Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," featuring 100% new material, hits stores on October 27th but is available online right now here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK. This is my first year as a subscriber to DirecTV's Superfan package. We at Deadspin have enjoyed bashing DirecTV time and time again. Not everyone can get it. They fuck up game blackouts. The packages are expensive, particularly in light of recent events. Then there's that fucking delay sometimes when you change channels. Oh, how I loooathe that delay. Hey assholes, when I change the channel, I expect that channel to fucking CHANGE. Nine times out of ten, I'll change the channel, get the delay, press the button six more times to make sure it works, and then watch those channel changes aggregate into one giant seven-channel leap thirty seconds later. Grrrrrrrr…Oh, and the goddamn thing sometimes goes out because it fucking RAINS. "Oh, no! Water!" I cannot begin to tell you all the myriad ways in which DirecTV can go fucking eat hog. But the Red Zone Channel… the Red Zone Channel is a gift from Jesus. It represents the very best of mankind: innovation, technology, laziness. It is a landmark in our advancement as a species, much like the wheel, and the printing press, and the remote-controlled butterfly vibrator. I'm convinced that whoever devised it should be placed in charge of all our national affairs and declared Xephod, Lord Of All Florae And Faunae. I paid $100 extra for the Red Zone Channel this year. But I would gladly pay more for it. I would donate limbs. I would carry out contract hits. I would make love to a feral animal to ensure it a permanent place in my existence. But that doesn't even go far enough for me. I want more of Red Zone Channel in my life somehow. I only see it 16 times a year. That isn't enough. I want this relationship to be a daily affair. I want a Red Zone Channel that works for ALL of TV. Last Saturday night, there was a baseball playoff game on AND three solid college football games on (PSU-WIS, OSU-MIZ, FLA-LSU). Shouldn't there be a Red Zone Channel for THAT? I have a LAST button on my remote, but that only toggles between two channels. That's not enough. I want the television to intercut for me between 375 different channels. I want a man in a production truck outside my house watching 300 monitors at once and determining what, at that instant, will give me optimum viewing pleasure. I want to be able to watch the following all within a ten-minute span: -A home run -A touchdown -The only sex scene from a movie showing on HBO -Bear Grylls eating something he shouldn't be eating -Skirt shot of Campbell Brown -The part on "House" where House has his epiphany ("Flu! Of course!") -The parts of "The Daily Show" where Stewart isn't interviewing some boring asshole -Any time on "South Park" when Cartman says something -The part on "Project Runway" where Heidi emerges from behind the scrim in a skirt the size of a wristband I don't see why this should be so hard. Red Zone Channel has shown us the way of the future. It's a future where we never have to watch anything in its entirety. Where we don't have to complete anything. Where we get nothing but the good and none of the boring, shitty parts. Perhaps our memories could be engineered in a similar way. Perhaps there's a kind of Red Zone Channel of parenting, where my child, should she throw a tantrum, can temporarily be replaced with a happier child, and so forth. There's a whole new world of possibilities here. And we owe it all to Red Zone Channel, the glorious invention that saves me from the Herculean effort of having to punch up numbers on a remote control. God bless those people. The Games All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms Colts at Packers: I still subscribe to Sports Illustrated, though I can't think of a good reason why. "Oooh, look! Week old game recaps! And pictures of swimming!" Anyway, tucked inside SI is the SI Players section, which is SI's retarded attempt to look like ESPN Magazine. Because ESPN Mag is so hip and "with it," you see. Wanna know what kind of core exercises Donovan McNabb does? Neither do I! Inside the SI Players section is the Pop Culture Grid, in which four athletes (one of whom is always a token WNBA player) are asked to give quick responses to four different questions, like "Favorite Food," or "Britney Spears Is…" (many of the athletes answer either "CRAZY!" or "A singer of some kind"), or "Book I'm Reading" (most of the players say NONE to that one). The other week's grid included AJ Hawk. One of the question categories was "Best Band Name Ever" One athlete said Jamiroquai, which makes no sense at all. But Hawk's answer was even more mind-boggling: "Dave Matthews Band". OMG! What a cool name! A guy named a band after himself! No one ever does that! Especially when they have a name as unusual and exotic as Dave Matthews. Holy shit. Hey AJ, what's the coolest TV show name ever? "The Geena Davis Show." Coolest movie name ever? "The Simpsons Movie." Best book name ever? "Rickles Book." As Lee Donowitz once said, "I've got more taste in my penis." Chargers at Bills: They did a profile on Marshawn Lynch on Countdown the other week, and it was all about how Lynch goes into "Beast Mode" for every game. They used special effects (Marshawn's eyes went all cloudy) and sound design (tigers growling!) and everything. And that's ESPN for you: deploying a shitload of production value to tell you absolutely nothing useful. Oooh, it's like he turns into some kind of ANIMAL when he goes out onto the field. Never heard that one before. He's Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Solid. Fucking fascinating.
Four Throwgasms Broncos at Patriots: If it's Broncos 30, Patriots 3, make this one a five-throwgasm game. There's nothing like spending three hours watching Belichick say to himself, "THIS IS NOT HOW I FUCKING PLANNED IT." Saints at Panthers
Three Throwgasms Ravens at Dolphins: I saw the Browns bust out the Wildcat formation on Monday Night. Tony Sparano ain't gonna like dat, Romeo Crennel, ya fat fuckin' moolinyan. DAT'S HIS FUCKIN' GIMMICK, FUCKO. Ya believe the balls on this prick? Browns at Redskins
Two Throwgasms Vikings at Bears: That's two games in a row now where the Vikings have won because of a pass interference call. The first one, against the Saints, was valid. The second one, against the Lions, was one of the worst calls I've ever seen. It's time to make pass interference eligible for review. It's way overdue. Everyone keeps saying it's a subjective call. Fine. That may be in some cases. But it isn't a subjective call when it's clear to anyone with a brain that the defender didn't interfere, as it was last week. Have enough confidence in the officials to let them reverse a judgment call like that. Give them their fucking balls back. These are huge fucking chunks of yardage we're talking about here, severe penalties that really do cost teams games. You have to give coaches some kind of recourse for that. Otherwise, teams will just keep chucking the ball at the end of games and hope to get a lucky, irreversible flag. In fact, this constitutes the entirety of Brad Childress' playbook, along with "Pass #1" and the rarely used "Pass #2". Cowboys at Rams: Steve DeBerg thinks you're a fucking pussy, Tony Romo. As an aside, the news of Romo's broken pinky caused the Mrs. and I to rank our fingers in order of importance. In other words, if you had to lose a finger, which one would you want to lose least? The pinky ranked a surprising #3. #1 – Index finger #2 – Thumb #3 – Pinky #4 – Middle #5 – Ring I'm not sure about the top spot. I think having no index finger but retaining the thumb might be optimal. Then again, I sure do like pointing at shit. I'm also not sure I could drive on the Beltway without a middle finger. But I think we can all agree the ring finger is fucking useless. Even a hindrance, if your marriage happens to be a regrettable one. Steelers at Bengals 49ers at Giants Jets at Raiders Titans at Chiefs
One Throwgasm Seahawks at Bucs Lions at Texans Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Wolf Like Me," by TV on the Radio. Last week, commenter Marth noted, "'The Rat' made me almost dislike The Walkmen, in the sense that it's so completely awesome that it makes every other one of their songs seem lame in comparison." Ditto for this song and this band for me. Embarassing Album I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"Throwing Cooper," by Live. I've owned a lot of stupid albums in my lifetime. Hair metal. Cheesy R&B. The Fantasia soundtrack (I liked napping to it). Whatever. But I'm not really all that embarrassed about having owned those albums. Shit, I still like plenty of them. But this album. Oh, this album. I truly regret having ever liked this band. Fun fact: if you turn on a radio now, "Lightning Crashes" will be playing on at least one of the stations. Why? Who knows? All I know is that I'm partially responsible for this band's baffling endurance, and I apologize to all of you for it. Yes, it's Live: the rock band for people who want to get fired up before their ultimate frisbee match. This is the band that once wrote a song called "The Dolphins Cry," and wasn't even being ironic when they did so. Holy fuck. Shoot me now. Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death Adrian Peterson. That's two shitty games in a row from you, Purple Jesus. THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR WORSHIPPING FALSE IDOLS! Five Potential Key Injuries -Tony Romo (finger) -Brad Johnson (Parkinson's) -Romeo Crennel (African-American Sleeping Sickness) -Pacman Jones (Severe Cranial Flatulence) -Tyler Thigpen ("Pink Redeye") Suicide Pick Of The Week Last week's suicide pick of the Jets was correct, which makes me 4-2 for the year. Off the board now are the Jets, the Giants, Green Bay, San Diego, Buffalo, and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick? Pittsburgh, and tying a plastic bag around your head. People, with the cloth grocery bag movement upon us, our precious supply of plastic bags is slowly dwindling. So suffocate yourself NOW, while you have the chance! Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like Kansas City getting 7 1/2 points at home against the Titans. You know, I had a cousin named Helmut who was murdered off the coast of Martha's Vineyard back in the 70's. Know who murdered him? Roy Scheider. Know what Roy Scheider is? A FUCKING JEW AND A HALF." 2008 Nazi Shark Record: 1-3 Fire This Asshole! Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block: Jim Haslett Tom Cable Marvin Lewis Rod Marinelli Mike Nolan Herm Edwards Brad Childress Jim Mora Jr.? I'm just assuming Mora has fucked up so badly, he's lost his transition status. He's the Kevin O'Neill of NFL coaches. Also, with regard to Cable, has an NFL team ever fired its coach midseason, then gone on to fire its interim coach mid-season as well? I'd like to see that. That would be neat. One-Sentence Excerpt From Men With Balls "As you are probably aware now, ESPN is a gigantic, soul-sucking collective that stays alive only by feeding itself its own shit." Gametime Snack Of The Week
Boiled peanuts! The other week, I had to spend an entire night inside a convenience store shooting a television commercial. We were there until 5:30AM. If you've ever been on a shoot of any kind, you know that they are endless, agonizing affairs, with hours upon hours of dead time in between shots. So I took it upon myself to personally examine every item sold in the store. What I found was a vast and seamy collection of underground American foodstuffs. There was a LOT of potted meats. I'm a firm believer that the only things that should EVER be potted are plants, and not pig entrails. There were also canned Vienna sausages, which almost certainly were not from Vienna. There were about seventeen different brands of pork rinds (the store was located outside of Richmond). And there were canned clams in tomato sauce. From China. When you need Hepatitis right away, and you don't want to take ANY chances, that's the product for you. The more items I looked at, the less attracted to food I became. Then there was a can marked "boiled peanuts". I had never seen these before. I went up to a colleague, who was a Richmond native. Me: What are these? Him: Boiled peanuts. Me: Are they good? Him: No, they're terrible. People around here serve them sometimes. Me: Why? Him: I don't know. Me: So, they're boiled? Doesn't that make them all mushy and shit? Him: Yup. They spoon them into a bowl, and they're all soft and gross. Me: But why would you do that? Why would you make a peanut all soft and mushy? Wouldn't that specifically defeat the purpose of the peanut? Him: I think so. Me: I mean, it's not even a peanut at that point. It's a fucking chickpea. This conversation took place at 5AM. So you teetotalers out there should take note. You don't need to be drunk and stoned to have a completely pointless conversation in the wee hours. Gametime Beer Of The Week
Corona! When I was in middle school, there was a rapid and dizzying progression of shirt trends. And, if you didn't keep up with it, you got yourself a nasty case of social leprosy. First there was the Hard Rock Café t-shirt. Everyone had one of those. Then you had the rich kids walking around with a Hard Rock Café Paris shirt telling people, "We really DID get this shirt in Paris." Good for you, kid. Go get fucked. After the Hard Rock Café shirts came the Hard Rock Café parody shirts (Hard Cock Café! Ha!), which instantly made the original Hard Rock Café shirts seem lame and ubergay by comparison. But those were quickly overruled by the Corona Extra t-shirt. Corona t-shirts were everywhere when I was in eighth grade. Every other student was wearing one. They were omnipresent. You would have thought they would never go out of fashion, ever. And THAT is when the Sex Wax t-shirts sprung up and began to dominate. It helped that every kid I knew assumed Sex Wax was some sort of anal lubricant. That made it even EDGIER. I knew kids who bought Sex Wax and didn't even own a surfboard. They just bought it because they assumed it was important to have. And then came the whole Baja shirt trend, which I assume came about as a way for people to cover up all the out-of-fashion t-shirts they now owned. It was just as the Baja shirt trend popped up that my folks gave me my first Hard Rock Café t-shirt (London). Thanks for nothing, you two. As for Corona the beer, it is one of two beers (Dos Equis the other) that is exempt from the whole "putting lime wedges in your beer is gay" rule. If you've ever tasted a Corona without a lime wedge in it, you know why. Recently, other breweries have tried to sneak in on Corona's market share by introducing citrus-flavored beer. Bud Light Lime is the most egregious of these products. If someone serves you a Bud Light Lime at a party, stab them with a corkscrew. Random FKS-Style Tidbit My wife found an old friend on Facebook the other day, but she had no Facebook account of her own. So she used my account to send the girl a message. Only she didn't realize until after she had sent the message that my Facebook name was Drew Feltersnatch. That was fun. Robert Evans' MVP Watch! Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, when you know something's right in your gut, you gotta stick to your guns. Like when Coppola showed me his first cut of The Godfather. Coppola talented? You bet your ass. Evans daunted? Not a chance, amigo. I watched the first cut in my private screening room with Dusty Hoffman. Caviar? Oh, yes. Women? By the dozens. After I screened the cut, I got Coppola on the phone. ‘Where's the fucking movie?' I said to him. ‘It's all there,' he told me. ‘It sure is. What's with the 12 minutes of donkey footage? FIX THE CUT, BABY.' And that how I got Marlon Brando sucking on an orange back into the picture. That was ALL Evans, baby. "Your NFL MVP front-runner is Albert Haynesworth of the Titans. I like the big guy's moxie. I'd let him bang Ali McGraw any time." Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Bengals Fans
Searching For Bobby Fischer. Nazi Shark was extremely disappointed that Bobby Fischer was never actually found in this film. He took it real hard. Gratuitous Simpsons Quote "This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail! That's democracy for you." Halftime Masturbation Kit -For the guys: Suzanne Carlson. (semi-NSFW) Look out, men! She's got a horse crop! -For the gals: Prison Break's Wentworth Miller. In prison, Wentworth would be what prison officials refer to as "hard currency". Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend "Wait? I'm still here?" -Marvin Lewis Enjoy the games, everyone.