannot in good conscience be proud of any Wolverine.
@crazyjoedavola:
We started 3 guys who were in the AHL on D last week, and it was to the point where the Sabres were ready to stick their leading scorer back on D just to help.
Also, Tim Connolly is the Mike Hampton of the NHL. Best part about it, where did we get him from? The Islanders. Guess it proves your point even more.....something in the Island water...
I was listening to WGR 55 on the way in to work this morning and Mike Robitaille said Buffalo lost because "Ottawa grabbed the bull by the corns."
Can someone please tell me where the corns are on a bull? Is there a veterinarian in the house?
@Wyshynski: JoHans and Franzen?
@The Curse of Harold Ballard's Bunker:
Only if it's your bull.
@kayceebk: See, I don't know. I haven't seen the Penguins play such good positional defensive hockey since the Kevin Constantine Reign of Terror. I think they had most of the great rebounds cleared away, or had the Devils boxed out. And Fleury had much better rebound control.
@Chamomiles Davis: What girl doesn't want to be the filling in a hot hockey player sandwich?