We all know Ron Zook pisses intensity, whereas Leitch piss is 30% meekness and 70% deference. Thankfully, the Illinois head coach took time out to send a message to Will through our good friend SPENCER HALL.
Great job, Will. Done Mattoon proud. Done Illinoise proud. Gonna head butt a coke machine for you.
BICEP CURLS!!!! (headbutts coke machine.)
Not often someone gets better and better like this. Makes mistakes, but that's correctable. Posts nude pics of Santonio Holmes. That's a five star blue-chip baby batter blunderbuss if I've ever seen it. Not appropriate, but it wins. Gotta win. Gotta compete. I see improvement all over the place. We should go waterskiing some day. Maybe make love on a boat like rich people do. We'll barefoot a little.
FLEXING FOR CAMERA IN MY BENTLEY GOLF CART!!! (Blows twenty point fourth quarter lead on the road.)
Gotta text some recruits. Gotta sleep three hours and then text some more recruits. Gotta slip into Juice Williams' bedroom at three in the morning, shoot him with a taser in his bed to teach him that being a college quarterback means being prepared for anything. Will, that's what I'm telling you: there's lessons everywhere, and a good way to find one is to taser the fucking shit out of someone when they least expect it.
Things are happening. We're winning games. You're joining a magazine I've never heard of. Both are things that happened. I like it when things happen. Means things are happening, which is better than when things aren't happening.
SHOVING FRESH HOT COFFEE GROUNDS IN RECTUM TO BE SOOOOOOOOO ENERGETIC!!! (Hang cleans an offensive line recruit.)
Likin' it, Will. Not gonna read the magazine because reading is for people with time and the gays and Matt Ufford. That ain't the Zooker. Back door, front door, whatever. It's like recruiting. I just want in as many times as I can get within the rules. I'll just give you this to remember me by:
POINTING AND LOOKING CONFIDENTLY SHIRTLESS AT WILL!!!! (Pisses entire cup of coffee, adds powdered creamer, drinks.)
Now go be the third rate Gay Talese we know you can be. Let Daulerio get Deadspin "better and better." That means "run it into the fucking ground." I see improvement already. Likin' it.
(translation: Ron Zook)