Shocking News You'll Never Believe, jake long, miami dolphins

Dolphins Take Jake Long First Overall

Greetings, fellow podium gazers! It's great to be spending Saturday afternoon with you and not my family. And what better way to kick things off but with some four day old news!

When we last saw Bill Parcells, he was sitting in the owner's box watching the Dolphins' final game, looking like a late-era, lead-poisoning-and-incest Roman Emperor who just learned that his Coliseum lions had been replaced with Syrian hamsters. Parcells spent the off-season stealing everything but the Venetian blinds curtains from the Cowboys front office (he even swiped a linebacker and tight end this morning), but he hasn't done much to improve the roster except walk around the practice facility and glower at guys while they lift. Yes, the Tuna is an advocate of Management by Walking Around and Motivation by Glowering. Both methods work. As I write this, Christmas Ape is circling my desk and shooting ion cannons through me with his eyes. Man, am I motivated.

Parcells likes players who are tough and disciplined, unlike those other GMs who prefer mincing scatterbrains. Naturally, Parcells was drawn to Long. You want tough? Long only allowed one sack in his last three seasons, and that was to Vernon Gholston, who you'll be reading about soon. You want disciplined? Long only jumped offsides once in his whole college career. Most young linemen jump offsides twice before breakfast. True story: every time Alex Barron false starts, an angel gets his wings.

Long comes from a long line of great Michigan tackles. Like Jan Jasnen, he's a solid pass protector and exceptional run blocker. Like Jumbo Elliot (an ex-Parcells guy), he's huge, dedicated, and focused. Like Jon Runyan, he's willing to bring a rail gun onto the field and decapitate the opposing defensive line when the ref's back is turned (in the scouting biz, that's called a "mean streak"). The only question is whether he's quick enough to play left tackle in the pros. Jansen and Runyan weren't, but even if Long must switch sides, the Dolphins can live with a right tackle who starts for a decade.

With Long in the fold, the Dolphins line will get good in a hurry. Their line finished near the middle of the pack (20th) in Adjusted Sack Rate last season, even though the Dolphins were playing out-of-work mortgage consultants at quarterback.

Wow, over 300 words and not a single American Dragon reference. That bodes well for the rest of the afternoon.

3:00 PM on Sat Apr 26 2008
By mike tanier
763 views
28 comments

Comments

bizzo5000 at 03:07 PM on 04/26/08
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It's going to be a long day.
$Image of Brazil Thrill\'s Shot Was Blocked By KG$ Brazil Thrill's Shot... at 03:08 PM on 04/26/08
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Seeing as Mort has reported that the Falcons will be picking Matty Ice, does that mean Atlanta will be selecting Glen Dorsey?
Da_Mang at 03:08 PM on 04/26/08
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And my Falcons will make the typically Falcon move of taking an overratted QB over a can't miss DT.

/shits pants
MDT at 03:08 PM on 04/26/08
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...just learned that his Coliseum lions had been replaced with Syrian hamsters.

"So THAT's where they went," remarked Tom Brady.
elijah_dukes_mayonnaise at 03:08 PM on 04/26/08
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I'm already reaching toxic levels of Berman.
Charles at 03:09 PM on 04/26/08
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@bizzo5000:

Seriously - let's go St. Louis, you've had a week-long head start on this pick.

I'll be happy when they go to fantasy football timing for the draft. 90 seconds a pick, and if you can't select somebody, the NFL will assign a player from Mel Kiper's board for you.
MDT at 03:10 PM on 04/26/08
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I feel like a draft that is continually advertising "Best Available Hummer" should be more entertaining.
Charles at 03:11 PM on 04/26/08
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I love how Chris Long looks more like Spicoli than his Dad. So much for the Broken Arrow sequel.
$Image of Brazil Thrill\'s Shot Was Blocked By KG$ Brazil Thrill's Shot... at 03:11 PM on 04/26/08
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@elijah_dukes_mayonnaise: I'd pay a homeless guy $10 to press the mute button whenever Berman speaks.
bizzo5000 at 03:12 PM on 04/26/08
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That's a reach.
I'm just saying that about everyone today.
She Blinded Me With... at 03:13 PM on 04/26/08
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@bizzo5000: Are you with ESPN?

No offense, by the way.
$Image of Brazil Thrill\'s Shot Was Blocked By KG$ Brazil Thrill's Shot... at 03:13 PM on 04/26/08
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Who's longer, Jake Long or Chris Long?
The Boy Wonder at 03:13 PM on 04/26/08
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I think I'm actively rooting for Ryan to drop. I dont like the idea of rooting for any of the teams that may pick him.
She Blinded Me With... at 03:14 PM on 04/26/08
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Prime's in charge of interviews for NFL Network? Still better than Gumbel.
MDT at 03:14 PM on 04/26/08
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They're Long, and they're strong, and they're down to get the strong-side-protection-slash-linebacker-hybrid-pass-rush on
She Blinded Me With... at 03:14 PM on 04/26/08
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@Brazil Thrill - Hawks Aficionado: Ax Bilas.
$Image of Brazil Thrill\'s Shot Was Blocked By KG$ Brazil Thrill's Shot... at 03:16 PM on 04/26/08
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@The Boy Wonder: I've got a spare Falcons cap I can send your way if you pay the shipping and handling.
Da_Mang at 03:18 PM on 04/26/08
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Alright! An ESPN overhyped QB from a northeastern school over a monster DT from the SEC.

Kill me now.
Charles at 03:19 PM on 04/26/08
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@Da_Mang:

How much did you see Ryan play this year? He might be over-hyped now, but he's legit.
bizzo5000 at 03:19 PM on 04/26/08
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Bust of the draft.
Steve Trachsel, ACE at 03:21 PM on 04/26/08
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@Charles: I saw him enough. He is overrated. Hes another Kyle Boller as a pro.
bizzo5000 at 03:21 PM on 04/26/08
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@She Blinded Me With Violence:
Oh shit. I didn't even mean that.
I just meant I got another 15 hours before my team picks.
Signal to Noise at 03:21 PM on 04/26/08
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@Da_Mang: and correct me if I'm wrong, but he will be tutored in the way of NFL QBing by Chris Redman, right?

I can wrap the bullet as an early birthday gift if you'd like.
TheStarterWife at 03:21 PM on 04/26/08
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Joey Harrington... The Sequel!
Da_Mang at 03:23 PM on 04/26/08
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That, ladies and gentlemen, is why the Falcons are the Falcons.
The Boy Wonder at 03:25 PM on 04/26/08
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@Brazil Thrill - Hawks Aficionado: I'm just thrilled its not the Ravens. As a 'skins fan, that would be too much for me.
Steve Trachsel, ACE at 03:27 PM on 04/26/08
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BTW, the new guy is putting a new post up for each pick...
$Image of Brazil Thrill\'s Shot Was Blocked By KG$ Brazil Thrill's Shot... at 03:30 PM on 04/26/08
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Can we agree to hang out in one post, so that we can actually have some form of discourse?