Over the weekend, we've been presented with numerous ways to succeed by circumventing unfair and inappropriate "rules" meant to hurt you and not others by not giving you everything you want immediately. As we close out this weekend, let us give you the tools used by sports teams across the globe so you can have what they have: a big ball of win. • Jam. Pittsburgh's football franchise has been fussing privately about how their helmet communication just never seems to work correctly in Cleveland. We don't see how this could have any effect on tonight's game. However, you can certainly screw with Phil's phone line. We're sure he'll love his new voice mail message: "This is Phil. Eat me." • Be less... Paralympic. Great Britain has lost another silver medal at the Paralympics because their medalist has been ruled to be ineligible for the type of disability she claimed to have. In press release terms:
In the opinion of the functional classifier Rebecca's throwing stance was not consistent with what he saw in the shot put or the classification process and she does not meet the criteria of functional loss when she throws the discus to compete in the F38 category.Sure. Okay. So what we're saying is to snow Phil in under a blizzard of paperwork and technicalities until his weeping brings you strength. • Evidence. The famed All Blacks (New Zealand's national rugby team) claim a television crew from Australia recorded their practice sessions and sent the tape home to the Wallabies (Australia's squad), helping the Aussies beat New England in a huge tourney. First, videotaping is so last year. We know. However, if you can get a local TV crew to do your dirty work for you on Phil from Accounting, then you can keep your hands clean. We don't know how you'll convince them it's for the good of your country, but you'll figure it out. Second, what are they really going to learn from this?
• And finally... be Jewish. Mind you, this one won't work on Phil at all. However, if you're competing against an Iranian sporting squad and you think you may fail, be Jewish. The Iranian team will quit, go home, and claim victory. That's what happened when it looked like Iran's wheelchair basketball team might have to compete against Israel.
(Okay, they actually quit one round earlier against a U.S. team that would have thumped them, but they surely wanted the chance to show Israel just how indignant they are that Israel exists, so... sorry, gents. Not only are you disabled for life, but your country wants you to practice and compete for years just so you can go home in a geopolitical snit fit. But hey... at least you're as disabled as you say you are. You got that going for you.)
And if that's too much for you, copy the Iranians. Quit your job, go home, and claim victory over Phil. Then you'll have plenty of time to think of new ways to win.
On behalf of KOGOD and Enrico, thanks for having us this weekend. AJ, please don't look too closely at the right rear rocker panel on Deadspin. We're sure that was there already, anyway. You know how Chandler drives this boat.