Deadspin
We don't know much about golf, but we do know that The Masters Are Important. Therefore, with the Big Golf Tournament That Doesn't Like Ladies teeing off tomorrow, we asked resident golf impresario Shane Bacon, of Dogs That Chase Cars, to preview it for us. So here goes.
Ponder this when musing over the upcoming Masters tournament, the first major and best golf weekend of the year: Is Tiger Woods the best in the world at what he does?
Think about that guy at your office that always overachieves, getting to work 20 minutes before you and buying that nice bottle of wine for the boss weeks before his wedding in Mexico (I hate you Tres). Is that guy better at his job than Tiger is at golf? There isn't a virgin's chance in Vegas.
Golf is a wind down sport, something people do to get away from their jobs, lives or spouses. It is a special sport that people can do when drinking, something Terrell Owens or David Wells Alex Rodriguez could never say about their profession. With the Masters, the perfect storm arises — a wind down sport happening at the perfect wind down time. After the two weeks of March Madness that pretty much has every sports fan in the nation wound up like a Joakim Noah dance, you get the splendor and peacefulness of an Augusta National golf tournament that defines serenity even down to the theme music that accompanies it.
Along with all the corny stuff I just wrote, you get a badass golf course with badass golfers. You have previous winners of Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods, but you also eat Champions Dinner with Fuzzy Zoeller, Seve Ballesteros and Freddie Couples. No matter what the fools that head Augusta do to the masterpiece, it still comes down to a back nine Sunday charge (ask Phil) or collapse (ask Norman, twice).
This year at the Masters is something special, with Tiger Woods nearing the "number one seed playing a 16 seed" status in the golf world, an area nobody has ever come close to first-pumping. When Tiger is in the field, everyone, and I mean everyone, knows if he doesn't win, he's going to be close. The guy is in a zone never seen by athletes, a place that is touched at times (see Federer, Roger) but seldom controlled. Tiger seems so comfortable at the top of the golf world that you'd almost expect him to be an average Joe Durant, making his millions while still finding privacy eating Baby Back Ribs at Chilis.
Fans have come to expect Tiger to do the unreal literally every week. The guy has found the perfect equation for professional golf: Ivy League smarts, Fortune 500 business sense, linebacker body, auditor work ethic and Buddhist-like comprehension equals success.
Starting Thursday, Tiger will have to bring all those to the table to beat the likes of Schmickelson, Geoff Ogilvy and Adam Scott. The talent of the field means anyone, and Zach Johnson means anyone, can take home a title any random week. Andy North (always a voice of reason) said Wednesday that he believed half the field in a major had no chance of winning, which I find in this day and age ridiculous. For example, find me ten people in this country that had Ben Curtis at the top of their 2003 British Open Office Pool and I'll have Will get a Bill Self tattoo.
This week should be special, and not just because it's a tradition like no other. You have a clear favorite in Tiger, which means a top notch golfer like Vijay Singh or Angel Cabrera could sneak out of the pack and take this thing right under El Tigre's nose. Will the pressure ever get to Tiger? Can he always rise to the occasion when needed? How smart was he to marry a wife with a replacement twin if need be? If Tiger wins on Sunday, gushing adjectives might need a vacation come Tuesday.
(Oh, and I'm picking Geoff Ogilvy and I don't think I've ever picked a winner correct in my life. Sorry Geoff.)
Comments
Barack Obama golfs?
Golf! It's like disc golf but different!
It is a special sport that people can do when drinking, something Terrell Owens or Alex Rodriguez could never say about their profession.
Unless of course that drink happens to be semen.
@hector villanueva's posse: I think you're confused. That's clearly Martin Lawrence.
Golf is a wind down sport
Unless you're down wind from Craig Stadler.
@hector villanueva's posse:
No but Martin Lawrence does.
The Masters and the start of playoff hockey in the same week. I love April.
So you my massa now? I'm countin these rocks biatch... one, two, fo, five
This review could have said, "Tiger will probably win" and I would have thought it to be an extremely well written review with a lot of insight.
@Doug Llewelyn, Court Reporter: What I mean by that, is that his entire body smells like a sweaty fucking taint.
Just wanted to clarify.
I would pick Padraig Harrington to win it all, but I'm pretty sure Augusta still bans the Irish.
Next week on the PGA Closer:
More Beloved By Hooters: Roy Williams or John Daly?
Oh goody, time to take a nap with the dulcet tones of Jim Nantz.
@DeepFriar: Neither. It's Mr. B.
The best part will be when Phil's publicist releases a story about how he didn't want anyone to know about how he gave that retarded boy that novelty giant check there on the 18th green.
@DeepFriar:
Man who signs/massages tits vs. man who gets his tits massaged......
gonna be a tough call
I hope someone replaces Sergio Garcia's ball with one of those trick, exploding golf balls. But instead of the ball exploding, Sergio does.
Seriously, I took:
1. Goosen to win.
2. J.B. Holmes as top rookie.
3. The over in how many pimento cheese sandwiches Phil eats. It's currently at 14.
@Gourmet Spud: Harrington's my bet, solely to try to make some cash. I think it's Tiger's to lose though.
ESPN and Tirico at Augusta covering the Thursday and Friday rounds - this week has probably been heaven for the female employees in Bristol.
Augusta in April in HD.
I hate the pretension of golf most of the time, but how can you get mad at a tournament that historical, and also has the good sense to forbid Chris Berman from working there.
I give them a +2, then subtract 1 for the whole negro and women thing.
Golf courses make you wear collard shirts but don't serve collard greens?
@Gourmet Spud: #3 is the best lock of the weekend, including Tiger for the win.
The bets have been placed on the Masters and not one dollar Tiger. No value in betting on Tiger.
Retief Goosen at 28-1 is a good bet.
@crazyjoedavola: What's the over on visible pollen in HD? 300 million per hour?
-Loves the South, especially in Fall and Winter
The sensation he gets during the Masters is the closest Jim Nantz will ever be to feeling the effects of being under the influence of an opiate.
@crazyjoedavola: Augusta in April in HD.
@Weed Against Speed: Jim Nantz IS an opiate.
@the earl of weaver: Don't anyone mess with Sergio's balls.
Am I the only one who gets angry every time I watch an episode of mad Men on AMC? Drinking used to be required at work. What the hell happened to our country?
@Texas Gal:
Don't you mean cojones?
@David Hume: Huh.
I love golf, think Augusta is the tits, and respect the hell out of Tiger.
But I would fucking love for someone to smuggle an airhorn in and let that fucker rip in the middle of Tiger's backswing on 13, on Sunday, 1 back to, say, Justin Rose.
@EditorOfTheDailyFaberian: It brings tears to my eyes. Drinking heavily, smoking and sexism were rampant. The early 1960's were a better time.
@crazyjoedavola: Don't forget Gary McCord also. God bless Hootie, he hates loudmouth sportscasters as much as he hates feminists.
I wonder what Zach Johnson served at the Champions Dinner? Whatever was on the menu, I'm sure there was plenty of white bread on the table.
"Rock, Chalk, Green Jacket."
Tiger is standing on the fairway of the 1st hole and his ego is touching the green of the 18th
I wish my name was Shane Bacon...or Arthur Sausage.
@Detective Bunk: And JFK in the White House...sounds good to me. Who's got the Wayback machine?
@Detective Bunk: Basically, that show represents what I would consider an ideal working environment.
I may be a little green at this, but it there a fairway to start?
I like to think that I am the Tiger Woods of masturbation. Nobody does it better than me, but, then again, it's my own junk so shouldn't I be the best?
I took Michelle Wie at 10000000 to 1.
@JoeyBellesGPS: You will want to take again 30 minutes later...
but Stanford isn't not in the Ivy League!
/east coast snob
Prediction: Craig Stadler is going to win.
This is all just too confusing.
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