Ron Artest's Lunacy Knows No Bounds

The life of an NBA entourage member is a hard one. Even though it may offer an otherwise unemployable sect of society the opportunity to live an exciting, fulfilling life vicariously through a pampered professional athlete, there is legitimate "work" to be done in order to maintain a prime spot in the posse pecking order.

Radar showcased some of the more preposterous acts of personal servitude some of these professional hangers-on have subject themselves to and, not surprisingly, Ron Artest's requests are extremely demanding and imbecilic.

Crazy Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest has a paid personal assistant who "fields late-night requests for organic cookies" and is developing Artest's line of athletic wear. The assistant was also (seriously) recently asked to "remove what Mr. Artest thought were giant snake eggs in his backyard." (They turned out to be mushrooms.)

You can almost smell the insanity, can't you? Although, "Giant snake eggs in his backyard" seems like it would be a perfect lyrical refrain from Junta-era Phish. (Ed. Note: Please no Phish references on Deadspin. Thank you.)

We'd Just Like To Remind You That Ron Artest Is Batshit Insane [Hardwood Paroxysm]

5:30 PM on Mon Apr 14 2008
By DAULERIO
9,450 views
42 comments

Comments

7th Floor King Dingaling at 05:39 PM on 04/14/08
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If you look closely you will see that there is a treasure map carved on the back of his head
Gourmet Spud at 05:40 PM on 04/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 437

...asked to "remove what Mr. Artest thought were giant snake eggs in his backyard." (They turned out to be mushrooms.)

Who's his assistant? Yoshi?
Weed Against Speed at 05:41 PM on 04/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 402

One time, I thought there were giant snake eggs in my backyard. Turns out they were just regular-sized snake eggs.
Lady Andrea at 05:42 PM on 04/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 390

That's SO weird b/c "Giant Snake Eggs" is the name of my Barry Manilow Revue....
MitchKayak at 05:42 PM on 04/14/08
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go up to the Bronx, and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.
ltwinslow at 05:43 PM on 04/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 204

pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft

-griz & dotcom
SlantedAndDisenchanted at 05:44 PM on 04/14/08
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I once saw giant snakes while on mushrooms. So, you know, we all have our moments.
Lupicas!XofullofBile at 05:44 PM on 04/14/08
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But does he also have someone to clean his royal penis?

What a douche.
Carlton_Whitfield at 05:45 PM on 04/14/08
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@ltwinslow: + 1. I can't read anything Artest says without hearing it in Tracy Jordan's voice.
ltwinslow at 05:45 PM on 04/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 204

... where antisocial personality disorder happens
LeagueofShadows at 05:47 PM on 04/14/08
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Where more time is spent in a barbershop than practicing happens.
Bring Me The Head of... at 05:48 PM on 04/14/08
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Ron's barber was tired of reminding Ron that he was no longer on the Pacers.
Weed Against Speed at 05:48 PM on 04/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 402

The guy who makes his aluminum foil hats makes 45K a year.
The Joy of Cesc at 05:49 PM on 04/14/08
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Organic cookies, giant snake eggs. I think Ron Artest has been listening to Sleep too much.
Bobby_Big_Wheel at 05:49 PM on 04/14/08
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We can't make Phish references but you're linking to a Stoner D.C. map before the comments. Way to send mixed messages.
amorphous at 05:51 PM on 04/14/08
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...where using your haircut to tell the world you have exactly nine blood relatives happens.
MrMoustache at 05:51 PM on 04/14/08
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Man, a reunited Phish should totally sign with TruWarier Records. I'm so stoned right now.
Sir Hotbod Handsomeface at 05:52 PM on 04/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 280

@Gourmet Spud: +1up
BubbaCJ24 at 05:53 PM on 04/14/08
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What most people don't know is that Kevin Martin got "Burger" shaved into the back of his head.
The Fan’s Attic at 05:56 PM on 04/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 370

...asked to "remove what Mr. Artest thought were giant snake eggs in his backyard." (It turned out Sam Cassell had just misplaced his...uh, marbles.)
supermike5alive at 05:56 PM on 04/14/08
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no phish on deadspin! only The Arcade Fire!
The Teufel Shuffle at 05:57 PM on 04/14/08
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Is his intern Erick Barkley? He's got plenty of free time these days.
Juancho at 05:57 PM on 04/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 273

Dot Com: We could add someone else to the entourage. Tracy: That’s a good idea. Yo, what’s Young Larry doing these days? Grizz: He’s in Jay-Z’s entourage. Tracy: What about Cheese? Dot Com: He’s rolling with Ghostface Killah now. Tracy: Fat Balls? Dot Com: Studying hotel administration at Cornell. Tracy: Well, go ahead, Fat Balls! That’s a good program!
GreatOdensRaven at 05:57 PM on 04/14/08
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Artie Lange doesn't see what the fuss is all about here.
starksgotejected at 05:57 PM on 04/14/08
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Unfortunately, due to an error by a Denver-area Kinkos, the arrow on Team Melo's flowchart that led down from the "Keep My Drunk Ass From Driving and Getting Arrested" bubble went back up, around, and down to Melo himself.
Brazil Thrill at 06:00 PM on 04/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 348

I hope he doesn't get traded to the Timberwolves, for his hair stylist's sake.
Whitey Fisk at 06:01 PM on 04/14/08
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Artest was tired of those motherfuckin giant snake eggs in his motherfuckin backyard.

/Phish reference
Steve Trachsel, Ace at 06:02 PM on 04/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 233

@starksgotejected: Thats the shocking part of any athlete getting busted for DUI or possession. Isnt that what the entourage is for, carry your drugs and driving your drunk ass home.
LeagueofShadows at 06:12 PM on 04/14/08
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By gawd, that's not Will Leitch's music!
The New Math: 86=1 at 06:15 PM on 04/14/08
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I want you to walk to Brooklyn and get me a sugar cookie.
Silky John-STON! at 06:16 PM on 04/14/08
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Those weren't snake eggs, they were my freshly botoxed balls.
Silky John-STON! at 06:17 PM on 04/14/08
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@MitchKayak: Brrreast milllk.... you made my daaaaAAAyyyyy.... @The New Math: 86=1: That's a good-ass sugar cookie.
The Most Dangerous... at 06:18 PM on 04/14/08
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"Sanity never came his way."

/ducks and hides
algiers4 at 06:33 PM on 04/14/08
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i might ask you to take a radio apart and put it back together... or maybe to get me ten tacos..
KittyLitterKing at 06:33 PM on 04/14/08
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Here he comes in his palanquin
On the back of an elephant
On a bed made of linen and sequins and silk
All astride in his clothing line
He's king and his concubines
And his assistant with his organic cookies and milk
And we'll all come praise Artest
And we'll all come praise Artest

/Decemberistized for Will's approval
muggsybogues at 06:41 PM on 04/14/08
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Artest, King of Prussia?
MannysHeadStash at 07:15 PM on 04/14/08
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I must inquire, Will, son, can you still have fun?
FiddlingWhileJimRomeBu... at 07:16 PM on 04/14/08
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Snake eggs are really good scrambled with a little cilantro.
GettinMyGooseOn at 07:53 PM on 04/14/08
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Ron like an antelope outta control?
$Image of Lance\'s Other Nut$ Lance's Other Nut at 09:05 AM on 04/15/08
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@GettinMyGooseOn: nice
Sheepblog at 09:44 AM on 04/15/08
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I can't WAIT for Ron's "Behind the Music" episode.
supermike5alive at 11:12 AM on 04/15/08
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that guy who had to inspect the giant snake eggs/mushrooms in Artest's yard - he is Ron's Lawn Boy, right?

am i too late?

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