Deadspin
Nowhere in the recorded history of regret has there been a more hang-dog expression than this. Hasn't Roger Clemens suffered enough? Just look at him. The round head that reminds you of the boulder that chased Indiana Jones. The pale skin that reminds you of the moon. The furrowed brow where he keeps extra folding money. On Sunday Clemens came hat in hand to the Houston Chronicle and apologized ... for what I have no idea.
He admitted to no specific wrongdoing. See for yourself:
"I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media. Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right."
Never has the non-apology apology been so artfully crafted. That's some fancy pitching right there. He's still got it, folks.
Elsewhere in the Kingdom of Remorse:
• The beard stubble and sailor's tattoos should have been a clue. Sorry. — Ronaldo
• Sorry I will soon make you forget about Erin Andrews — Samantha Steele (via SportsbyBrooks)
• Sorry I will soon make you forget about Allison Stokke. — Jessica Gysin
• Sorry about the crybaby shirts. Please stop calling in phony orders. — Papa Johns
• Sorry for faking The Big One one too many times, 'Lizbeth. — An actor
Clemens Regrets Personal 'Mistakes' [Houston Chronicle]
Comments
I'll just recycle this since I errantly thought the previous Clemens post was the apology post.
I'm sorry I marred the dignity and prestige of the Derby by having to be put down right on the track. I'm such a bitch. --Eight Belles
Sorry I wasn't there for the end of the Rangers' season. I'd rather die than risk my internship with Vogue.
-Sean Avery
Sorry I couldn't seduce you last night. -- Kwame Kilpatrick
Sorry to send the Wizards to the golf course three years in a row. Keep your head down and follow through boys.
-The Cavs
Sorry for raping your face, Rondo.
-- Marvin Williams
They have college women's beach volleyball?
Sorry penis, you're going to be tired tonight.
Sorry kid, but this might hurt a little.
-Tim Tebow.
Sorry, I picked dogs instead of hor... whoops, time for my 5:10 raping, gotta go - Inmate #7
Sorry, we hit the wrong button -- The 4% Who Approved of Mariotti.
Sorry for destroying the world, but my owner must pay for her sins. --Wizard Cat
Sorry I'm the kiss of death.
--Hillary
Me too.
--Jacque
I'm sorry for impregnating a 13 year old girl. Wait it's not being covered on ESPN? Forget everything I just said.
--Karl Malone
Sorry, we didn't realize game 7 was on Sunday.
-Atlanta Hawks
Sorry I invented the internet Buzz. --Al Gore
Sorry Will, you just don't meet our standards--National Press Club
Sorry about getting you pregnant. Here's a Cabbage Patch Kid.
--Karl Malone
Sorry for sending you back to the start.
"Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right." -- Pol Pot.
Sorry my sign wasn't obvious enough, Hillary
-God
Sorry for that whole 'nailing to a cross' thing -Gov. Pilate
I'd like to apologize for any offense or inconvenience that may have occurred pursuant to my employment at the Texas School Book Depository.
I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters privately and please keep Jack Ruby away from me.
- Lee Harvey Oswald
Sorry I picked the horse they decided to kill on the track after the race. I hope that's not foreshadowing.
-- Hillary
Karma's a bitch ain't it?
Sorry, I couldn't give you some land with oil underneath it but you said you were interested in milk and honey.--God
Sorry I SUCK so much!
-Jason Marquis
Can Roger please start 'We're not apologizing, The bitch wanted it.' club?
Charter members: Kobe Bryant, Ruben Patterson, Anthony Mason, Marcus Webb, Luis Polonia, Keith Henderson, Ike Johnson and Jerramy Stevens
You have no idea how sorry I am- Ronaldo
Sorry for being a completely irrational douche, Will. -Buzzster
"Sorry, I need to interject here, because I feel strongly about this... I think you're full of shit." --Buzz "I fuck horses" Bissinger
Sorry I made you hungry
-Weed
@Brad_Lee: She lost to Big Brown. And there was this 72-year-old Horse that wasn
t participating but wants to invade Iran, but I wouldn't read too much into it.
@J-No: Sorry I don't. --Wellemeyer
Sari.
Sorry Jazz, I can never reward those crazy Christians filling the stands.
-Yahweh
I'm sorry I suck so little-- Jewish Wife
@J-No:
Sorry I SUCK so much!
-Barry Zito Fixed
Sorry for extending the game 4 OT's ruining everyone's Monday in the office
-Nabokov
Sorry for causing your death - Eight Belle's fractured ankles
Sorry, I've got to interject here because I feel very strongly about this:
I think you're full of shit.
You can all stuff your sorries in a sack!
+ Watch video
@Lady Andrea: Sorry about the last three years -- lawschool.
@Jefferson Short Bus: That's what I get for not refreshing right before I post.
I'd like to thank me, myself and I for my wonderful performance on the court this year. I really deserve this shiny MVP trophy after all the hard work and dedication I put into most of this season, offseason shenanigans aside. Sorry if I forgot to include someone in my acceptance speech.
-KB24
I'm sorry the damn bloggers will post this tomorrow. Buzz and Bob was right. -Randy Moss.
I'm not sorry.
-Michael Rensing
Sorry Oregon, I'm headed to Cal.
-- Kevin Hart
Sorry about being intoxicated while boating and fighting with police after my arrest, Bears fans. Oh, and for sucking at football. Can't forget about that.
--Cedric Benson
@Brazil Thrill's Shot Was Blocked By KG: I can't tell if you're being Kobe or the Talented Mr. Self-Congratulatory Roto....
I'm sorry. I have no place else to go.--Zach Mayo
@Lady Andrea: Haha...yes...that 5 inning, 4 walk performance was DOMINATING.
Pitchers who have been waived by the Marlins and Royals most definitely do NOT suck.
Sorry that I'm on the South Side.
-Ozzie Guillen
@The Fan's Attic: Shit. Image didn't insert.
try this link: [sports.yahoo.com]
@notthequarterback: Sorry, Jacque, you are gone...unless you can throw this ball from the left to within 100 feet of the infield... - Dombrowski
@SA: Sorry I wasn't there for that party.
-Me
@A Pimp Named DaveR: +1
The Nike-Ducks are still weeping.
@dont-forget-where-you-came-from-cheese mac: HA! Nice one.
@SA: I'm just happy to see him finally go over the middle.
@Weed Against Speed: Sorry Cedric, but we originated drunk and disorderly on a boat.
-The 2005 Minnesota Vikings
@Weed Against Speed: That seems redundant.
Sorry, Jen P, that we gave you the most dismal, disheartening end to a hockey season that you could have possibly imagined. - Colorado Avalanche
*sigh*
@Jen P: Sorry for enjoying your pain. -- Quebec.
@Tuffy: That's what she said.
@AkAggie: Sorry I somehow think that Mormons are Christian.
-AkAggie
@Sid Bream Was Out: Quebec is *never* sorry to inflict pain on others. It's practically their motto. (In English, anyway. The French one suffers only in translation.)