Deadspin
It's tough for most of us to watch those "Miracle of Life" shows where they give you the full access to what it's really like to watch someone have a baby. After viewing it, you soon realize that even the most gruesome horror movies showing a screeching alien ejecting itself out of a person's stomach are, in fact, less gory than an actual child birth. Alex Rodriguez knows this. And according to Yankees blogger and beat writer Peter Abraham, Alex Rodriguez fears this. And thanks to this transcript from tomorrow night's "YESterdays" show on the YES network featuring A-Rod, we find out that, according to Cynthia Rodriguez, the Yankees third baseman acts just like many people would probably suspect. Let the emasculation party begin:
As tough and big as he seems, he is real wimpy around doctors or any type of medical situation. I don't know why I thought the birth of our child would be different. In the middle of the night, I realized that I needed to go to the hospital. I wake him up. The first thing that comes out of his mouth, 'Can we call your mother?' And I started, 'No. Let's wait and make sure that I am in labor, and make sure that, you know, it's the middle of the night.' And go to the hospital and everything. And finally, a few hours later, I said, 'I think you can call my mom now.'
"Uh, and the color came back to his face when I told him he could call my mom. And then forget it. I was like not even having a baby; he was the one. The one nurse had a cold cloth on his head. The other nurse had the blood pressure on his arm. And my mother was like rubbing his back. And he is passed out on a couch. And I am there, in the middle of labor. And really, I am not being paid much attention to besides the doctor and a couple of nurses. And he is there moaning. In between pushing, I am going, 'Honey, are you OK?' And are you breathing? Are you OK?' "
And that, friends, is why you should never, ever get caught walking around with a muscular stripper in Las Vegas.
A-Rod Not So Clutch In The Delivery Room [LoHud Blog]
Comments
Too many Man Boobs, my eyes are burning!
"Can we call my mother?"
"Wait until she's finished fucking Clemens."
@Sherrill-Theory: *your mother.
Dammit.
no, no
Biff never seems to age.
And that, children, is why you always leave a note!
Boy, am I glad I missed that episode of "Mr. Wizard" as a lad.
@Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies: whoops. I just saw a bunch tits and thought it was really ugly chicks
Well, we always suspected he was the 'girl' in the relationship...
Where is the nightmare fuel tag?
My eyes! De gaggles, de do nuthin!
No attention?
That's what happens when you wear a "fuck you" t-shirt to the hospital.
Ahh. The timeless art of seduction.
Reverse motor-boating!
I can't crap on the guy too much--I'm sure I'd pass out at the first breach, myself.
"Alex, this is no time to order quiche."
I guess this means the kids aren't getting a treehouse, unless Grandma builds it.
She left out the part where he demanded a rectal epidural.
In other news, the sun rose in the east.
'Ohhhmigod! This is totally like Grey's Anatomy! Does this hospital have a Mc Dreamy? Can you please page him? He is my favorite!!!!!!' - a rod
@Johnny LaRue: No you won't. Trust me, when its actually happening you're in too much of a zone for that too happen...
Then you spend a few months trying to erase the images from your head...
transcript from an tomorrow night's "YESterdays" show
I'm pretty sure that sentence just tore a hole in the space-time continuum.
"And then he was completely surounded by these male nurses and two of them are wielding anal speculums. I had to remind him to keep his moaning to a whisper as there was now a child in the room."
The baby was born with birthmarks in the shape of pinstripes. Needless to say, it was a virgin birth.
As tough and big as he seems
To who, exactly?
Did he get an epidural?
Epic choke by A-Rod. Did his wife deliver the baby in October?
So I am guessing he did not take a bite out of the afterbirth?
/C. Thomas Howell
And that, friends, is why you should never, ever get caught walking around with a muscular stripper in Toronto.
/fixed
What made it even more awkward was that Jose Canseco's child was being born in the next room, and A-Rod kept trying to adopt it.
@Hustler of Culture: Barring an unforeseen trophy wife down the road who absolutely insists on procreating, I'm happy to take your word for all this. It was tough enough watching that 90-second 8mm film in eight grade biology.
When the water broke, he put on his SCUBA gear.
After the birth, A-Rod and his wife shared a special moment when they realized his lips were now the same color as a set of hers.
It wasn't the birth that made him pass out, he just can't handle seeing a human vagina.
Why is fat Peter Abraham massaging A-Rod's boobs?
The Mick would have handled it like a real man and a true Yankee; drunk, violent and absent for long stretches of time.
"transcript from an tomorrow night's "YESterdays" show
I'm pretty sure that sentence just tore a hole in the space-time continuum. "
That reminds me. Don't try DVRing "The Today Show," or you might notice family members in your photo album start to fade out.
I saw this movie once. Its all well and good until Rich Garces shows up at the 10 minute mark in chaps and carry a pizza box.
This post is unnecessarily cruel.
/Buzzed
That photo is actually his mother-in-law rubbing him down at the child-birth.
@Johnny LaRue: Its possible that you are much, much smarter than I
@Hustler of Culture: You mean boner fuel!
Right, everybody?
"Where do babies come from?"
Arod
@Phony Gwynn: +1, you've made Carl Sagan proud.
/tries to open the vortex weekly with heady jams
@Phony Gwynn: Wait a minute, Doc. Ah... Are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean? To follow A-Rod around?
Reasons Arod is not a true yankee:
-not good in "the clutch"
-had to move to third so he could play
-hits meaningless homeruns
-makes a lot of money
-fainted when his wife hemorrhaged blood, placenta, shit, piss and infant.
/typical.
(damn you nibbles for eating my first comment!)
Come on -- ease up on ARod. He just knows that childbirth is the one time your wife is guaranteed to be occupied for a few hours, and therefore will not walk in on you while you're banging your tranny hooker in the rear.
The video they showed us in high school had the double whammy of the birth and the seemingly intrusive inside the woman camera view of the conception....including the money shot.
So Daulerio - you're telling us A-Rod doesn't handle pressure well.
And my mother was like rubbing his back.
ARod prefers a bald man with moobs, but any port in a storm...
@Chareth Cutestory, Maritime Lawyer: Where the hell did you go to high school? Tijuana?
I see Arod also removed his Favre jersey.
That picture is actually a clip from the worst Johnny Quest episode ever.
O AN HE SEXY!!
@Chareth Cutestory, Maritime Lawyer: I know they have some very small cameras, but did you ever stop and wonder how they ran the cable that the camera is attached to? It's not in the picture, so I'm guessing they ran out the poor girl's ass.
Not to defend A-Rod or anything, but isn't this somewhat common?
I think the most telling portion of the hospital visit was, when given a lollipop to feel better, ARod insisted the doctor check out his licking technique.
@The Ronettes Sing Medieval Agrarian History: The thing is, on the list of messed up stuff that this school did to us, that is by far number three, with two being the completely unnecessary trip to Rikers Island for a scared straight program and the clear number one the speaker who was supposed to talk about his drug addictions but instead went on and on about being raped by one of his classmates as a kid.
@BigRicks: Yeah, if you live in a sitcom.
John Daly is not impressed with those pathetic excuses for man boobs
Wive's have a very subtle way of exacting their revenge for hotel liasons in Toronto.
@Chareth Cutestory, Maritime Lawyer:
I spent a lovely summer on Riker's once - I don't see what the problem is.
A-rod shows clear signs of man boobs or what is medically called gynecomastia. This occurs when a man has an excessive amount of the female hormone estrogen in his system which can trigger the growth of actual breasts. When testosterone levels are boosted (read: juice) estrogen levels in the body go up too. If an estrogen blocker isn't used, gynecomastia can occur.
They ALL do it!
A-Rod needs to use Old Spice
+ Watch video
@Chareth Cutestory, Maritime Lawyer: When I was in school David Toma gave us a "scared straight" speech. The only problem is we didn't hear much of the anti-drug message - we mostly just looked at each other and whispered "he sure says 'fuck' a lot".