Deadspin
As an American hockey writer, the language barrier hinders both ease and access with Russian players in the NHL. So it sometimes falls to the Russian sports media to ask the goofy-ass questions we'd rather be asking someone like Capitals star Alexander Ovechkin, such as "What smells do you like?" and "Is it possible to play hockey on Mars?" Luckily, the boys (and girl) at On Frozen Blog know someone who can translate.
OFB turned to their buddy Dmitry Chesnokov of SovetskySport to make SovSports' wacky interview with Ovechkin more palatable to English-speaking fans. Some choice cuts:
Q. When will Sidney Crosby score 50 goals in a season?
OVECHKIN: Maybe tomorrow! The guy is extremely talented. He could pick up a video game console, pick Pittsburgh as his team, and score 50 goals in one gaming session.
Q. Is it possible to score a goal with a head in hockey?
OVECHKIN: It is doable. But you shouldn't try - because you can injure yourself very seriously, so that you won't even realize whether it was you who scored the goal, maybe you won't even remember your own name. You use your head to think. And also, as boxers say, you use it to eat.
Q. What smells do you like, and what smells you can't stand?
OVECHKIN: I can't stand bad breath. And I love how my girlfriend smells.
Q. Is it possible to play hockey on Mars?
OVECHKIN: Why not? There are open air games in the NHL already. Although we might have to make a window in the schedule a little longer - it might take a while to get to Mars.
Q. What would you say to President George W. Bush if you saw met him on the lawn in front of the White House?
OVECHKIN: "What's up, dude? How's life?" And let him pretend that he doesn't know who I am.
Pimp. A few years ago, it was commonplace to call Ovechkin the Magic to Sidney Crosby's Larry Bird. As their personas have developed on and off the ice, a more appropriate comparison would be that Ovechkin's the Jagger to Sidney's McCartney. Which would make Mario the Lennon, and Viktor Kozlov the Charlie Watts, I suppose.
Alexander Ovechkin, Stand-Up Comedian [On Frozen Blog]
Photo from an aces collection of Ovie photos on Flickr.
Comments
And let him pretend that he doesn't know who I am.
In a perfect world, Ovechkin would be bigger than Gilbert Arenas. In a perfect world.
Q. Is it possible to play hockey on Mars?
OVECHKIN: Why not?
Now, this is the plan. Get your ass to Mars.
/Ahnold
The Han Solo to his Luke Skywalker.
Glad to see he accounted for the required travel to Mars.
Ovechkin and Ichiro could be the stars of the greatest buddy film and/or buddy cop film ever made.
He may like the way his girl smells, but as shown in the pic, he doesn't like the way she tastes.
Alexander Ovechkin, vii s'mesto goryachevo Budweiserevo.
The guy is extremely talented. He could pick up a video game console, pick Pittsburgh as his team, and score 50 goals in one gaming session.
Not as impressive as winning a season in both baseball and football in Bo Jackson's 2-in-1 Sports for Gameboy - and I did it when I was 11! Take THAT Sidney!
Wake me when Niklas Backstrom starts snorting his father's ashes.
I find that to truly get inside the mind of Ovechkin, you have to immerse yourself in his cave paintings.
@Paul Zuvella: +1 - this needs to happen, like, yesterday.
Ovechkin is Earl Campbell, Crosby is Tony Dorsett. One runs over you, one goes around you. Both are making hockey a lot of fun to watch when your own team isnt playing.
/Yes I am that old.
He still makes more sense than those goofs in congress!
This is still the best ovechkin thing:
+ Watch video
party like american movie
@Stev D: That is hilarious! I would also like to hear your take on airplane food!
George Parros is obviously the NHL's Carlos Dengler.
@shea_guevara: What just happened? I came back from a meeting a Rick Reilly was sitting at my desk.
Mr. Ovechkin, sir, you're kind of awesome. That is all.
You use your head to think. And also, as boxers say, you use it to eat.
You also use it to eat thoughts.
/Professor X'd
@Stev D:
Heh heh. How does it keep up with the news like that?
Ovechkin's the Jagger to Sidney's McCartney. Which would make Mario the Lennon, and Viktor Kozlov the Charlie Watts, I suppose.
Ovechkin'd? Otherwise, you just broke my brain.
In Soviet Russia party throw you.
Also: Fuck your yankee blue jeans.
@Agamemnon Busmalis: BERSEEERKER!!!
@kayceebk: On Monday morning/afternoon I was watching Clerks while you guys were discussing Kevin Smith, Clerks, etc. in the morning's NHL Closer. I saw the comments later that day. True story.
Cosmic eh?
Colby Armstrong is the Pete Best?
@Agamemnon Busmalis: Not so much cosmic as good timing.
@Le Légende de Vincent Tremblay: Alexei Morozov is Pete Best.
Brooks Orpik = Ringo.
There's no better sports town than DC right now, with Ovechkin, Arenas, Stevenson vs. LeBron, and Portis.
Unless, you know, you want the teams to win something meaningful.
There is no God but God, and Ovechkin is his Prophet.
Alexander Ovechkin, Peace be upon him.
What does that make Malkin? I think he is whatever character Jeremy Miller was to Kirk Cameron's Jason Seaver.
Alexander Semin can be boner.
Wouldn't Mario fit the analogy better if he were Ed Sullivan?
/overthinking this
"a more appropriate comparison would be that Ovechkin's the Jagger to Sidney's McCartney. Which would make Mario the Lennon, and Viktor Kozlov the Charlie Watts, I suppose."
That, sir, is funny.
Refreshing to hear a superstar not just throw out cliches, eh?
Thanks for the link-love.
All I have for that is: epic.
I'd like to see an all-savior team. Carey Price in net, Crosby, Ovechkin, Malkin, Kane, Backstrom, Cogliano, Phaneuf, throw in Stamkos for good measure.
@blackheartededitor: Awesome analogy.
Q. Is it possible to play hockey on Mars?
OVECHKIN: Why not?
How long before one of our genius congressmen read this, mistakes Ovechkin for a Russian spy and calls for a Congressional hearing on the Soviets quest for domination of Mars?
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