Hannah Storm. Josh Elliott. And a bunch of highlights already seen last night. The debut of SportsCenter's new 9 a.m. slot gets its very special live blog, which you might be able to watch develop if you properly click on the Jump Of Kings.
9:49 — The small of Hannah Storm's back is clearly visible. That's the kind of footage that launched a million teenage boys into a new fantasy.
9:46 — Jillian Barberie lost weight on Nutrisystem? I thought she lost weight when, y'know, the kid finally popped out.
9:45 — SportsCenter outro music courtesy of the Mega Man X stage select screen.
9:44 — I'm sorry. This isn't SC Right Now. That was SC Just Then.
9:43 — They have three hours of this show. And less than in hour in, we already have our repeat story. USA swimming relay comeback. Does this mean we here at Deadspin have carte blanche to repeat stories?
9:42 — The Phillies have blue hats, natch, because that's one of their team colors. (?!?)
9:39 — If "SC Right Now" isn't for a few minutes ... when will then be now?
9:38 — Oh, we were supposed to ask Cris Carter questions in that e-mail link? I asked Josh Elliott what he has for breakfast. I misunderstood the form.
9:37 — Back from commercial, and Josh/Hannah just got done from laughing at a very funny joke. It was probably the one I sent them, two minutes ago.
9:33 — So I can bang out over a dozen meandering sentences for a live blog in a half hour, but how freakin' long does it take for me to phrase one — ONE — question to the SportsCenter team? The answer is 31 minutes. 31 minutes.
9:31 — Sage Steele is what appears to be "SC Right Now." An update on women's basketball. Judges, should we actually count this as the "actual breaking news item?" I'm going with "maybe."
9:29 — I gotta say. NASCAR crashes on road courses aren't that interesting, because they're going as fast as I normally would on the highway. And a car crash I can relate to ... not that exciting, let me tell ya.
9:27 — "SC Right Now," whatever that is, is four boxes from being now.
9:25 — Chris Carpenter leaves the game with an injury. C'MON, WHERE'S THE RECENT NEWS?
9:22 — Padraig Harrington will forever be known as golf's Hakeem Olajuwon.
9:21 — Sergio Garcia hits a crucial shot into the sand trap. Again ... where's the fresh news here?
9:19 — Gary Sheffield is unhappy with his role on the team. Hey, I thought this was new news they were bringing us.
9:15 — All right, back to the SportsCenter website, actually. We've got to ask a question that'll make it onto the show. We have three hours. Ready? BREAK. (Hey, I probably should include the link, ought'nt I?)
9:13 — Cris Carter breaking down football gives me the perfect opportunity to go over to that website and see that, probably seven years too late, they finally have a SportsCenter website. Anchor bios! Blogs! Video! All right, I'm suddenly bored with that website. You should be to. Return to this live blog. Hey! C'mon. Come back. [lays plate of bacon underneath propped-up box]
9:11 — I'm supposed to go on the ESPN website and vote for something, but ... ooh, big pretty NFL logos. They look plush, but I'm sure if I tried to playfully fall into one of those logos, there would be some kind of painful injury.
9:09 — A-Rod. Hmm. What's that short for? Ah, I guess I'll never know.
9:08 — I'm sorry. I can't get over these boxes. I know that I have plenty of time before they bring us the preliminary Olympic judo results. No, I am not paid an extra amount of money to praise the concept of useful boxes.
9:07 — ELL-OH-ELL, HANNAH SAID "BROOPER" INSTEAD OF "BLOOPER" THAT IS COMICAL!
9:05 — The bottom ticker has a grammatically correct sentence about the score of the USA-China women's basketball game. Don't think I've seen that before.
9:03 — Oh, this is convenient as hell. Little boxes on the right containing upcoming stories, so you schedule when exactly to take your morning piss.
9:01 — I gotta say, that was an impressive finish by USA swimming in the relay, but I don't think the French are going to let Eric Gagne swim the final leg of the relay any more.
9:00 — And ... rolling. And ... Brett Favre. Twenty seconds in, and already one box marked off.
So, after reading Michael David Smith's interview with Josh Elliott, a.k.a., the guy next to Hannah Storm that I think I've seen before, I'm well aware that Elliott is well aware that I am live blogging this. But does he know I know? Will he find out that I know? Furthermore, how many iterations of back-and-forth knowing can we get to before next Wednesday? I'm going with 6.
Now for the bingo sheet. It's quite the chore to delve into the minds of one of these anchors, since they're way more focused than sports announcers and analysts. I always pictured the internal monologue of these folk to be "Dontfuckup dontfuckup dontfuckup dontfuckup." And since I can't very well use that for 24 squares, this was the next best option: