Deadspin
The Deadspin NHL Playoff Previews are brought to you by the five foppish gents at Melt Your Face Off. Please don't wear an ascot when a cravat is called for, or they will be right put out. LeNoceur breaks down the Western Conference Finals.
Forget kindergarten. Everything you need to know about life can be learned from old Westerns. You can't trust anyone like you trust your horse. Getting drunk and playing cards is really all the entertainment you need. Real men drink whiskey. People will kill you just to steal your boots. And if you need some iron to take down the local gang of rustlers, you go see the Swede.
The Red Wings have plenty of Scandinavian arms merchants, and they all seem to have scary nicknames. The Mule. Demolition Man. Permanent Owner of the Norris Trophy. Henrik Zetterberg is simply a stone killer. This is a Stockholm Syndrome of a very different sort, one that is so terrifying that fellow countryman Peter Forsberg politely stood aside and let them slangpolska right past his Avalanche.
The Stars should watch carefully, lest Loui Eriksson and Mattias Norstrom pull the same deferential disappearing act in the face of the Rott Pyskander. To counter this gang of blue-eyed killers, the Stars have assembled what sounds like a perfectly deadly tennis team: Brenden. Marty. Brad. Stu. Trevor. Can their popped collars deflect bullets? Do they understand that the cold of the Lapland glaciers pales in comparison to the cold in the depths of Lidstrom's heart?
The Stars do have one true gunslinger on their side. Unfortunately, he no longer laces up skates, has acquired a healthy potbelly, and used up whatever hockey karma he might ever have had in the 1999 Cup Finals. More than the personnel moves, such as acquiring Brad Richards at the trade deadline, GM Brett Hull's greatest contribution to young Stars players like Matt Niskanen and Mike Ribeiro could be to help them learn what it's like to be, and to face, a killer.
Some analysts will tell you that the Stars are a more "complete" team than Detroit. I am here to tell you that there is nothing more complete than having the best defenseman, the two best all-around forwards and an thus-far-undefeated goaltender. The Wings have killed Predators and Avalanche. They've killed just about every thing there is. And now they're coming to kill you, Dallas Stars.
And, if you've got ten minutes or so, enjoy:
Comments
I will say this only because I truly mean this: Fuck Norm Green.
The cowboy/western analogy thing really worked until you realize that the Stars are afterall from Dallas.
So what you are saying is that a group of dudes from Dallas are going to get beat up by Cowboys from Detroit?
I simply don't see any team stopping the Red Wings. And it absolutely kills me to say that.
fuck the redwings
the stars will slit their throats with skates and fuck the shit out of their gaping throats.
You're no daisy, Dallas! You're no daisy!
He's a killer! Ribeiro's a killer!
(Ribeiro's a mess...)
you call it hockey karma, I prefer to see it as a suitcase full of cash to Gary B.
Barbaro has got nothing on the Mule
@Jen P: If the Penguins escape Philly relatively unscathed, I think they can do it.
It's just that "unscathed" part that prevents me from coming right out and saying it.
@Jen P: Going for ESPN Comment of the Day?
What is this hockey you speak of?
/denial from first round
@Dany Heatley Speedwagon:
Maybe he means "cowboy" like Kid Rock. Isn't he from Detroit?
I mean this from the bottom of my heart: Fuck Detroit. It's kind of a motto of mine, actually. And I mean it with every fiber of my being.
@ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos: Shit! I posted that to the wrong site!
I've said it before and I shall now repeat myself:
Detroit: the only city with 2 teams still in the playoffs
/awaits detroit is dangerous jokes
@Jen P: Ha. Unfortunately, I have to agree with your statement. And I hate those old fucks, too. Even you, Chelios.
Dead Things 4
Foot in the Crease 3
The Wild Bunch over the Apple Dumpling Gang in 5. Wings all the way.
@Dany Heatley Speedwagon: Not cowboys. Swedish killing machines. The Man With No Name was not a cowboy.
10 minutes to totally enjoy white space. cool
@LeNoceur: Ain't Chigurh Swedish for dead?
Pizza Pizza 4
Team that Hicks will eventually sell to keep Liverpool afloat 2
@Dany Heatley Speedwagon: Eh, if we learned anything from Lee Hazelwood, it's that there are Cowboys in Sweden. Some of the best, really.
Red Wings in six.
If I am going to have any chance of holding on to my lead in my playoff pool, please let it be the Stars in 6.
Team I hate: 4
Another team I hate: 3
The only positive thing about the Avs' utter meltdown is that it ended the series before my DirecTV receiver imploded. I would've gone on a killing spree if there had been a Game 6 or 7 that I couldn't watch.
Still waiting for my new receiver to arrive ... and overdosing on NPR in the meantime.
The Flyers first had to face the love child of Patrick Roy and Ken Dryden, and now have to face hockey's version of Jesus. How do they manage?
Fuck the Stars.
NO GOAL
@HockeyMountain: I'm with you.
Motherfuckers: 4
Motherlickers: 3
@Jen P: Luckily for you the Avs had no chance of taking that series to a game 6. Even though the way that series went I'm surprised I didn't go on a killing spree
Ahh, yes, the loathing is back. Oh how I have missed thee.
Actually, it kills me that the most famous player from my hometown and my favorite Michigan player of all time will need to be run down for my preferred hockey team to make the Stanley Cup Finals. Alas, it is to be so, one hopes and fervently wishes.
De-troy-it 4
You can't say Dallas doesn't love you 2
@Yostal: No love for Hensik eh?
Kid Rock: 4
Gibby Haynes: 2
Drunken limo drivers: 4
Carpetbagging owners: 1
@Jen P:
I killed a man after Detroit 7-2 beat down of the Avs in Game 7 of the 2002 Conference Championship. The killing had nothing to do with the game, I just thought I would share.
Hank Hill over The Crow in 6.
it's a helluva thing killing a man. Take away all he's got, all he's ever gonna have.
@Summer-of-George:
7-0 beat down thank you very much
/ducks
@Yostal: Since San Jose forgot how to swim, skate, or shoot last round, I now have to watch the Wings from home. I was really looking forward to chillin at the Shark Tank in my #19 and soaking up all the delicious hate. Or at least to see Scotty Bowman buy a slice of pizza again. (It wasn't Lil Cez, for shame.)
I'll never forgive the North Stars from moving out of MN.
That, and I've been a Wings fan since I could pee.
@Clarence Rosario: North Stars were my team too. Fuck Dallas right in the ass.
I could give two shits about the Red Wings, but fuck Dallas.
Kristen Bell 4, Angie Harmon 1
@Fateric2000:
No, I was count Detroit goals and Avs shots...7-2 is correct.
/:(
wings in 6
@Summer-of-George: Doh!
I'm reminded of the night I was at a Benihana steakhouse and my chef (who couldn't speak English very well) spun his cleavers like six guns and dropped them into the holsters on his hips and started to sing, "I want to be a cowboy.."
@FriendsLikeJimRome: There needs to be a "Coyote Ugly" type movie involving Benihana chefs instead of bartenders.
@Clarence Rosario: @Uecker Seats: Well we really appreciated them when they arrived. Before then I dont think you could have bought a hockey stick in Texas.
I was about 15 when they moved to Dallas and we started plying hoc-key as teens. I'm sure it was quite a spectacle seeing a bunch of guys in their teens playing hockey for the first time. He used the quad skates from the skating rink and most of us had those wooden Mylec sticks with the plastic blade screwed on to the bottom. Better equipment showed up in the Dallas market a year or two later.
I will have to go with Stars in 6.
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