Ten Reasons The Little League World Series Sucks

It was close, but Little League baseball did end before Labor Day this year. Waipahu, Hawaii beat Matamoros, Mexico, 12-3, in the title game of the Little League World Series on Sunday; meaning that the two teams were in contention two months longer than the Cleveland Indians. Congratulations, kids. Now go home and get ready for school (Nelson Munce: "Ha, ha!"). So it was fun for awhile, but haven't we just about had it with the LLWS? Here are 10 reasons it should go away.

• Flat-brimmed caps. The first minute upon receiving your team hat should be spent creasing the top and rolling the brim, preferably so that the ends almost touch your cheeks. When I played, a cap such as this would have gotten you tied to a tree in the woods for most of the summer.

• Giving up home runs to Canada.. Their baseball fields don't completely thaw until late July, and their bat racks contain nothing but hockey sticks, snowshoes and umbrellas. And so scenes such as this are totally unacceptable, even if the opponent is Italy.

• The National Anthem on violin. The only thing that could make this worse is if Alfalfa accompanied on vocals. Welcome to a fall and winter of ass beatings, son.

• Parents who are way too into it. As we can see, Josh's mom is wearing less than the minimum 15 pieces of flair. I guess she just doesn't love her son very much.

• Goodyear Blimp. Good rule of thumb: Any youth sporting event which includes a blimp should be avoided.

• Crying in baseball. Capturing tears makes for compelling television ... if it's Adam Morrison or Dick Vermeil. If it's a 12-year-old Little Leaguer who just struck out in front of a national audience, that's child abuse.

• Instant replay. Half the fun of being a kid is to argue over whether a ball was fair or foul. How about turning the camera on the crappy umpiring behind the plate?

• Old guys who forget how many grandkids they have. Every kid in his section has hit this guy up for snack bar money; some of them twice. The sad part is he thinks he's at the Civil War reenactment.

• Dugout, the Little League mascot. Bland, Disneyesque costumed rodent teaches children that imagination is not important; just make sure that our mascot offends absolutely no one. Next year, give me Blowie, or give me death.

• Little League pledges. "I won't cheat?" F—- you, Little League Baseball, you pretentious, fascist windbags. I taught my son not to cheat when he was two, so send your patches where they'll do some good ... Bud Selig's office to John Edwards, or the White House.

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