Deadspin
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who woke up this morning without Internet access and had to rush off to a Caribou Coffee, where the "free WiFi hotspot" actually cost him a bag of Deep River potato chips. When he's not finding a way to do his Deadspin column at the last second, he can be found wiping the sweat out of his armpits at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
Well, that was sure...entertaining. Did you enjoy the 1994 NBA Finals? Do you miss those halcyon days of the Knicks-Heat rivalry? Has watching the Spurs slowly and methodically grind their opponents into paste over the last 10 years been the highlight of your existence? Then Game 1 of the Cavaliers-Celtics series was for you! And you are a freak. Please stay away from me and my column. I'm kidding. Keep reading. I get bonuses for page views.
This is how Kevin Garnett (28 points, 8 rebounds) described last night's crap-a-palooza, which Boston won 76-72: "This was two heavyweights, just body-punching. There was no finesse, no jabs, just an all-out, beat-down, defensive fight." He's sort of right, assuming those "heavyweights" were two mildly retarded paraplegics drowning in their own spittle while having an epileptic seizure. Oh, and while on fire, too.
Look, there's no way to sugarcoat this: The game was ugly. An abomination. An affront to the memory of Dr. James Naismith and all he stood for. Or, as Bill Walton might say, it was terrrrrrrrible...an embarrassment to the sport of basketball. If the NBA is a pimp, then this game would be its black-eyed bitch. Have I gone too far? Or have I not gone far enough? I'll let you decide.
LeBron James — who came in a very distant fourth in MVP voting — saved his absolute worst for last night. The King played like the bastard prince of some lowly province or whatever the hell princes rule these days. He scored 12 points on 2-for-18 shooting. He committed 10 turnovers and was a single assist or rebound away from achieving the infamous triple bumble. He played so poorly that I honestly started wondering whether a Lucky the Leprechaun had drugged him before the game. Seriously, do we know what he had for lunch and where it came from? Somebody look into it. (Maybe he got some of Tim Duncan's Gatorade?)
He wasn't alone in the suckfest, though. Teammate Delonte West was 2-for-10 and Wally Szczerbiak was 5-for-14 as the Cavaliers shot a Mr. Freeze-like 30 percent from the field. And the awful wasn't limited to Cleveland, either. Ray Allen scored zero points on 0-for-4 shooting and committed 4 turnovers in 37 minutes of lack-tion. Paul Pierce shot 2-for-14 and had 6 turnovers. Big Baby Davis had a four trillion. If it wasn't for KG (who finished third in MVP voting) and Zydrunas Ilgauskas (22 points, 12 rebounds), I'd have to revise my earlier description of the game from "mildly retarded" to "severely retarded."
Fun fact 1: With the game tied at 72-all, Garnett hit a basket to give the Celtics a two-point lead with 22 seconds left. So those that say he shrinks away from the big moments can go suck it. LeBron "Mr. Fourth Quarter" James followed up KG's shot by boning a layup.
Fun fact 2: This is the final line from the Associated Press recap of the game: "James missed a long but meaningless jumper to punctuate his night." That just cracked me up for some reason.
Comments
It wasn't the stifling defense of the Celtics on Lebron, either...this was just plain old missing shots. The refs seemed to be incredibly whistle happy, too; it seemed EVERY PLAY had a random penalty (including a travel on Lebron as he caught a pass and a jump-ball instead of a rebound for Garnett under the basket).
basketbawful has never been more fitting the morning after a game than today
Shoeless Joe Jackson is suddenly interested.
$10 Shrute Bucks says Simmons is composing a 6,500 word manifesto on how this was the greatest Celtics win in 4 years as we speak.
Ray Allen was so off his ball was rotating sideways. When you're emulating Joakim Noah on jump-shooting form ... you're going to suck. And suck hard.
dude, he almost had a QUADRUPLE bumble...
Garnett was fantastic and Rondo was very good. So was Z for the Cavs. Everyone else? Less so.
Good thing I missed the game to watch a one goal AHL playoff game in person. Even better? No Dick Stockton.
I think I just saw another piece on ESPNTNTABC about Kobe being named MVP for the first time.
All highlights of this game should be accompanied by Yakety Sax
I watched exactly two extended sequences in this game. Three straight possesssions that ended in offensive fouls. And a wonderful Cav's possession in which they got three offensive rebounds over an apparently drunk Kevin Garnett and did not score.
Obama-Hillary was a better played contest.
@The Diesel: But will he cite Scalabrine as MVP of the game? Is Scally the Sports Guy's Welkah of the Hardwood?
this game was less interesting than post-orgasm porn...
@Hit Bull Win Steak: You keep watching?
I watched a program about a star burning out and causing havoc on Earth. It was actually about the Sun turning into a red giant in 5 million years, but it sounds like it could have applied to this game as well.
There aren't enough >>> that would properly describe just how much superior playoff hockey is to playoff basketball.
.....there aren't enough >>> that would properly describe how much superior ANY hockey is to playoff basketball.
Howler monkeys playing hockey is more entertaining that basketball.
If the NBA is a pimp, then this game would be its black-eyed bitch. Have I gone too far? Or have I not gone far enough? not far enough.
Who here would rather have Chris Paul that King James?
\raises hand slowly
@sharknut: Dead howler monkeys?
Yep. Still more entertaining.
"This was two heavyweights, just body-punching. There was no finesse, no jabs, just an all-out, beat-down, defensive fight."
Looks like Garnett was reading off of Dick Stockton's cue cards. Talk about an apologist for a sucktastic game.
Walton would take 5 paragraphs with two greatful dead references to make his point
@josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance...: No, but the words, "my dad" will be used 143 times in the column.
@The Diesel: How many Stanley Nickels does that break down to?
Watching this game made me feel like I was being punished for something, but I couldn't figure out what. I do have a substantial bet with a friend riding on this series, so maybe the good lord is smiting me for my sinful, gambling ways? If such is the case, SPARE ME O LORD I HAVE REPENTED!
@sharknut: and this is why i'm visiting the Nba Closer post.
@supermike5alive:
Everyone slows down at a car wreck.
Wow did that game suck.
@supermike5alive: Still interested in a little wager my friend?
The King played like the bastard prince of some lowly province or whatever the hell princes rule these days.
This seems appropriate.
Sorry, but I disagree with one of your statements. I think anytime two burning retards fight, it would be pretty awesome, no matter what. This game was no burning retard fight.
@sharknut: A reasonable person may say that the level of entertainment is subjective. Those who prefer hockey will think the hockey playoffs are superior, while those who are fans of basketball will say the same about the NBA playoffs.
But no, you're right, the playoffs that can be watched on Versus are far superior. Let's ignore the audience numbers that clearly tell us otherwise.
Sounds like those AP writers have been reading Camus.
@sharknut: If a tree falls in the woods...
I personally thought that game was fantastic.
Let's ignore the audience numbers that clearly tell us otherwise.
Because audience numbers are the end all when it comes to quality of content. I can't wait to see who takes home the Emmy this year, Paula Abdul or the blonde ditz from The Hills.
@Sherrill-Theory: $10 Shrutebucks/ X Stanley Nickels = Unicorns/Leprechauns. Cross-multiply and divide.
That was some ugly basketball last night, for sure. The Celtics didn't score for the first three minutes of the game and when they finally did, they were behind by all of three points. Terrible.
Coulda been worse, though ... I could have been watching hockey.
@twoeightnine: My point is that the "quality of content" is subjective. People who are bigger fans of the NBA will find their playoffs superior, while fans of the NHL will find their playoffs superior.
Why are we trying to compare which sport is superior? On an NBA post? Where we come to talk about the NBA?
@Sheepblog: @Brazil Thrill's Shot Was Blocked By KG:
Using the American Public as a way to judge what is superior gives a new meaing to lowest common denominator. I give you the Big Mac, American Idol and any blond woman at PerezHilton.
My bad, I forgot that Deadspin implemented rules stating that we must stay on topic.
@sharknut: @twoeightnine: ...OK, so both of you will just ignore my whole argument about the subjectivity of what is entertaining and what isn't and will just cling to a fraction of my post and beat it ad nauseum?
I guess I should apologize for bringing logic to a "TEH NBA SUXXORZ!!!!" fight.
@formerly Chief Wahoo: hey yes let's bet - winner get's to select losers avatar which loser must proudly/shamefully display for one week following the final game. yes?
@supermike5alive: Agreed, with the condition that this is done in a sincerely friendly, non-dickish fashion. Speaking about myself more than anything with that. Cool?
Sorry to chime in so late, I just got to work.
@formerly Chief Wahoo: I find it interesting that SuperMike didn't say jack to me.
I think Rajon Rondo was the difference in the game last night. The fact that he could get to the hole for baskets or to get to the line was incredibly important.
I love Charles Barkley, he announced at half time that Boston would eventually win the game because they had a better bitch. My eyebrows popped right off my head! Then i realized he had said bench, Boston has a better bench.
@formerly Chief Wahoo: yes you're on. (sorry so sporadic, way too nice to be indoors today!)
@Juancho: was i supposed to say something to you? you! ohhh.. so bad, you! jack!
@FriendsLikeJimRome: Did some sort of Quantum phenomenon occur last night? I could have sworn Sir Charles was singing the praises of the Cav's bench for the way they closed the gap at the end of the 1st half. Then again, after all I smoked last night, it could have all been a dream.
@supermike5alive: Wahoo and I are the blatant Clevelanders here, that's all.
@Juancho: sucks
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