Cubs Still Somehow Manage To Fukudome Themselves

It all looked good for the Cubs, thanks to the mighty bat of Kosuke Fukudome, who went 3-for-3 with the game-tying home run off the hairy useless mess that now inhabits former lights-out closer Eric Gagne. But the Cubs still lost to the Milwaukee Brewers 4-3 in 10 innings. Bobby Howry gave up a sacrifice fly in the 10th that sealed the Cubs fate and kickstarted their 100-year anniversary of ineptitude on just the right note.

Perhaps even more troubling than the loss, was Kerry Wood's three-run ninth-inning barf as the Cubbies' new closer. Lou Piniella still maintains an aura of positivity, even though more games like this will surely result in dust-kicking temper tantrums or more desperate motivational techniques.

• Tom Gordon should just be vanquished to a small island and forced to eat himself. Brett Myers gave himself a mohawk and pitched like a number one starter for a few innings, then the inevitable 5th inning fade happened again and the Phillies were forced to go bull-penning. Ryan Madson gave up a couple, the Phillies tied it in the 8th, but then Flash came out turd-tossing in the 9th that led to a Washington Nationals offensive volcano. Final score: 11-6. Once again the Phillies start off with major concerns about their pitching staff, and the nagging feeling that the first part of the season will be absolutely horrible. Wake me when it's June.

• The Bastard Mets quest to forget about 2007 . Even worse for the Phillies, the Mets trotted out prized pig Johan Santana, who pitched seven strong innings and officially scared the brown stuff out of all National League contenders. David Wright popped a double in the fourth inning which provided more than enough runs to defeat the Florida Marlins. The one bright spot for Florida? Those lovable Manatees, who jiggled their way into the hearts of thousands of Miami women who like their dancing men rotund and smelling of cased meats.

• Speaking of fat guys...C.C. Sabathia looked bad in what may very well be his final opening day start as a Cleveland Screaming Native American. Lucky for him, Mark Buehrle was just wretched, giving up seven runs in a little less than two innings of work, putting his White Sox in a 7-2 hole early. But they rallied back and tied it up just long enough to make it interesting. Casey Blake spoiled the intrigue in the 8th with a three-run double which was enough to kill the Sox and illicit a litany of vile Venezuelan expletives from Ozzie Guillen.

• Uh oh, better get Safeco Making his Mariners debut, Erik Bedard threw approximately 435 pitches in just five innings but still managed to stifle the offensively incontinent Texas Rangers. Kevin Millwood gave up five runs, got the loss and is still wondering how the hell he once won 18 games for the Braves.