Five Throwgasms Cowboys at Packers: Last year the Cowboys were far and away the best team in the NFC during the regular season. And there's every indication that they have now widened that gap even further, particularly if they beat the Packers. But you Cowboys should know something. You could go 16-0. You could win the Super Bowl. But until one of your wideouts attempts to fucking murder a teammate, and one of your defensive ends whips out his enormocock and throws poopy toilet paper at assistants, you will NEVER capture the hearts and loins of the Dallas faithful like the old Cowboys did. If I were you, I'd start fucking in airplanes more. Jaguars at Colts: Holy shit, the Colts are injured. I blame this on the Colts' training staff, who administer to all team injuries by placing their hands over the affected area, saying a small prayer, and then punching a gay person. Steelers at Eagles: It's bragging rights between Pittsburgh and Philly to decide which is the better town! It's like a trivia contest between Kige Ramsey and a piece of driftwood.
Four Throwgasms Jets at Chargers: Favre vs. Marmalard. See what I mean about white QB's being annoying as fuck? Saints at Broncos: Mike Shanahan on the ref crew last Sunday: "This was the best crew that we have had in the last 20 crews I have graded. They did a heck of a job." I fucking hate people like this. Why do you need to spin? You won the game, asshead. Go buy some more Polident and be happy for your luck.
Three Throwgasms Panthers at Vikings: Witness the potential miracle of a Viking QB throwing two straight completions. Cardinals at Redskins: With the injuries to the Seahawks, the Buzzsaw is, quite clearly, the most talented team in the NFC West. They SHOULD win this division, which is why they won't. Bucs at Bears
Two Throwgasms Dolphins at Patriots: If Matt Cassel wins another game, you will invariably start seeing non-Patriot fans on message boards using the phrases "Tom Brady" and "system QB" in the same sentence. I know I've had my fun with Patriots fans. But, honestly, if you Boston folk see anyone do this, you have carte blanche to bury a steak knife in that person's face. Bengals at Giants: Jesus, it's like someone swapped the Giants' September schedule with Kansas State's. Lions at 49ers Raiders at Bills Texans at Titans Browns at Ravens
One Throwgasm Chiefs at Falcons: It's hard to put into words just how terrible the Chiefs were last week. I don't know why they can't just show high-res images of Kelli Croyle throughout the duration of the telecast. Rams at Seahawks Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall/Metallica Mea Culpa "The End Of The Line," by Metallica. It was in this space last week where I reviewed the video of Metallica's "Day That Never Comes," off of their new album. That song blows. But I made the mistake of assuming that song represented the style of the rest of "Death Magnetic." I was wrong. I was way fucking wrong. Rick Rubin, you are a goddamn saint. Bob Rock, you deserve to be trucked out to the Arctic and left for dead. Metallica is finally a thrash band again. Rubin must have sat the band down and told them, "Enough of this goddamn Lynyrd Skynyrd bullshit. You're fucking Metallica, you fucks. Now go play the kind of music only fucking Metallica can play." Then I bet Lars got all uppity, and then Rubin had to punch him right in his stupid fucking mouth to put him in his place. At least, that's how it all goes down in my head. Hammett's guitar solos are back. The crummy yet lovable production values of "…And Justice For All" are back. Hetfield's angry bark is back. This album isn't as good as the band's first four albums, and a couple of tracks suck (the lead single and "The Unforgiven III," which is the heavy metal sequel equivalent of Rambo III). But at least the band fucking sounds like Metallica again, and that's all I've really ever wanted from these assholes for the past two decades. Between this album and reading "Watch You Bleed: The Saga Of Guns ‘N' Roses", I feel like I'm 12 years old all over again. Time to go stick my dick under the tub faucet! Embarassing Album I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up "Tender Lover" by Babyface. ‘Cause you got that whip appeal, so work it on me. When I was 16 or so, I had a whole raft of tapes that I considered "seduction tapes," tapes I would throw on in the monumental event that a girl might actually come to my room (Spoiler alert: never happened). So I would put on a tape, such as this one, and imagine just such a seduction playing out in my head. Did I stand in front of a mirror and smooth talk imaginary women? Maybe even throw my reflection a sly giggle? /takes giant swing of whisky Yes. Yes, I can admit that now. Ralph Tresvant was also useful for this sort of thing. Ladies, if you want to be treated right, see Father MC. Or check Ralph Tresvant, for Sensitivity. Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death Ryan Grant. I do not own Ryan Grant, but I know there are few things worse than owning a player, seeing his team scored 48 fucking points that week, checking the stat sheet, assuming he had a great outing, and then seeing he was the ONE fucking player on the offense who did nothing. That was Laurence Maroney all of last year. Last week, it was Grant. Oh, and he's hurt this week. Fucking Ryan fucking Grant, you fucking bag of South Bend taint drippings. Eat a cum sandwich, you bastard. Five Potential Key Injuries -LaDainian Tomlinson (toe) -Joey Porter (manic retardation) -Santana Moss (Never Puts Together Two Fucking Good Games In Row Disease) -Matt Schaub (pancreatic ballooning) -Terrell Owens (flesh-eating chlamydia) Boston Fans React To Last Week's Jamboroo Image via Birdsmack Middle Finger Solutions. Suicide Pick Of The Week Last week's suicide pick of Giants was correct, which makes me 1-1 for the year. Off the board now are the Giants and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick? Buffalo, and actually acting out bunny suicides. Who says Asian kids are smart? Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark. "This week, I like the Giants giving 11 1/2 points at home against the Bengals. Did you know sharks never sleep? That's because we know the Jews will take our money if we do." Fire This Asshole! Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. This week's chopping block: Lane Kiffin Scott Linehan Marvin Lewis Rod Marinelli Mike Nolan Brad Childress Herm Edwards Romeo Crennel Gametime Snack Of The Week Fruit Roll Ups! I swear there isn't a stranger processed fruit snack on the planet than Fruit Roll Ups. "Hey, kids like fruit! And kids like paper! Let's make fruit paper!" Oooh, look at all the ways I can play with it! I can ROLL it, like the Dead Fruit Scrolls! I can FOLD it! Neat! The allure of Fruit Roll Ups is baffling. They're 95% fucking wax, for shit's sake. You could wrap a block of Danish cheese in one for a decade and it would stay fresh. I actually used to take every Fruit Roll Up out of the box, separate them from the cellophane, fold them up, and then stuff all of them in my mouth at once. Yes, I was an overweight child. Why do you ask? I also liked to wrap the Fruit Roll Up around my finger, and then suck on it. And man, that sure is gay now that I think about it. Gametime Beer Of The Week Chimay! Delicious, luscious, oh so wonderful Chimay. Drinking a bottle of you is like being hugged by a very friendly, loving panda bear. There could be a nuclear holocaust outside my window and your rich flavor would still put me at ease. One time, I drank Chimay and smoked pot with former Dallas Cowboy linebacker Jeff Rohrer. It's the coolest thing I ever did, and I'll never come close to doing anything that cool ever, ever, ever again. Not every former NFL linebacker smokes weed, but it's a whole lot fucking cooler when they do. Kenley Collins Is An Arrogant Sack Of Shit My wife watches "Project Runway," which means that I also watch "Project Runway". And, to be honest, I quite enjoy it. I like the fact that the contestants have to do actual work. I also like the fact that Heidi Klum is almost unbearably hot. But I do NOT like the show whenever this ARROGANT WHOREBRAT graces the screen. Holy shit, this bitch needs to go down. You know those girls who always laugh, especially as a way of covering up passive aggressive comments? Well, this filthy strumpet does it all the fucking time. Eat shit, Kenley. You are insufferably overconfident, you're too stupid to take constructive criticism, and your designs rely on nothing but tired vintage fabrics! I hope you get pricked with a herpes-infected sewing needle. Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Rams Fans Screwball Hotel. People badmouth 80's fashions all the time, but I've been waiting 20 years now for a spandex miniskirt revival. There's just something magical about a synthetic tube barely covering a woman's ass, and the folks who made 80's soft core porn comedy "Screwball Hotel" should be applauded for capturing it in such exquisite detail. This movie also introduces us to a great, underrated uniform fetish: the buxom female bellhop. Memo to the folks at the Omni in Richmond: THAT is how you fucking do hospitality, people. Gratuitous Simpsons Quote "Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!" Halftime Masturbation Kit -For the guys: Dorota Doda Rabczewska. (gallery has some thong shots and may be NSFW) If you say Dorota's name three times quickly, you end up swallowing your own tongue. Dorota is from Poland. I'd like to put my kotlet schabowy into HER drozdzowka, if you know what I mean! -For the gals: Actor Chris Evans. Is that an Atlanta Braves tattoo? What a douche.. Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend "YOU LYING WHORE! YOU USED ME! YOU NEVER LOVED ME! I HOPE YOU SLIDE UNDER A GAS TRUCK AND TASTE YOUR OWN BLOOD! DIE! DIE! I WANT MY RECORDS BACK! I WANT MY RECORDS BACK!!!!" -Kinison Enjoy the games, everyone. Photoshops courtesy of 289.