Deadspin
We're looking at every NBA Playoff series through the eyes of both Free Darko and Basket Bawful. Here's Free Darko's look at the San Antonio Spurs-Phoenix Suns series. Your author is Dr. LawyerIndianChief.
Rollin rollin rollin, we ain't slept in weeks. That's how the entire NBA feels about this whole Shaq-to-Phoenix thing. The universe is ill at ease. The weather patterns have shifted. A subtle tremor has rippled throughout the land, from the electricity in Steve Kerr's vibrating chair, to the tofu crumbs in Phil Jackson's beard, to the Buffalo nickels in Mark Cuban's moneybin. Since arriving in Phoenix, Shaq has been bad, he's been good, he's been fast, he's been slow, he's been important, he's been self-important, he's been a dick, he's been a comedian. And not a damn bit of his regular season hijinks matter now.
Steve Kerr knows championship basketball as well as anyone, and he knows that eight of the last nine championships were won by Tim Duncan or Shaquille O'Neal. Kerr had a single purpose in obtaining Shaq, and that was to defeat Timmy D (doing damage to Pau Gasol along the way). The verdict on Kerr's decision is still to be determined. The Suns have gone 18-11 with O'Neal on the squad. The trade has elevated the game of only a single Phoenix Sun (Amare Stoudemire) and has put more pressure than ever on Steve Nash to win the whole darn thing.
And now that Kasparov versus Big Blue moment is here: Shaq and the superfriends meeting Duncan and the hardhats in the first round. Perhaps the defining showdown of our generation, and yet it all feels so anticlimactic. I can't help but think that the Suns have disturbed some cosmic chi in acquiring O'Neal. As my colleague Bethlehem Shoals has stated many times over, the Suns are not THE SUNS anymore. Ever since they traded in Shawn Marion for Shaq, Phoenix is pumping out nuclear energy, no longer that natural Canadian air. Whatever remnants of Eddie House/Quentin Richardson unbridled mania has dried up. NPR got bought out by Clear Channel or some shit.
The best analogy I can come up with for the circumstances is when Mixmaster Mike took over DJing duties for the Beastie Boys (bear the fuck with me here). The whole charm of the B-Boys was that they were janky, freewheeling and refreshingly spur-of-the-moment. Sure, their lyrics were always simplistic and sometimes corny, and their voices sucked, but you could overlook these flaws because they were fun as hell and each of their first four albums sounded like a beautiful mess. Then, all of a sudden they replaced the rag-tag cuts of DJ Hurricane with the incredibly precise scratching of Mixmaster Mike, and it's like, wait, were these guys trying the whole time? Were we supposed to take them seriously? The addition of the Mixmaster sucked all the spontaneity out of the group, and next thing you know they are cranking out some some J-Pop bullshit like Hello Nasty, or even worse, some watered down pseudo-revivalist bunk like To The Five Boroughs.
It's the same story in Phoenix. Now that we realized that the Suns were actually trying to win the damn thing the past couple years, it's harder to see that era as a period of rich cavorting and effortless expressionism. On top of it, isn't any post-Lakers Shaq team really just a bastardized version of the Zenmaster three-peat squad? We're basically looking in our playbill to see who is starring in the Rick Fox and Derek Fisher roles. The whole story feels so sterile.
And on the other side of the ring are the Spurs, a perhaps too-easy villain after last year's Robert Horry hipcheck, the purposeless consequent suspension of Amare Stoudemire and the Tim Donaghy-tainted smog cast over the whole series. Much will be made of how much the sting of that series lingers in both teams' minds. Yet, the Spurs are focused on a whole higher mental plane. The Spurs have more legitimate depth than any other team in the playoffs — I'm talking real, focused depth; not that Dallas Mavericks store-bought Jamaal Magloire depth. Tim Duncan is Tim Duncan. And any time a balding guy (e.g. Ginobili) is getting insanely better instead of insanely worse, I have suspicions of destiny on that team's side.
Look, this series is going seven games. It's essentially a draw. The Spurs are the champs until proven otherwise, and Ginobili's rise completely compensates for any "steps lost" on Duncan or Tony Parker's part. On the other hand, Shaq has too much pride to roll over, and Steve Nash's presence and free throw shooting alone counts for at least one win for Phoenix. This is about as close as it gets. But aha, in consulting my secret Kabbalah-based NBA playoff-betting guide, it says here clearly on page 317: "NEVER bet on the Spurs to lose a first-round series." A decision has been made. Look, I know that the West has been a dogfight this year and I know it's now or never for the Suns, but San Antonio losing in the first round? That just doesn't look right.
Comments
Carrot Top was an ugly kid. Also, Spurs in 6.
So, which one of the black dudes with the Torah is UM?
How'd you get a hold of Rachel Ray's baby pictures?
If Shaq is Mixmaster Mike, does that mean Tim Duncan is Qbert?
If so, Spurs in 5.
The Suns haven't been the same since Joe Kleine left.
With little due respect, fuck you, Dr. LawyerIndianChief. You may shove your cosmic chi up your ass. Suns in 7.
I like my sugar with coffee and cream!
Just Like Compton over Just Like Atlanta in seven.
Did someone mention that the owners approved the Sonics move yet or is this the official TJ?
Wonder how long it took Crystal Gayle to get that perm to take?
@mbprice:
How dare you disrespect someone who is a doctor AND a lawyer AND an Indian Chief!
Back to Jezebel with you.
If I had known it'd be this kinda (pants) party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!
The trainer's purple ensemble is fab-u-lous...
Spurs in Six, officially closing Phoenix's championship window.
BUT WHAT ABOUT GORDON GIRICEK?! Oh wait, no one cares. Suns are something like 13-7 since they acquired him, though.
Spurs in 6. Steve Nash still doesn't play a whole lot of defense and neither does Amare. San Antonio knows how to exploit every Suns weakness.
@MitchKayak: Who cares about that? Why is the one on the right carrying someone's head under his robe?
It's the same story in Phoenix. Now that we realized that the Suns were actually trying to win the damn thing the past couple years, it's harder to see that era as a period of rich cavorting and effortless expressionism
So, I take it, Dr. Lawyer Indian-Chief's favourites in MLB & NFL are Chicago's Cubs & Green Bay's Favre?
Might be time to give Nibbles the (re)boot.
@MitchKayak: The one in the very front, wearing the Eminem shirt.
Suns in seis. Ain't no way San An loses at home in a seventh game.
Unsurprising threadjack:
The NBA approves the Sonics move.
Only Dallas and Portland voted against it.
[seattletimes.nwsource.com]
/threadjack -- back to the actual games
@PQ Crash: Portland's obvious, but why Dallas?
@mbprice: I think he's actually a man named "Lawyer IndianChief" with a doctorate degree.
Like Lawyer Milloy, except with a medical degree instead of a GED in ass kicking.
@MattinglysSideburns: beacuse Okc is like 150 miles from Dallas maybe, which is closer than San Ant & Houston.
@PQ Crash: /tj
The sky is blue
/end tj
Suns in 6. It's time.
@drewheyman: So... an Indian medicine man with a nose for justice? I always wondered what happened to Bobby Sixkiller.
@mbprice: Or maybe it's Indian-with-a-dot-not-a-feather.
I'm surprised about what little has been brought up about last year's series. Look, Phoenix would have won if it weren't for Big Shot Bob's cheap shot and ensuing suspensions. These two teams hate each other. Los Suns over Los Spurs in 6.
Is that Clay Davis in the last picture? Sheeeee-it!
@MattinglysSideburns: Cuban's comments can be found in this AP article:
[www.heraldnet.com]
@PQ Crash: It makes me sick to my stomach that Mark-fucking-Cuban is one of only two owners with any balls.
Mark Cuban looked right at me in a club in Scottsdale one time while following this hot piece of ass around and told me, "Someone had to be the luckiest dickhead in the world, so it might as well be me!"
That right there is the man making the most sense right now, at least among people who make a difference. That man. Scary.
Shaq finds crystal meth -- Suns in 6
@PQ Crash: He's got to cut weight, somehow.
@mbprice: @PQ Crash: Cuban's comments in that article are so dead-on logical that it scares the fuck out of me.
@PQ Crash: Im shocked Portland voted against it, though I guess it helps them try to steal some fans. (I also beat you to the story, but whatever)
Nash really needs to get off the blow.
@DennyCrane: Doesn't feel right, does it?
@Steve Trachsel, Ace: And that you did. In regards to Paul Allen: I think his vote was one to show his support for his hometown; nothing more, nothing less.
it's harder to see that era as a period of rich cavorting and effortless expressionism
I think FreeDarko was the only one who saw it thusly.
FreeDarko: overanalyzing basketball for deeper meaning where none exists since 1968.
consulting my secret Kabbalah-based NBA playoff-betting guide
I hope this is better than Simmons' NFL playoff-betting guide. Because that guide blows.
@Signal to Noise: The Spurs have done this how? By Horry's cheapshot that they knew would bring Diaw and Stoudamire off of the bench hence getting them the suspension?
Shades of 2005: Amare scores a ton, yet Spurs win in 5.
@Jackfruit: Hear, hear.
@Jackfruit: It's a pattern of low-down, dirty rubs at the margin. Or front-&-center, in the case of Bowen. Horry was clearly a cheap-shot artist in last year's scenario, & knew that a levelled Nash would draw the point-guard's teammates, even those on the bench, to aid. But, whoops, anti-fighting legislation -- spurred by Knicks-Heat, no less (another reason to blot that rivalry from existence) -- said no, cannot do that. &, well, Stern is such an above-board, by-the-book manager -- right, Seattle? -- that he just had to suspend not just Horry (an inessential cog in the Spurs offense, now) but Amare (the Suns offense) & Diaw. Rules are rules....
@josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance...: I know it's dumb to reply now, but I was gone. My point is that that's not a gameplan, baiting guys into coming off of the bench. That series was decided by that incident (and Bowen), not by the Spurs' scouting/coaching/execution.
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