Carlos Guillen Would Like To Borrow Your Cooling Ointment And A Large Cushion

Anyone who's ever had the misfortune of being stricken with a dreaded hemorrhoid flare-up can attest to how painful it is. When it first appears, the general swamp ass-y, hiney spider feeling reaches about a "5" on the uncomforability scale. But the longer it lingers, it quickly shoots up to about an 11, rendering its victims unable to walk, so delerious with pain that they seriously consider jamming a tray full of ice cubes up inside themselves to make it go away.

Carlos Guillen of the Detroit Tigers knows this feeling and his play is suffering because of it. And manager Jim Leyland will go out of his way to stick up for his players during their times of rectal crisis:

"He can hardly move — he's got hemorrhoids so bad," Tigers manager Jim Leyland said Tuesday. "He's been playing with hemorrhoids that probably need to be lanced. He probably shouldn't have been out there (third base on Monday)." Leyland said the hemorrhoids have been bothering Guillen for about four or five days, but they have gotten worse in the last few days. "He could hardly walk (Monday night)," Leyland said.

However, Leyland should read this report from the Long Island Colon and Rectal surgeons which states that, "Lancing the hemorrhoid and squeezing out the clot, as performed by other doctors, does not produce reliable results."

Instead, the report says that "rubber band ligation" is much more effective: "This procedure is simple and quick and is the most frequently performed to remove hemorrhoids. Using a specially designed ligator tiny elastic rings are applied to strangulate a hemorrhoid."

Mooooon River....

Guillen battling painful case of hemorrhoids [FreeP]