Deadspin
Here's a pretty amusing video unearthed by the kids at Fan IQ, which features Max Kellerman, ex of just about every sports channel in every capacity, in his pre-WWL days doing his best 3rd Bass impersonation with his late brother Sam. (Sam, sadly, was viciously murdered back in '04. Gorgeous story by Gary Smith about that whole thing right here.)
The hip-hop duo of "Sam & Max" was once a part of Ruffhouse/Columbia record label. Ruffhouse, as those of you in the 610/215 may know, was once headquartered in Conshohocken. (I actually interned there one summer and did many exciting things: I stood in a parking lot spot for 20 minutes to hold it for Spearhead, dropped off laundry for Dishwalla, bought 40 cans of Redi-Whip for Ugly Kid Joe and, most memorably, smoked a blunt with DJ Muggs from Cypress Hill and lost my mind. College ruled.)
Anyway, back to Max. His rhyme skills are you know, pretty much what you'd expect from a a guy who looks like he's got a very expensive beard trimmer and an expansive collection of gold chain-over-turtleneck wardrobe combinations. One of Max's memorable rhymes:
• "Hit your man with a hook, don't jab it/I'll beat you with my left hand, just like Jim Abbott"
That's a good one. Let's think of some better, more patently offensive rhyme boasts featuring athletes. Here are mine:
• "Get you in the backseat of my pimped out Plymouth Reliant/I'll blast it on your face, just like my boy Kobe Bryant"
• " I'll roundhouse right ya, knock off your stupid lid /Make your head blow up, the size of TJ Kidd's"
• " I'll crap on your face, a big, brown deuce-ski/ it'll make you have a massive stroke, just like Tedy Bruschi"
Comments
"When it comes to bananas, I always choose Dole/I'll vomit on you during coitus like Ashley Cole."
Brilliant tag job, AJ
Each and every night I give it to my hos.
I clang it off the rim like my name is Derek Rose.
Sam Kellerman is the white Tupac.
Sidenote: The producer who did their beat must be soooo pissed it was wasted on House of Lame instead of House of Pain or an actual talented duo.
I fly high like an American Idol
You fly at the level of my boy Cory Lidle
Even when the haters say my lyrics are shoddy
It still makes me more famous, like Jay Mariotti
"Sam & Max," huh?
Was their music played over the loudspeakers on the Cone of Tragedy?
Had never seen this before, but...
this...
is...
off...
the...
left hook!!!!!!
"I'll beat your ass behind the tool shed/Then use my hammer to explode your head."
No?
I made it though the 1st heat, that's why they call me blit meat
My rhymes are so slick all the ladies want to friend me
Gettin' all up in them like Graham James and Sheldon Kennedy
Marques Slocum was high flyin/that's why he had the fuck lion
Marques Slocum's moves were high flyin / just like the fuck lion
Ahhhhh! Nibbles got me
"Splooge on your face, make it nice & gooey/Then I'll fissure your anus like Kaz Matsui".
/I don't write rhymes, I write checks.
/I write neither.
Your lyrics make no sense like they was spit by Emmitt Smith
Your Moises Alou's hands and I've got to take a piss
Ah the simile. Scores very high on the LRI (Lazy Rapper Index)
The girls I like are all underage
I learned from my homeboy Woody Paige
Sam and Max? Weren't they on the American Idol Results show last night?
@Gourmet Spud: Nicely done.
This band ain't got shit on "Chris Berman and the Jug-Band All-Stars"
K-Fed is soooo stealing these.
Get in my tub and drop a dos-ee / I want it brown just like Osi.
Sit back down, son, I'm everything you're not
I'm looking right past you like my name was Stuart Scott
"I'm alone at the top and you're somewhere in the middle/You get hit on and run like I was Leonard Little."
My words come at ya like a lyrical melee
They get ya lost at sea like Bison Dele
@Gourmet Spud: +1
Like A-Rod, I try to steal you wife
Like Paul Pierce, I'll stab you with a knife.
/tragically white dude
"I'm da maddest balla in dis whole damn sport; known for droppin dueces like Najeh Davenport"
I'm ignoring your stuff because it couldn't be blander
You're a weekend editor and I'm Rick Chandler
@preciousroy: Oops. Should have read all of Aj's rhymes before posting.
Spud just got signed to a record deal
I clicked the link yesterday to approve Barkley
Cuz he's outspoken, he's smart, O AN HE SEXY
I keep coming back just like I was a bad itch
I hang with more chill cats than my girl Dee Mirich
When I get real drunk I sometimes say wierd things like "bort"...
Then I shit in the clothes hamper, just like Najeh Davenport.
Sittin in jail just like Mike Vick/Praying I don't have to touch another guy's dick
Dammit! Beaten to the closet on the Dookie reference!
I'm comin' out hot, Handsomeface - the name
Like a certain Bobby B, y'all just pullin' up lame
/singlehandedly fulfills obligatory Barbaro reference-quota
Unfortunately, their cover of "Please Hammer, don't hurt `em" hasn't aged too well.
The Celtics in the playoffs, the feeling's so unreal
So this is what Will feels like when he jacks it to Rick Ankiel
@Bullet_Tooth_Tony: Honestly, I was very surprised to see that we'd gone so long without it
you're styles so weak that we all must mock it
i got that extra 5% like a vig from Rick Tocchet
Next time i hear somebody mention how Kansas rock-chalk-jayhawked it,
i'm gonna drill 'em in the ass like my name was the Rocket
They call me Nyquil cause I'm putting heads to bed
I'll piss on your style like J.J. Reddick on a Duke coed.
This girl ignored my lines, so I had to stalk her/
It was like I was talking to myself, call me Herschel Walker.
I hate the Yankees like Ookie hates dogs
I drink more beers a day than Wade Boggs
Gonna step to the party, we always get loose
I'll bring the hatchet... who's got the Grey Goose?
Can't believe I'm not banned for that shit about Ankiel
The Royal We must be asleep like LaRussa at the wheel
If I ever make friends with a boxer, I'm going to make sure his nickname is Nerf Bat.
If you want your junk covered in guano,
become a movie star like Kaz Tadano
Your rhymes are all so weak, all I can say is "Brotha Please!?"
Next one who brings that shit'll find em swimmin like Tom Mees.
Hose it all down like OJ with the bleach/I'm assuming that this thread's not gonna please Leitch
Dudes better step back when my hoes start squirmin
/ cuz I got a worse temper than your man Chris Berman
if the rhymes you spit were any whacker
you would have a media approval like billy packer
@Phony Gwynn: @PaulU: +1's to both of you.
That said, I'd rather be rickrolled than have to watch this video again.