Deadspin
We turned exactly 32-and-a-half yesterday, and that got us to thinking about how we should celebrate our 33rd birthday, because we are not one of those people who are bashful about birthdays. Karaoke party? Chevy's fiesta? Ritualistic human sacrifice? We decided to just listen to Tampa Bay Devil Rays setup man (and onetime Cardinals savior) Al Reyes, and have someone tase the shit out of us on our special day.
That's what Reyes did last night/this morning for his 38th, and it worked out right well for him.
Apparently Al was in Hyde Park Cafe when he fell against a ceramic pot. Thinking someone randomly pushed him, Al started "exchanging" words with a gentlemen. We don't know what was said, but the guy ended up punching Al in the face. Police say Al "began to spit blood on the people in the area and began to swing his arms about." The bar's bouncers were trying to control Reyes, but Al wasn't having any of it as he continued to spit blood and swing his arms around.
After not being able to calm him down Police tased him, knocking him to the floor, but that didn't stop Reyes. He refused Police commands to stay down, got up, and was tased a second time. Reyes was eventually calmed down and treated for a cut on his nose. Al was charged with affray; Mora was charged with battery. Both were released on their own recognizance.
This is yet another example of the instigating, provoking nature of clay pottery. There you are, just minding your own business, and next thing you know, what started with a simple disagreement with a ceramic pot ends with you spitting blood and being tased by police. (Twice.) Happy 38th birthday, Al!
Happy Birthday Al Reyes/Don't Tase Me Bro [Rays Anatomy]
Comments
Don't tase me bro
Fear not: Karabell will have the fantasy spin on his Insider blog by 10:00 am.
Real men get tased more than once.
Al Reyes is a real man.
@Stay Away From Oprah: Yeah, you may want to stay away. Apparently, Reyes was hit pretty hard in his last outing.
Spitting and flailing his arms around, apparantly Al learned nothing from his year playing with Elijah Dukes...
Al Reyes was safe on that slide into home!!!!!
Will, can I recommend ritual sacrifice? Specifically of Dan Le Batard? Guaranteed good times.
The only time I was as offended by clay pottery was when an old girlfriend made me watch Ghost with her.
I learned a new word today! 'affray' Thanks, Al Reyes!
I've been to Hyde Park Cafe...those pots are a bit mouthy.
I'd expect this out of other Rays pitchers, but Al Reyes? I'm stunned.
Don't be pullin out the porcelain unless you plan to BANG, son!
began to swing his arms about
...and if you get hit...it's your OWNNNNN fault.
@Weed Against Speed: Everyone not named Swayze who was involved with that movie needs to jump into a fire.
Pot is a gateway ceramic.
For my 38th, I attached jumpers cables to my balls. Nothing on the other end. Just felt like doing it.
Don't judge me.
And who says birthdays don't matter after 30???
"he continued to spit blood and swing his arms around."
So he was pretending to be the boss from Ninja Gaiden II?
My birthday is on Monday and I've finally reached the age where I just don't care that it's my birthday. My friends asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday and I was like, "I don't care." Turning another year older only reminds me of all the shit I still haven't accomplished in my life.
I wouldn't turn down a day of shoe shopping in Manhattan and an expensive dinner, though.
Ya know, if he was spitting green mist instead of blood, he would've been booked only on doing a terrible Great Muta impression.
Isiah signed the ceramic pot to 5 year $30 million contract. He likes the way it bangs underneath.
@UkraineNotWeak: For my 28th, I blew out 1 candle on the cupcake in front of me at Applebees. After, I went home, watched Blade II, had a couple bud lights and fell asleep on the couch. BUT! Just before all that awesomeness happened, I plotted how much better my life will be now that I'm 28.
(Slams face against wall.)
I thought you gave pottery for the 40th birthday?
@Clare:
Turn 45 a week from Monday. Means the next day, I'm closer to 50 than 40.
You should see what happened to the fern when it brushed against Reyes's shoulder.
Dman you, Color Me Mine!
That's what you get for Reyesin' hell, Al.
/drum beat followed by single cymbal crash
In his defense, he had just watched Fight Club and was trying to get Lou to let them keep the place.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!
You swingin' yo arms and spittin blood, dawg.
Inanimate object 1
Reyes 0
@UkraineNotWeak:
Aren't you a little old to still be blogging and posting on blogs from your parents' basement?
@Clare: i'f you're 30 and haven't snorted Pixy Stix dust yet, well I just feel bad for you
Don't do karaoke...I did that on my last birthday and got booed off the stage. Apparently people in a midwestern state don't like it when someone sings New York, New York.
@Afino: No, this guy is a real man.
@Clare: My wife or my mom will ask me what I want for my birthday, and it sounds so ridiculous to my ears now. What do I want for my birthday? I'm 30, I'm married, and I have a kid. I'm not allowed to have birthdays anymore.
@Afino:
Considering that both my parents are deceased, yes.
@DeepFriar: Psshh...if she's 30 and hasn't downed pop rocks and drank diet Coke at the same time she hasn't lived.
Where was the inanimate carbon rod during all this?
@UkraineNotWeak:
I wasn't trying to be a jerk.
@shea_guevara: I'm still forced to have birthdays because my family wants to make a show of it for my grandparents. Personally, I'd be happy just curling up to a bottle of Jameson.
Two tasings? That is one tough out. - Suggested ESPN comment
Will if you are looking for a memorable birthday might I suggest waking up on the floor of a bar bathroom at 3am. There really is nothing quite like it... or uh, so I've been told. WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?!?!?!
@shea_guevara: I know, right? My mom and my aunt keep asking me what I want and I'm like, "I don't know! I'm too old for you to ask me what I want for my birthday!"
Every year, I swear to myself I'm not going to make a big deal about my birthday, I'm not going to say anything about it, I'm going to have some dignity about it, and yet every year I make a big deal about it.
I get the same gift from my parents every year for my birthday. A carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes.
P.S. If you can remember this reference, you get +100.
Well my birthday is today (took the day off from work because I'd rather be happy than at work) and I plan on the weekend-long party.
Not so much because I feel the need to party for my birthday but because my friends need an excuse to give their girlfriends and wives so they can get the fuck out of the house this weekend.
Josh Booty approves of the multiple tasings.
@Moobs:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
@Mayor McRib: Smoke 'em up, Johnny!
(Am I right?)
@Moobs: Happy Birthday to you.
@Mayor McRib:
I want to say Breakfast Club.
@Mayor McRib: But wasn't it from the old man and not the parents?
Al should've waited two weeks to meet a team with a shot at a title.
you can't believe these police reports. but fear not... the truth will come out. like my cousin steven after he went to music college.
"Why is that door closed? WHY IS THAT DOOR CLOSED? "
It was actually from when David Letterman was pertinent and funny.