The new NHL affiliate in Iowa has made the regrettable mistake, like so many teams that have come before them, of naming their franchise for some regionally appropriate animal over a monkey, ape, baboon, marmoset or even a humanzee. What I want to know is why are so few teams named for monkeys.

There are plenty of mascots who are monkeys (glad to serve you, Phoenix Suns) but they're not good enough for namesake duty, huh? I can think of the Pittsburg State Gorillas. And the fictional Gashouse Gorillas. There are only 10,000 teams named for fucking birds. So why not monkeys? So, let's hear it, Iowa Chops people:

“We really feel this name perfectly represents our vision of the new team,” says Chops owner Kirby Schlegel, CEO of Schlegel Sports. “It illustrates Iowa’s agricultural heritage while also playing into the definition of ‘chops’, having nerve, resilience and staying power. The word ‘chops’ can mean continually defeating someone, and that is the reputation we expect Iowa’s new team to gain in the league.”

Hmm. Yeah, those fearsome animals you like to eat all the time. Lovely. Speciesists.

Advertisement

Look how far the Brits are ahead of us. Hartlepool United FC gets to be the Monkey Hangers. And what happens with them? Only awesome shit this:

In 2002 the team's mascot "H'Angus the Monkey", aka Stuart Drummond, was elected mayor of Hartlepool as an independent, under the slogan "free bananas for schoolchildren", even though his candidacy was just a publicity stunt. Stuart has since been re-elected after throwing off his comedy image and identifying himself increasingly with the Labour group on the council.

Monkeys do all sorts of amazing things such as fly space shuttles, create societies of the future, go fishing and this:

I mean, I can envision some negative reasons as to why you wouldn't take a monkey name. Ferinstance:

1.) Possibly negative racial connotations
2.) Crippling fear of the awesome

What else is there?

You humans disappoint me sometimes.