Deadspin
Leave it to diminutive Kung Fu dervish Jackie Chan to put this Olympic Torch protest thing into perspective. Chan, who will be a torchbearer when the relay comes to Beijing next week, says that he will deal harshly with any miscreants who might try to grab the flame from his tiny, powerful mitts.
Kung-fu action hero Jackie Chan has warned anyone planning to stop him carrying the Olympic Torch he will come out fighting. "Demonstrators better not get anywhere near me," sad the 54-year-old, speaking at the launch of latest movie Forbidden Kingdom. Chan claimed many of the protestors are simply publicity seekers. "They are doing it for no reason. They just want to show off on the TV," he said. "They know, 'if I can get the torch, I can go on the TV for the world news'."
To prove he is sincere, Chan has already recorded a song for the Olympics. Included are the lyrics:
Waiting year after year
We can see into the future
Together with hard work and sweat
We've created the five different colours.
Or, as friends know it; my Verizon ring tone.
Kung Fu Star Jackie Chan To Chop Down Olympic Protesters [Metro.com.uk]
Jackie Chan Records Olympic Ditty [The Register]
Comments
Jackie no-rikey the protestors. They not his numbah-wan san!
/racism
Together with hard work and sweat
We've created the five different colours
Jackie Chan works for Gatorade?
Is that "Rumble In The Bronx: The Musical"?
no smirre
Dude, Yes, Dude, Dude?, Dude, Yes, Dude, Dude, Yes, Yes, Dude, Dude, Robbed for an Oscar in Shanghai Noon
Chuck Norris just booked a flight to Beijing.
It looks like Jackie is getting ready to lead those people to Comet Hale-Bopp.
That song depressed former co-star Owen Wilson so much he-
Together with hard work and sweat
We've created the five different colours
Clearly, Jackie's not a Benetton endorser.
Somewhere, Brett Ratner is saying, 'This scene needs more explosions and naked chicks!'.
I do not understand the words that are coming out of this post.
That picture is from Chan's TV special, "Up With Chinese People (Screw You, Tibet)"
It's going to be awkward when Jackie Chan and Celene Dion show up in the same outfit.
All protestors will be punished with a viewing of "The Medallion".
And if he gets in real trouble along the route he can just hop in his car from Cannonball Run and make his get away
Dear people carrying the torch,
YOU HAVE A FUCKING TORCH. IF SOMEONE COMES NEAR YOU, LIGHT THEM ON FIRE. I REPEAT, YOU HAVE A FUCKING TORCH!!!!
Thank you,
DennyCrane
I think that songwriting is best described as "Mirich-esque."
Wow. That's pretty sanctimonious for someone who's made a career of making an asshole of himself on film.
How do you say "Heeeey Macarena!" in Cantonese?
When asked for a response to Chan's comments, Jet Li expressed sympathy for the protesters, saying he knew what it was like to be shackled after working on films like Unleashed.
Somewhere, Bruce Lee weeps.
Waiting year after year
We can see into the future
Together with hard work and sweat
We've created the five different colours.
And we were paid three cents a day for our troubles.
Fixed.
Well now that Jackie Chan has put everyone on notice that messing with the torch in Beijing will get you an asswhoopin - it should go smoothly. Cause the whole being executed thing wasn't really enough of a deterrent...
Hey, it's Martin Lawrence's birthday.
I just read a fortune cookie at lunch that said Chan was going to be attacked by a mob of Triads and thrown off of Lion Rock.
So all the people protesting China just want to get on TV? Makes sense to me.
They just want to show off on the TV
That Dalai Lama, what a camera hogging asshole.
Where's the Deadspin Beijing Bureau on this?
Did the government snatch them up like a bunch of Falun Gong supporters?
Oh, and everybody was kung fu fightin'!
The monks from Shaoilin soccer accept this challenge.
The lyrics to Jackie Chan's song make David Hasselhoff's lyrics to Looking for Freedom appear like they were written by Burt Bacharach.
chris tucker will be driving the olympic van
It's all FOX's fault. It used to be that all you needed to do was pull your pants down around your ankles and run onto a baseball field if you wanted to be on TV. Now they wont show streaking on TV anymore, so peeps have to go grab the torch.
Wait -- what if the Chinese built a large, fortified wall along the entire length of the torch's relay route to protect it from attack by outsiders?
Nahhh... that'd never work.
Since the value of the torch does not meet or exceed the $10 minimum, the next bearer will have to pick it up from Jackie's house. Problem Solved.
"You come to take torch? You have ticket?"
"War! Huh! Good God y'all, Whata is it good for, absolutely nothing..."
"Let's fighting love!!"
@shea_guevara: [digg.com]
@DennyCrane: Agreed. And not only that, it's a torch that never goes out. Nothing is more powerful than infinite fire. NOTHING
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