Deadspin
So, somewhat recently cut Minnesota Vikings defensive lineman Darrion Scott is a charming fellow, full of love, hope and child-rearing tactics that you might not find in the Oprah magazine. Let's take a look into Scott's fortitude-building attempt at putting a plastic bag over his son's head.
He was just trying to help, you see.
According to the criminal complaint filed in Hennepin County District Court: The boy's mother heard the child's muffled cries and found Scott, who is 6-3 and 290 pounds, holding the bag over the boy's head on April 26. She said the boy was on his back on the floor, his legs kicking and that Scott was holding the bag tightly around the boy's neck.
She told police she had evidence of previous injuries while the child was in Scott's care. A doctor who examined the boy said there is a reasonable degree of medical certainty that marks on the boy's arm and ear were intentionally inflicted and were consistent with either burning or being struck.
Scott's defense: He was trying to help the kid by teaching him how to get the bag off his head. This reminds us of that time that our father tried to help us learn how to swim by trying our arms and legs together, tossing us in a laundry bag and chucking us into a lake. Made us stronger. ***
This Is Just Plain Messed Up [The Sports Point]
*** Not, in fact, true; just using our father as a comedic counterpoint. Sorry, Dad! It was just a pond.)
Comments
Your honor, I was just trying to help Ms. McCready learn how to fend off potential rapists.
-- Roger Clemens.
This is just like that time...
I was just trying to teach a coming-of-age girl about her femininity
/Karl Malone
Somewhere, David Blaine is glad his parenting tactics are catching on.
Blogs are devoted to cruelty towards Bryan Leitch. When will we wake up and stop giving Deadspin a free pass?
tough love man, tough love
that kid is going to be great in the "get bag off head little league"
"I wouldn't hit a child, but I'd choke the shit out of one!"
-Chris Rock'ed
No, no, it's only bad parenting if he's doing that to discipline the child. Scott was being a good father and sharing his love of autoeroticasphyxiation with his son. Sort of a modern day "birds and the bees" talk.
He was going to suffocate the boy and then say a white woman did it.
to be fair, that's actually taught in child development class at tOSU
"You should try the wrapping thing before you have the kids. Trust me."
- Travis Henry
WE. ARE. SPARTANS!
So my dad cutting the hand brake cable on my ten-speed and telling me helmets were for girls was a "teaching moment"? Wow. I always thought my dad hated me, this changes everything!
He also tied a porkchop around the child's neck so the dog would play with him. That kid gets no respect I tell ya, no respect at all.
Could have been worse. Could have taken his kid on the Viking's daddy-child spring cruise.
Buckeye!
@asliceofbacon: But he's not thrilled about a potential challenger to his 17-minute breath-holding record.
For his kid's birthday, Scott bought him Johnny Switchblade and Bag O' Glass.
Might the worst thing a VIking has done recently, and that's saying something.
And that was Merle Haggard, with his latest hit..."I Kiss My Sweetie With My Fist".
[flickr.com]
After he threw you in the pond, did he polish off a sixer of Natty Ice?
In all fairness, Scott did leave a gun on the nightstand so the kid could even the playing field.
@Schluby: "Next time, beat your kids with a sock full of oranges. Doesn't leave a bruise and let's them know who's boss."
[pulls belt out of loops]
I can't believe he sacked his own son.
Reminds me of the time Dad buried me alive to teach me not to be afraid of the dark.
Good times. Good times.
You can carry these lessons over to women, the plastic bag is the third step after putting the bag over your head in case the bag on her head falls off.
Darrion Scott's actions piss the shit out of me.
@UkraineNotWeak: I hate to travel because my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Travis Henry and Shawn Kemp think that Scott is a genius.
"The nature of today's parenting places a high premium on ...factors such as the ability to quickly obtain information from children and their sponsors ... [t]his new paradigm renders obsolete Geneva's strict limitations on child rearing..."
/Alberto Gonzalez'd
Did he go to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?
/Bad Santa'd
//seriously, this is a fucked up story
Just rub some dirt on him. He'll be fine. Pussy!
For those who are interested...Mr. Scott's published phone number would appear to be (952) 681-7740. Give him a call and say hello.
Thats really irresponsible of him. He should have used a reusable cloth sack instead of a plastic bag, much better for the environment.
Michael Hutchence's dad just wishes he was so prudent.
Michael Hutchence is unimpressed
@Doyle McPoyle: Well, dammit
@Gourmet Spud: +1 Best. Skit. Ever
I was just demonstrating how the real killer probably did it.
-OJ
Jesus Christ, he also reared the kid? Sick!
Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!
Rear joke twins!
Yorkshireman 1: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves.
Yorkshireman 2: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.
@FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns is the anti-Christ according to B...: Tell him to purify himself in the waters of Lake Minnetoka, maybe?
I see he is getting his parenting tips from Kige Ramsey's pappy.
Trying to kill a child is just too sickening to even try to make a joke about.
@BabyGorilla: +1
E. Buzz Miller and the Bag o' Glass say "right on."
This is all a huge misunderstanding. All Scott wanted to do was fully flesh out the Gary Condit/Chandra Levy story he was explaining to his boy.
Still better than Chris Benoit.
+ Watch video
Adventures in Child Rearing by Michael Jackson
Amazon Rank 35421
Purple People Eaters: The New Class.
To his credit, he was born in West Virginia. They normally put the kids in plastic bags right after the birth.
@josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance...: Actually, I think he lives right down the street from me. Tell him to jump in Purgatory Creek instead (Lake Minnetonka is too nice for this asshat).
@Gourmet Spud:
Teddy Chainsaw Bear is a better product.
Why doesn't he get any credit for being a father involved in a childs life. He could of just abandoned his parental duties. When this kid gets older he will appreciate having a father around to choke him.
C'mon now people...he was just preparing for what to do in a terrorist attack. Some dry cleaning bags and duct tape and that anthrax isn't a worry...
Man, this guy couldn't father his way out of a plastic bag ...
@UkraineNotWeak: Invisible Pedestrian is still a popular Halloween costume as well.
Can they seriously not tell the difference between a bruise and a burn?
This must have taken place during "Bring Your Son to The Brink of Death Day."
Cashier: "You want paper or plastic?"
Darrion: "Um, Uh"
Kid: "Daddy can we go home now, I'm tired and hungry?"
Darrion: "Better make it plastic."
Thirty years from now, a phone call will eminate from the Scott household that goes something like this:
Yes, ma'am. I've killed Darrion Scott with a lawnmower blade. Yes, ma'am, I'm right sure of it. I hit him two good whacks in the head with it. That second one just plum near cut his head in two...
Betcha the whole double dong thing doesn't look so bad now does it Minnesota.
Besides, everyone knows you cut a hole in the plastic bag, so they don't actually suffocate. Amateurs
If this was Ben Roethlisberger, we'd all be blaming the kid right now. But the most offensive part is that you don't even realize you're doing it. For shame, you bigots!