Five Throwgasms Colts at Packers: I still subscribe to Sports Illustrated, though I can't think of a good reason why. "Oooh, look! Week old game recaps! And pictures of swimming!" Anyway, tucked inside SI is the SI Players section, which is SI's retarded attempt to look like ESPN Magazine. Because ESPN Mag is so hip and "with it," you see. Wanna know what kind of core exercises Donovan McNabb does? Neither do I! Inside the SI Players section is the Pop Culture Grid, in which four athletes (one of whom is always a token WNBA player) are asked to give quick responses to four different questions, like "Favorite Food," or "Britney Spears Is…" (many of the athletes answer either "CRAZY!" or "A singer of some kind"), or "Book I'm Reading" (most of the players say NONE to that one). The other week's grid included AJ Hawk. One of the question categories was "Best Band Name Ever" One athlete said Jamiroquai, which makes no sense at all. But Hawk's answer was even more mind-boggling: "Dave Matthews Band". OMG! What a cool name! A guy named a band after himself! No one ever does that! Especially when they have a name as unusual and exotic as Dave Matthews. Holy shit. Hey AJ, what's the coolest TV show name ever? "The Geena Davis Show." Coolest movie name ever? "The Simpsons Movie." Best book name ever? "Rickles Book." As Lee Donowitz once said, "I've got more taste in my penis." Chargers at Bills: They did a profile on Marshawn Lynch on Countdown the other week, and it was all about how Lynch goes into "Beast Mode" for every game. They used special effects (Marshawn's eyes went all cloudy) and sound design (tigers growling!) and everything. And that's ESPN for you: deploying a shitload of production value to tell you absolutely nothing useful. Oooh, it's like he turns into some kind of ANIMAL when he goes out onto the field. Never heard that one before. He's Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Solid. Fucking fascinating.
Three Throwgasms Ravens at Dolphins: I saw the Browns bust out the Wildcat formation on Monday Night. Tony Sparano ain't gonna like dat, Romeo Crennel, ya fat fuckin' moolinyan. DAT'S HIS FUCKIN' GIMMICK, FUCKO. Ya believe the balls on this prick? Browns at Redskins
Two Throwgasms Vikings at Bears: That's two games in a row now where the Vikings have won because of a pass interference call. The first one, against the Saints, was valid. The second one, against the Lions, was one of the worst calls I've ever seen. It's time to make pass interference eligible for review. It's way overdue. Everyone keeps saying it's a subjective call. Fine. That may be in some cases. But it isn't a subjective call when it's clear to anyone with a brain that the defender didn't interfere, as it was last week. Have enough confidence in the officials to let them reverse a judgment call like that. Give them their fucking balls back. These are huge fucking chunks of yardage we're talking about here, severe penalties that really do cost teams games. You have to give coaches some kind of recourse for that. Otherwise, teams will just keep chucking the ball at the end of games and hope to get a lucky, irreversible flag. In fact, this constitutes the entirety of Brad Childress' playbook, along with "Pass #1" and the rarely used "Pass #2". Cowboys at Rams: Steve DeBerg thinks you're a fucking pussy, Tony Romo. As an aside, the news of Romo's broken pinky caused the Mrs. and I to rank our fingers in order of importance. In other words, if you had to lose a finger, which one would you want to lose least? The pinky ranked a surprising #3. #1 – Index finger #2 – Thumb #3 – Pinky #4 – Middle #5 – Ring I'm not sure about the top spot. I think having no index finger but retaining the thumb might be optimal. Then again, I sure do like pointing at shit. I'm also not sure I could drive on the Beltway without a middle finger. But I think we can all agree the ring finger is fucking useless. Even a hindrance, if your marriage happens to be a regrettable one. Steelers at Bengals 49ers at Giants Jets at Raiders Titans at Chiefs
One Throwgasm Seahawks at Bucs Lions at Texans Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall