Part IX: Featuring...Kissing Suzy KolberS



Special Round Of Roasting From The Gay Mafia:

Holy shit, are these guys gay. Apparently, this photo was taken just before the oil bath. Anyway, here's a round of roast tributes to Leitch from everyone at KSK, a site that never would have existed without this one. I can think of no more damning indictment of Will Leitch. Let's go.

MATT UFFORD

Hey, thanks for having me. Sorry I'm late. I had trouble finding someone to fill in for me at work. You have no idea how hard it is to find a ninth-grader to write different variations of the same three jokes on your blog. One who isn't union, anyway.

I'd like to thank Drew for inviting me. What an honor. As the only alumnus of the prestigious Phillips Exeter Academy in the sports blogosphere, Drew is a tremendous disappointment to Phillips Exeter Academy. I can't imagine his embarassment at class reunions. Why, all of Drew's racism is merely of the published word! He doesn't even have the employment status to refuse minorities' job applications! How marvelously bohemian!

Oh, and good to see the Deadspin commenters could make it. I heard traffic from the inside of your rotting giraffe carcass was a real bitch. No, no – you guys are great. I can't wait to read all three variations of the same joke later in this thread. Heck, I got my start as a Deadspin commenter, and I could never keep up with all of you now. As Will leaves, I see the humorous side of the site in your hands, and it makes me feel… What's the opposite of shame? Less shame? Yeah, that's it.

As for Will, I could never publicly malign someone who has offered me such support and friendship over the last couple years. Well, at least not on his own Website. However, I have agreed to read this message from some friends of mine. It reads as such:

Mr. Leitch, We applaud you on your restraint during the recent incident on HBO when Buzz Bissinger so cruelly disparaged you and your work. Your noble silence let the world know that you are dedicated to keeping your pride intact. Way to sit there and take it! Sincerely, Native Americans and German Jews

UNSILENT MAJORITY

[swills vodka]

Aw shit, that's good.

Hey everybody, it's great to be here! This is my first roast, and I gotta say I'm having a hell of a time. The open bar has bottle service, and the Belvedere is flowing like Big Brown's piss. Plus they've got me sitting next to Jeffrey Ross, and that asshole taught me something about good roast jokes. He's actually entertaining, unlike this midwestern corn shucking motherfucker over here. Will Leitch, the Mad Gasser of Mattoon, Illinois.

I like Will, because he's a nice guy and he's probably the biggest gentile I'll ever know. If But you know what? Fuck Jesus. And hell, fuck Illinois too. As far I can tell from its representatives in the blogosphere all it takes to get into that school is a 1200 on the SAT, a decent essay, and the haircut of a pederast. Oh, and speaking of Illinois, fuck Chief Illiniwek's rotting corpse. But most of all, fuck you Will, and you're genteel Mattoon upbringing. Home of the antithesis of Judaism itself, the world's worst bagel. I wouldn't fuck a fresh baked Lender's abomination with Nick Denton's dick.

So does this New York website need a weekend editor, or what?

security enters stage left]

Oh come on Nick, it was a fucking joke!

[/vodka]

MICHAEL "CHRISTMAS APE" TUNISON

[Offices of New York Magazine]

Part IX: Featuring...Kissing Suzy KolberS

Editor-in-Chief Adam Moss: What do we have for the September issue? C'mon, let's hear it.

Culture Editor Jared Hohlt: Cover of the Jonas Brothers. Breakout headline: Are They The New Strokes?

Articles Editor Laura Kern: Secondary feature: The Strokes: The old Jonas Brothers?

Photography Director Jody Quon: Pictorial of gay Republicans!

Design Editor Chris Dixon: Pictorial of gay clergy members!

Senior Editor Jesse Oxfeld: Pictorial of gay clergy members married to gay Hillary supporters who plan on voting for McCain.

Moss: Any chance they could be Ron Paul supporters?

News Editor Carl Swanson: [Inhales sharply] Oooh, maybe.

All: Tendentious!

Hohlt: And, uhh...uhh... profile of random wealthy Manhattanite?

Moss: Okay. Not bad. Any way we can work in the war?

Swanson: No.

Oxfeld: No.

Hohlt: No.

Dixon: Yes.

No. I mean, no.

Moss: Don't know if I'm sold on that. Could use something else.

[Door flies open]

Part IX: Featuring...Kissing Suzy Kolber

Will Leitch: Ya betta, that is to say, youcouldmaybeifyouweresoinclined ask - not in the invasive way we're put off by because really who needs to be that preemptory? - someone ... ask them something that sort of drives at what we feel is in the milieu and not what the cognoscenti thinks is the milieu and man do you guys like Kurt Cobain?

Moss: Everyone, this is Will, coming to us from the sports blog Deadspin. Some of you may be familiar with his reviews of The Office for the Vulture blog. He's joining the magazine as an at-large editor. Any ideas for the upcoming issue, Will.

Leitch: See, there's this Woody Allen movie coming out this summer - did we ever tell you we're really a movie guy? Sports, though we sure liked them a bunch, were never our on true burning passion. We're almost like Kornheiser in that way. He even said that in a podcast, but I don't expect you to listen to those. Who really has the time to listen to all these podcasts? Every once in a while someone e-mails us to tell us something Bill Simmons said in his and we wonder about these people.

[Meeting ends, editors file out]

Leitch: So, anyway, the movie - but I suppose in his case they always take on the lofty title of film but that's kind of silly isn't it? - is called Vicky Cristina Barcelona and the big fuss is that it has a threesome - tres outre, but no, really, we don't use Gallicisms in Mattoon - with Scarlett Johannsen, Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem. I was thinking, in one of those flights of whimsy to which I'm sometimes given, what if andthisisonlyanif, I could rewrite that scene, featuring Woody with, uh, get this: Rick Ankiel and the reanimated corpse of Kurt Cobain. I think it would speak to our, uh, my, uh, your place in the universe while humanizing the human condition. So whaddaya think?

Fellas?

MONDAY MORNING PUNTER

I'm glad to be here at the latest Blogfrica Circle Jerk. Seriously, if we spent any more time discussing ourselves, we'd get a cease-and-desist from Mark Cuban.

But seriously, I'm very happy to be part of the festivities today, and I'm sure Rick Chandler will be happy to roast Will two weeks from now.

I think Will's already had quite a career, but he'd be running the New York Times by now if he was Jewish.

Even without Deadspin, Will's quite an accomplished writer. Not only did he pen God Save The Fan, but he's also written Catch, Life As A Loser, and Come As You Are.There should be a lot of interest in his fourth novel, Having A Small Penis Is Okay.

Good to see Dan Shanoff here today, or as I like to call him, Michael David Smith on HGH.

Spencer Hall is with us today. I don't want to say that Spencer's a fag but he's about a wrist muscle away from being a Caucasian George Takei. I heard his favorite foods are Caesar salad and Cream of White Guy Soup.

Will once said that Tony Dungy wasn't very black, which was a little insensitive. But at least Will never used the N-word to describe Dungy. Besides, it's not like he could find a second source on that.

Ever notice how we've never seen Will's emo bangs and Daulerio's mustache at the same time?

Will really has been unlucky with love, but it's not like he has much to work with. If his dick was any smaller, the bacteria in his pants would be stealing its lunch money.

But yeah, he broke up with his fiancée right before that Win Ben Stein's Money. He had another serious relationship fall through a couple years ago. That's terrible, Will. You couldn't nail down a piece of pussy if you had Bob Vila's dick.

Just kidding, Will. Thanks for everything, and good luck at Metrosexual Weekly.