Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," featuring 100% new material, hits stores on Monday but is available online right now here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK. There's no Sunday Night Football game this week. And do you know why? It's so you can watch baseball. That's right. The higher-ups at NBC and the NFL decided that you needed a night off from football, "out of respect" for the World Series. I've never understood why networks do this. For one thing, it's arbitrary. There was a Sunday night game on last week during Game 7 of the Sox-Rays series. Why not reschedule that game too if baseball is so goddamn important? Last year, the Rockies and Broncos would have played in Denver on the same Monday night had the Rockies forced a Game 5 with Boston in the World Series. So that Monday night game would have gone on as scheduled, but the Sunday night game gets tabled in deference? Why one and not the other? It makes no sense. Even if it's to placate FOX, it still makes no sense.Furthermore, it's unnecessary. We have DVR's now. You can watch both games if you like. Shit, in today's age, most people would probably prefer to watch both events simultaneously. No one watches one sporting event back to front anymore. You need other shit to check out if the game bogs down. You need options to flip over to: to another game, to news, to porn, to Dog Whisperer, or whatever. Like I can stay on one channel for three hours straight. I'd have a brain hemorrhage if I tried to do that. But the larger point here is this: Who gives a shit if the World Series is on? Seriously, big fucking deal. No offense to the fair editor of this site, whose team is vying for a World Series title, or to baseball fans in general. But one of the reasons I watch football is specifically so I don't have to watch fucking baseball. I reject in total the idea that the sport of football has to be nice or respectful to the sport of baseball. Baseball can go eat a fucking dick, for all I care. Oooh, look everyone! We won the pennant! HOORAY, A TRIANGULAR FLAG IS NOW OURS! AND WE ONLY HAD TO PLAY 5,687 MEANINGLESS GAMES TO GET IT! Good for you. Now go die. This is an open challenge to Roger Goddell and the broadcast networks. STOP CODDLING BASEBALL. We already have boring windbags like Seth Mnookin and George Will around to slob that sport's bat knob and make it feel super neat about itself. FOOTBALL IS NOT RESPECTFUL. IT IS NOT DEFERENTIAL. It's a shit-stomping behemoth that destroys anything that gets in its way. It's time for The Ginger Hammer to put a game on opposite the World Series and give it the brutal ratings flaying it rightfully deserves. Step on that sport's throat and don't let up until you feel its windpipe collapse. Then maybe we'd be spared in the future from Tim McCarver's idiotic musings ("When you're a batter, the first thing you look for is a good pitch to hit."), or 50,000-word articles about what the Red Sox mean to Boston on an existential level. God, baseball can be fucking annoying. If poor little baseball can't stand on its own, if it needs football to move out of the way in order to flourish, then it doesn't deserve to thrive. Sorry, Leitch. I don't want football to respect baseball. I want it to spit in baseball's face and wipe its cleats on baseball's back. Fuck the World Series, fuck baseball, and fuck all that old-timey baseball bullshit. Gimme my football back. The Games All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
SFive Throwgasms Giants at Steelers: Oh, and one more thing. I'm getting really fucking sick of Cleatus, the fuckheaded FOX robot, hitting fungo balls during game leading back in from the commercials. Hey FOX, I fucking get it. You broadcast the World Series. You only mentioned it SEVEN MILLION FUCKING TIMES ALREADY. I don't need your gay little robot, who serves no purpose to begin with, hitting pop flies during the break as some kind of blatantly subliminal baseball promo. "Oh loogit! The robot's hitting balls. That reminds me, I better watch the World Series tonight! On FOX!" I swear to God I hope that robot develops the urge to become a real boy, only to end up at the bottom of the ocean for centuries, staring at a frozen picture of his human mom. Colts at Titans: Ready to bury the Colts at 3-4, are you? Ah, but that's just what they want you to believe. No team is better at getting you to think they're finally gonna shit the bed, only to come up with some incredibly annoying way of pulling it out of their collective ass. They've got you right where they want you, America. Chargers at Saints: From swinging London! The big question surrounding the Chargers is: Will Shawne Merriman join the team in Europe? I think he'd enjoy being in England. The girls there are much more polite about being raped, you know.
SFour Throwgasms Cardinals at Panthers
Three Throwgasms Bills at Dolphins: I was watching the Fins play last week and lamenting the complete disappearance of the neckroll from the league's linebacking crews. Most linebackers today use the newfangled cowboy collar to prevent from whiplash. But I remember when ‘backers like Carl Banks would tie a neckroll the size of a baguette around their shoulder pads. Looked like a rolled-up gym mat surrounding his head. And then you had former Fins linebacker Brian Cox, who had what appeared to be a barcalounger on the back of his shoulder pads. I miss all the unique contraptions NFL linebackers used to prevent getting their spines crushed. Bucs at Cowboys Falcons at Eagles
Two Throwgasms Redskins at Lions Rams at Patriots Browns at Jaguars
One Throwgasm Chiefs at Jets: If Jay Glazer's report about Brett Favre spilling secrets to the Lions is to be believed (and there's no reason to believe Favre's lame account over Glazer's, since Favre is a proven liar), then I don't ever want to hear another fucking person in the media say one goddamn word about how awesome of a guy Brett Favre is ever again. Anyone who does should be fired on the fucking spot. How is Favre not being fucking pilloried right now? What kind of little fucking BITCH rats out his old team like that? What is this asshole, sixteen years old? Brett Favre is a fucking dingleberry. Literally. He is a small, wadded ball of toilet paper and fecal residue implanted in the sweaty asscrack of another human being. Fuck him. He deserves to be scorned, shunned, and intentionally injured. Fuck you, Brett Favre. You vindictive little shit. I hope your Hall of Fame bust is a goddamn rat's head. DIE. Raiders at Ravens Bengals at Texans Seahawks at 49ers Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall