Five Throwgasms Redskins at Cowboys: My colleague KOGOD has pointed out the bizarre circumstance of Skins GM Vinny Cerrato hosting his own radio show every day on WTEM, a station owned by Dan Snyder. Cerrato, who serves as Snyder's personal buttplug, does little more on the show than spin all negative press regarding the team and answer softball questions from co-host/team fluffer George Michael (who looks like a talking skull at this point). It's particularly annoying since Cerrato is supposed to be, you know, RUNNING THE FUCKING TEAM. With the recent purchase of WTEM, Snyder now owns almost every sports talk radio station in town. And it would surprise no one if he eventually owned them all, and then gradually eased out anyone critical of him in the process. You're hard pressed now to find, in any town, a sports talk radio station that is not owned by a team or owned by ESPN, who is in bed with every team. And that means more and more sports radio programming and game broadcasts in your town will be little more than some piece of shit informercial. This is a cartel of sports talk radio, I tell you. It's like Big Oil. It's Big Retard. And I won't stand for it. Fuck you in the pants, Dan Snyder. All the polish in the world can't hide the fact that Carlos Rogers will get a torched like a fucking baked Alaska come Sunday.
Three Throwgasms Falcons at Panthers: I watched the Panthers play the Vikings last week. It was one of those games where a flag was thrown every seven seconds. At one point, the Vikings had committed two consecutive holding penalties and had 3rd and forever, then the Panthers committed illegal contact and handed the first down back to them. Games like that make me want to chew my own hand off. Eagles at Bears Vikings at Titans
Two Throwgasms Broncos at Chiefs: Over the past few years, Mike Shanahan has pioneered all sorts of delightful ways to fuck over fantasy fans. He practically invented the running back by committee approach, and for that alone he deserves to locked in a tanning bed until he burns to death. But this year he's taken his treachery to new, galling heights. Not only is he operating a running back by committee with Selvin Young and Andre Hall, but he is now employing Michael Pittman as a TD vulture for both of them. Usually, a coach will fuck you by going RBBC, or he'll fuck you deploying a vulture to rob the main carrier of a well-deserved TD (Tiki Barber/Brandon Jacobs). But to combine the RBBC and vulture roles into one three-man shitheap is virtually unprecedented. You are a horrible, horrible man, Mike Shanahan. You have no morals, and it wouldn't surprise me if you dabbled in canine sacrifice. Browns at Bengals: Brady Quinn's all lubed up, boys! Cardinals at Jets: From Peter King this week:
Brett Favre to ESPN's Ed Werder, last Thursday, on the Pack's strong two-game start: "When they have 16 good ones, then call me.''What. A. Douche. Enjoy your 6-10 tailspin, you fucking cowgirl. Chargers at Raiders: We're three weeks into the season, and as of right now, the highest scoring player in all of fantasy football is fucking Marmalard. Not only that, Marmalard is also the highest rated passer in the league, and leads the league in TD passes. And if you don't think he'll angrily shout out his stats to Oakland fans in the stands as he runs out of the tunnel, you don't know Marmalard the way I do. Texans at Jaguars 49ers at Saints
One Throwgasm Bills at Rams: The Rams benched Marc Bulger this week. That should fix everything! Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall