Five Throwgasms Cowboys at Packers: Last year the Cowboys were far and away the best team in the NFC during the regular season. And there's every indication that they have now widened that gap even further, particularly if they beat the Packers. But you Cowboys should know something. You could go 16-0. You could win the Super Bowl. But until one of your wideouts attempts to fucking murder a teammate, and one of your defensive ends whips out his enormocock and throws poopy toilet paper at assistants, you will NEVER capture the hearts and loins of the Dallas faithful like the old Cowboys did. If I were you, I'd start fucking in airplanes more. Jaguars at Colts: Holy shit, the Colts are injured. I blame this on the Colts' training staff, who administer to all team injuries by placing their hands over the affected area, saying a small prayer, and then punching a gay person. Steelers at Eagles: It's bragging rights between Pittsburgh and Philly to decide which is the better town! It's like a trivia contest between Kige Ramsey and a piece of driftwood.
Three Throwgasms Panthers at Vikings: Witness the potential miracle of a Viking QB throwing two straight completions. Cardinals at Redskins: With the injuries to the Seahawks, the Buzzsaw is, quite clearly, the most talented team in the NFC West. They SHOULD win this division, which is why they won't. Bucs at Bears
Two Throwgasms Dolphins at Patriots: If Matt Cassel wins another game, you will invariably start seeing non-Patriot fans on message boards using the phrases "Tom Brady" and "system QB" in the same sentence. I know I've had my fun with Patriots fans. But, honestly, if you Boston folk see anyone do this, you have carte blanche to bury a steak knife in that person's face. Bengals at Giants: Jesus, it's like someone swapped the Giants' September schedule with Kansas State's. Lions at 49ers Raiders at Bills Texans at Titans Browns at Ravens
One Throwgasm Chiefs at Falcons: It's hard to put into words just how terrible the Chiefs were last week. I don't know why they can't just show high-res images of Kelli Croyle throughout the duration of the telecast. Rams at Seahawks Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall/Metallica Mea Culpa