Deadspin
The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who could be replaced by an alien doppelganger any day now. It's been nice knowing you. When he's not trying to organize an underground resistance, he can be found practicing his "Nanu Nanu" at Basketbawful. Enjoy!
We are all witnesses...to an alien invasion! The Martians have struck again. This time, they kidnapped our King and replaced him with a near-to-exact duplicate. It looks like LeBron James. It rumbles through the paint like LeBron James. It probably even cries like LeBron James. They only thing our soon-to-be space overlords forgot was to turn the doppelganger's basketball dial up to 11. I mean, are we really supposed to believe that The Chosen One suddenly forgot how to play basketball? Nice try, Zi'Zhizhipheq of Thooq. But we humans didn't evolve from ocean sludge yesterday, you know. We'll be sending Bruce Willis to kick your space butts now. Yippee ki-yay, you green bastards.
Okay, if we aren't involved in a secret intergalactic war, can somebody tell me WTF is going on? LeBron followed up his worst-ever performance in Game 1 with a "better" performance that was almost equally dreadful: 6-for-24 from the field, 0-for-4 from beyond the arc, 5 rebounds, 6 assists and 7 turnovers. The good news: He did manage to score a game-high 21 points. The bad news: The Cavaliers didn't even come close to winning this time, losing 89-73 to the Celtics.
Things actually started out great for the King and his mates, as the Cavs ran out to a 21-11 lead. Then it was the Boston reserves to the rescue. With Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce watching from the bench, guys like Leon Powe (11 points, 7 rebounds), Sam Cassell (9 points, 3 assists) and P.J. Brown stepped up and made a run to get the Celtics back into the game. And then there was James Posey (7 points, 6 rebounds, 3 steals), who's numbers can't quantify the killer defense he played on Space LeBron.
Oh, and Pierce (19 points, 6 rebounds), Allen (16 points) and KG (13 points, 12 boards) were okay, too.
Zydrunas Ilgauskas (19 points, 9-for-12, 5 rebounds) continues to be Cleveland's best player, which might mean he got nabbed by the Green Menace as well. But Wally Szczerbiak (4-for-11) and Delonte West (1-for-5, 5 assists) seem like their old selves. So maybe I'm just overreacting.
FYI: Ben Wallace almost collapsed on his way to the bench less than four minutes into the game and had to be taken to the locker room. Big Ben said it was just dizziness caused by allergies. So yeah, he's just allergic...to aliens!! Cavaliers spokesperson Tad Carper — nice name, huh? — said that Wallace will be re-evaluated when the team returns to Cleveland.
They ain't dead yet, apparently. The Spurs used that age-old formula of Physical Defense + Hitting Shots to get back into their second-round series against the Hornets. And their 110-99 win signifies, if nothing else, that the defending champs won't get swept out of the playoffs.
How'd San Antonio do it? Chris Paul has an idea: "They made a lot more shots." So sayeth the Lord of Obvious.
Manu Ginobili, now a starter, scored 31 points — as I predicted, by the way — and Tony Parker added another 31 to go along with his 11 assists and annoying Frenchiness. Tim Duncan had 16 points and 13 boards, but he really didn't get his groove back until the refs tagged Tyson Chandler (12 points, 8 rebounds) with a few quick third-quarter fouls that sent the big man directly to the bench without passing "Go" or collecting $200.
Paul (35 points, 9 assists) and David West (23 points, 12 rebounds, 3 blocked shots) went crazy-insane on the Spurs, but Bruce Bowen did everything but put Peja Stojakovic into a figure-four leg lock, holding the Bomber from Belgrade to only 8 points on 2-for-7 shooting. So, you know, that worked.
So remember, never underestimate the heart of a blah, blah, blah. Game 4 is on Sunday.
Fun fact: Jacque Vaughn and Robert Horry each collected one mario last night.
Comments
We are all witnesses...to an alien invasion!
still waiting for the Sam Cassell joke....
The only thing this photo tells me is that Celts fans carry a fetish for ankles and thighs.
We are all witnesses...to an impromptu handjob on the sidelines.
LeBron must have been worn out from waiting in line for his .23 pizza.
Yes, but does it dodge a tip like Lebron?
/baffled that a bizzillionaire would be that fucking cheap
//he obviously hasn't learned enough from hov
LeBron is cracking under the pressure of the media war waged by the Unattractive Waitresses of America.
"Kiss mah grits!"
@iHaveaRagingTebowner: LeBron not leaving me a tip > Tebow not leaving me a tip
I don't want to hear anything about LeBron's snatch, thanks.
It definitely chews its fucking nails like Lebron James.
@Gourmet Spud: An Alice reference before 10:00? Hoo boy.
Next thing you know, I'll be making comparisons between Manu Ginobili and Carla Tortelli.
time for lebron's freedom search
Ben got the vertigo, bet. that shit sucks.
on that play in the picture, lebron just kinda fell out of bounds and - of course - drew a phantom foul.
yeah, i'm complaining about the refs.
I'm 5'1" and 111 pounds, and, even though I'm 21, I look wicked young.
Last night a male Cavs fan kicked my barstool out from underneath me, picked me up by my Pierce jersey and tossed me into a wall. He sprinted out of the bar before anyone could do anything.
And then, when I got up to keep drinking, another Cavs fan came over and told me he had wanted to do that all night.
Classy.
@icanthelpitimfromboston: To be fair, he thought you were Paul Pierce.
Clearly LeBron couldn't rally Bugs Bunny and friends to a win; he's now stuck on Moron Mountain with Danny Devito.
@icanthelpitimfromboston:
are you a dude?
@supermike5alive: Isn't that what derailed Nick Esasky?
The best shot of lebron all night was some point in the third quarter - sitting on his ass and pleading to the refs to call another phantom foul. While everyone else was running upcourt.
@icanthelpitimfromboston: Wow, that exact same thing happened to Luke at the Mos Eisley cantina.
Seriously, that sucks though.
@icanthelpitimfromboston: Were you in Parma? If so, that happens every night regardless of what you're wearing.
@icanthelpitimfromboston:
supermike can't help himself - he's just an ass like that.
@BigTenObsession:
you read that whole thing wrong, you idiot.
@icanthelpitimfromboston:
don't get offended. in ohio thats considered foreplay
@icanthelpitimfromboston: Just be glad you didn't go to a Bruins game in a Canadiens jersey.
@StreakinTheQuad: Haha, no, I'm not a dude. I'm a tiny, adorable little girl.
@thetaxman: not sure but i've had vertigo and as soon as they explained what was going on with Wallace and i rewound to see the play, Dr. Supermike's diagnosis was complete. vertigo.
@ltwinslow: Only for those of us who can't afford roofies.
@BigTenObsession: ah durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
@icanthelpitimfromboston: do you live in Cleveland?
@icanthelpitimfromboston: I like stories.
The more Lebron fails the more ESPN ups what they think he will accomplish in the next game. If he blows ass in Game 3 they will be predicitng a 60 point game with 25 rebounds.
@icanthelpitimfromboston:
good, b/c i'd question your sanity for wearing a opposing jersey in enemy territory as a 111 lb dude. i thought you might be a jockey or something...
David Stern's evil plan of a Celtics/Lakers finlas is coming together nicely. Nicely indeed.
@supermike5alive:
Hey now - I already berated myself. @BigTenObsession:
@HazelMaesLandingStrip: He'll break the playoff records for points scored, rebounds, assists, blocks and field goal percentage in game 4. And he'll also make delicious pancakes, from scratch.
@icanthelpitimfromboston: If you're 5'1" and 111 pounds you shouldn't be going into enemy territory without a beefier friend. Or some pepper spray.
Our author went a long way to keep the alien analogy going. He forgot to cite Space Jam as his source however.
Dudes rockin a Palm Beach Community College hat.
GO PANTHERS !
@Burning River: @The Trying Too Hard To Look Young Face: I imagine it's like the closet-case white supremacist in the "Clayton Bigsby" installment of Chappelle's Show. 'I love you', he's saying. Then, adds, 'But you're black'.
@Pennington Noodlearm Enthusiast: He couldn't of thought he was Pierce, no stabbing.
Little known fact: Had "Bison Dele" already been taken, "Zi'Zhizhipheq of Thooq" was Brian Williams' second choice.
Where did I read about LeBron's adventures in international play, where he kept charging the lane and getting called for actual fouls, and his utter bewilderment at it? "Don't you know who I AM?"
He read Balls Deep and is trying to succeed without using his one move that BDD suggests he always use.
It's like Teen Wolf deciding to play as a human.
@Brazil Thrill's Shot Was Blocked By KG: He should've taken Marvin Harrison.
@The Diesel: As long as there is a convenient bucket nearby, so Marvin can toss his semi-automatic after mowing down the opposing fans.
Tyson Chandler... now there's a name I haven't seen in a long time.
@supermike5alive: No, I go to Ohio University.
This is obviously happening because the aliens from Space Jam want to make a sequel.
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