Those clever Dolphins with their misdirection. I know if I stare long enough Ronnie Brown is going to pop out of nowhere and run my ass into the ground. Brown rushed for 125 yards and a touchdown while Chad Pennington continued to excel at keeping the ball from hitting the ground (75.8% passing). Another big win for the annoyingly plucky Dolphins, 17-10. In other news, LaDainian Tomlinson is in serious danger of losing his sweet Vizio endorsement deal. If he doesn't pick up the fucking pace he's going to have to start paying for all of his own shitty plasmas. Plus no more corporate outings with Colin Cowherd. No LaDainian, you must turn this season around. For Colin. • The Patriots are leading the 49ers in the fourth quarter by six points. Coincidentally, six points is the established point spread in this contest. If those assholes win without covering I might become a threat to my own safety. J.T. O'Sullivan, my burgeoning personal nemesis, has managed three touchdown passes despite completing just 10 total. There's still plenty of time left for this one to be
decided. • Dallas is barely holding on against a Bengals team determined to wreak havoc on the NFC East before ultimately failing. Of course they could still turn this one around as there are four minutes left in the game, but they'll need the ball back to do anything. Dallas leads 24-22. • JP Losman is back, and so are the losses in Buffalo's record. What a serendipitous happenstance! The Bills hung tough for a while after the loss of Trent Edwards, only to watch Arizona finally wake up from last week's assault. The Buzzsaw rid themselves of some frustration by outscoring their opponent 17-3 in the second half to pull away for the 41-17 drubbing. • The Denver-Tampa Bay game bored the shit out of me from the very first play, so I turned it off and never switched back. I'm told that Jeff Garcia has been moderately successful in relief of Brian Griese with one touchdown against one interception, however Denver is up 16-13 with the ball in the final two minutes. Surely their one actual quarterback can get the job done where the Bucs tag-team of mediocrity ultimately failed. • If you live in the Washington DC metropolitan area and you aren't a fan of the Redskins might I suggest leaving town immediately. You will not like what this city is about to turn into, while I on the other hand cannot wait. With the Redskins at 4-1, and their upcoming games against the likes of St. Louis, Cleveland, and Detroit it's safe to say that shit's about to get out of hand around here. The Redskins won on the road in the NFC East for the second straight week, 23-17 over the Eagles. • Oh Sage Rosenfels, you are one colossal fuck up. The NFL's chosen quarterback had to milk the clock in the final minutes of Houston's would-be upset of Indianapolis. Three turnovers later and the epic collapse was complete, and in the middle of the High Holidays no less! Somebody's gonna need a hug from his mishpucha. Indianapolis was gifted a 31-27 victory. • No, Vince Young didn't make the return some had speculated, but Joe Flacco and Kerry Collins both put together stat lines that were a clear homage to the beleaguered quarterback. Flacco was 18-27 for 153 while Collins went 17-32 for 163 yards in another win for Tennessee, this time 13-10 over Baltimore. • The Wildcat offense must have been written in an obsolete vernacular, because the Chargers looked like they were trying to read Chaucer in Middle English. • Everything's coming up Matty Ice! The rookie added another improbable win to his rookie resume, his third of the season which is as many as many thought he'd see all year. This time it was a 27-24 win in Green Bay behind two touchdowns from Ryan and another pair of big days from Roddy White and Michael Turner. Aaron Rodgers threw for three touchdowns in the loss. So Brett Favre. • Kansas City and Seattle should be suspended for a week. And can we just hurry up and take away Detroit's Thanksgiving day? We cannot allow their suck to ruin yet another holiday ruining itself with the interaction of family and alcohol.