Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," featuring 100% new material, is available RIGHT FUCKING NOW in stores and online here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK. My wife is not a huge drinker. Which is great for me, since that means more gin for daddy. But it also means that, when I drink, I drink under her sober, watchful eye. And that means that, sometimes, I crack open a seventeenth beer during the game and get that look from her that says, "Now, really. Do you NEED another beer?" Well, of course I need that beer. Sixteen beers made me feel fantastic. Surely, a seventeenth beer will only make me feel AWESOMER. But women don't always understand that line of thinking. Typical.That's why I go to great lengths to replace my current beer with another beer without her noticing. That's the advantage of drinking beer out of a can. A woman can never tell how much is left in there. SNEAKY. If I can replace one dead soldier with a full beer while she's going to the bathroom or something, then I get to drink more without getting the shameful glance. Why, she might even congratulate me on my restraint. Nice. Ah, but that fucking can opening sound. It always gives your alcoholism away, doesn't it? Your lady could be 5 miles away. But open that can, and within five minutes she's all like, "Are you having ANOTHER beer?" Uh, maybe. That's why I've devised a way to quietly open a beer can for you, the NFL fan and functional boozer. First, use your fingernail to gently pull up on the tab. Just a little. You don't want to get the dreaded PSST sound. You just want the tab to be ready to pull. Next, take a dish towel (these should be abundant if you are married. If you are not married, use your sweatshirt or some other kind of thick material. Use the towel to cover the mouth of the can. Next, pull the tab ever so gently, so the air inside the can seeps out without a lot of noise. Keep pulling gently so that the mouth doesn't pop open, so much as pry open. Next, place your old empty beer can in the garbage can, but be sure to bury it under some the already existing garbage, so your lady doesn't see it in the garbage and tally up how many you drank. Man, is that a buzzkill. Congratulations. You're thirtieth beer is now cleverly disguised as your twenty-ninth. SALUD! VARSITY LETTERS Live in New York? Then get your black ass to tonight's Varsity Letters reading. I'll be there. Bissinger will be there. Steinberg will be there. Alcohol will be there. Something explosive may very well happen, like me vomiting in the sink. The Games All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms Giants at Eagles: Last week, the Seahawks stripped the ball away from Donovan McNabb using what is quickly becoming my NFL defender move. I call it the "Lawnmower Strip". It's quite simple to do. Simply run up to the ball carrier while he is at the bottom of a pile. Then, dig your arm into his ribcage. Then, violently try and tear the ball away from his body. Do it right, and it will look like you are trying to start a lawnmower. It adds a touch of mayhem to any play that was whistled dead three minutes ago. Packers at Vikings: Only rated this high due to severe homerism. Colts at Steelers
Four Throwgasms Titans at Bears: Collins vs. The Sex Cannon! It's an erratic thriller! Saints at Falcons: Outside of Dan Marino, there's a distinct possibility that Matt Ryan is having the best rookie season an NFL QB has ever had. There's a mindfuck for you. Bills at Patriots
Three Throwgasms Broncos at Browns: Brady Quinn's coming out! He wants the world to know! Got to let it show!
Two Throwgasms Ravens at Texans: Tight end Owen Daniels told reporters he'd like to be a weatherman when he's done with football. He better get a littler blacker and a whole lot jollier. Seahawks at Dolphins Rams at Jets Niners at Cardinals
One Throwgasm Jaguars at Lions: I'm getting a little tired of those TGI Friday's ads. I really don't want to be sold steak fajita combo platters by some fat asshole who looks like he used to play bass for Crazy Town. Panthers at Raiders: Little known fact for you Sunday Ticket subscribers: Ticket host Andrew Siciliano does not toggle between games by watching them. Instead, he relies on his fucking HUGE ears, which allow him to quickly pick up on something interesting happening in any NFL stadium across the continental United States. Chiefs at Chargers Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Little Sister," by Queens of the Stone Age. Hot chicks dancing in silhouette will never get old. Embarassing Album I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"Back For The Attack," by Dokken. Actually, I'm not all that embarrassed about owning this album. If you're gonna own one Dokken album, this is the one. It's got "Burnin' Like A Flame" (Peep the video. They're playing pool with their guitars! And acting like firemen! And playing skeleton guitar solos! That's fucking RAWK!), "Standing the Shadows," "Mr. Scary," "Heaven Sent." That's 100% pure Dokkenness right there! No "Dream Warriors," though. We're the Dream Waaaaarriors! Don't wanna dream NO MORE! I've seen Don Dokken interviewed a couple times. He and Phil Mickelson have the exact same voice. Very high. Very goofy. Both these men sound exactly like Richard Pryor's imitation of a white person. "Yeah, come on, peckerhead! Come on, you fucking joikoff! SONOFABITCH, COME ON!" Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death Tony Romo. Jesus, how long does it take to come back from a broken pinkie? People drafted you near the end of the first round or the top of second, Mr. Jessbanger. They invested a lot in you. And you repay them by pussying out because your little tea-sipping finger isn't quite up to snuff? YOU DISGUST ME, ROMO. Rush Limbaugh says you're clearly just another Mexican immigrant looking for a worker's comp handout! Bonus note to Willis McGahee, who was activated last week and then proceeded to NOT CARRY THE BALL FUCKING ONCE. If you aren't gonna play, THEN DON'T SUIT UP, FUCKFACE. Go make babies or something, you fuck. Five Potential Key Injuries -Willis McGahee (knee) -Derek Anderson (equine testicle castration) -Gus Frerotte (other shoe dropping) -Travis Henry (overly viscous urine) -Ted Ginn (hairy liver) Suicide Pick Of The Week Last week's suicide pick of the Bears was correct, which makes me 6-3 for the year. Off the board now are the Jets, the Giants, Chicago, Jacksonville, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Buffalo, and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick? Arizona, and intentional hypothermia. Okay, so what you do is, you soak all your clothes in ice water. Then you climb to the top of a very tall mountain. And then you sit. Maybe listen to some music if you wish (may I suggest "Cold Feelings" by Social D?). Within a few hours or so, PRESTO! You're a Mansicle. Enjoy! Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like Atlanta getting 1 point at home against New Orleans. Hey, ever notice there are no great BLACK sharks? That's because fried chicken can't swim." 2008 Nazi Shark Record: 1-6 Fire This Asshole! Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block: Jim Haslett Tom Cable Mike Singletary Marvin Lewis Rod Marinelli Herm Edwards Norv Turner Wade Phillips Romeo Crennel Gary Kubiak Jack Del Rio Time to bring big fat Romeo Crennel back into the mix. And let's welcome newcomers Gary Kubiak and Jack "Keep Chopping" Del Rio to the list. Oh, this is not a good year for the suit-wearing coach set. Men's Wearhouse revenues could fall by as much as 30%. Gametime Snack Of The Week
Jack Link's Flamin' Buffalo Chicken Nuggets! I picked up a bag of these last week, because I'm a huge fan of meat in pouches. A couple of things here. First of, jerky of any kind is wayyy too expensive. You mean I gotta shell out six bucks for a bag of dried-out cow throat? Come on. What's the markup on this shit? 40,000%? Beef jerky costs more per pound than fucking beluga caviar. Anyway, to the nuggets. Chicken and/or turkey jerky is never a wise thing to purchase. But I don't eat with my head. I eat WITH MY GUT. My huge, saturnine gut. So in my bag they went. When I got out of the store, I tore open the bag and gazed in. Inside the bag was one of those small pouches of silicate powder or something that is used to keep the meat "fresh." You are not supposed to eat the silicate, or else you will die. So I find it somewhat ironic that my meat is kept fresh by way of poisonous substances. As for the nuggets themselves. They tasted pretty much like a chicken wing that had been left out in a hotel pan 20 hours after they had been originally served. You know how old dark chicken meat kind of gets translucent? That's what they looked like. They were also covered in a kind of buffalo paste. They looked like fox turds rolled in tomato paste. I ate the whole bag in three seconds. Halloween Candy Mea Culpa Last week, I ranked Halloween candy in order like so: 1. Reese's Cups 2. Snickers (Fun Size, not the minis. The minis are gay) 3. Butterfinger 4. M&M's minibags 5. Mounds/Almond Joy 6. Nestle Crunch 7. Hershey Minis This was an idiotic list, and I'd like to apologize to you for its publication. I'd also like to apologize to the following candy bars: Kit Kat, Twix, Take 5, Caramello, ReeseSticks, Reese's Crispy Crunchy Bar, Reese's FastBreak, Nestle Crunch With Caramel, and no doubt countless others. I'm so sorry, you sweet delicious candies. You deserved better from a very fat man. One-Sentence Excerpt From Men With Balls "And, at least once a month, order a male hooker to your apartment, pretend to like him (and, if you do like him, pretend that you are pretending to like him), kiss him once, and then beat the ever-loving shit of him while crying your eyes out." Gametime Beer Of The Week
Yuengling cans! Yuengling makes its return to the Jamboroo this year, because I just love it that damn much. Ah, the Yuengling can. So cheap. So highly quaffable. You are a gift from the heavens on par with EZ-Pass, or Christina Ricci's old rack. I particularly enjoy cold canned beer this time of year. It's getting colder outside now, and I have to tell you that there is nothing finer than going to some party, grabbing a can of cold beer, going out on the patio without your jacket on, and getting hammered while freezing your ass off. I can't explain it. I adore it. Bonus points if you smoke. I may not smoke myself, but I appreciate the peaceful feeling that comes with lighting up outside in 30-degree weather. That is one cozy way to get lung cancer. I'd move to Yukon Territory just to drink outside in the cold all year long. It just feels so right. So very tribal. Especially if you've got an outdoor fire to stand in front of. Ever do that? Heaven. I could drink, in the cold, in front of an outdoor fire for 17 hours straight. I don't even need other people there to do it. I can just sit there, staring at the flames, drinking myself into oblivion as my eyebrows get singed off. We should all do that tonight. If you're at Varsity Letters tonight, do me a favor and start a big fucking fire in a trash barrel outside the bar. It's the Lower East Side, so no cop will give a shit. Bring all the canned beer and weed you can. We'll make it a happening. God, I love beer. Random FKS-Style Tidbit I had lentil soup for lunch the other day. Because I'm gay, you see. I am no longer allowed to have lentil soup for lunch anymore. Because lentils apparently cause my anus to dispel clouds of vapor so nauseous that you instantly disintegrate when you come into contact with them. Holy shit, were those some bad farts. Worse than my legendary zucchini bread farts Ever had a fart that smelled so terrible, you started breathing with your mouth to avoid smelling it? Only that made it worse because you felt like you could sort of taste the fart? I kept letting out these farts, one after the other, each one more horrifying than the last. Of course, I found this hilarious. My wife? Not so much. Every time I let out a whopper, I started laughing my ass off. I even made a face while I while was doing it, like, "HOLY SHIT! HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE! YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER, DIDN'T YOU?! NO WAY, LADY! FRUUUUHHHH!" Soon I was on the floor, unable to contain either my laughter or my own fumes. My wife left the room in disgust. Can't say I blame her. Anyway, might want to skip the lentil soup. Robert Evans' MVP Watch! Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, always stick to your guns. Like the time I nailed Barbara Stanwyck. Sexy? You bet! Feisty? Like no other. But you don't tame a tiger by laying down! No way I was compromising my principles to get old Little Rob a chance to play in the sandbox. Leave it ol' Evans to show that little hussy how a real man takes control. Handcuffs? You know it. Candle wax? Now we're talking. "Your front-runner for the NFL's MVP thus far is Chris Snee of the Giants. About time an offensive lineman was considered for this award. I also understand Snee is married to Tom Coughlin's kid. Wonder if the little Coughlin girl is as much a fan of discipline as her old man. Now that's a wild animal Evans could chain up!" Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans
Blazing Saddles. In honor of our new Sheriff Bart, who worked up an old Number 6 on the Republican Party. The genius of Blazing Saddles is the fact that it was the first comedy to poke unrelenting fun at racism. Because racism is so fucking stupid, it's difficult not to find it somewhat hilarious. At least, that's always been my feeling about it. Save for Gene Wilder's character, every white person in the movie is both racist and a blithering idiot. Just like in Tennessee! There's one serious moment in Blazing Saddles. It happens when Gene Wilder wakes up in his prison cell and sees Cleavon Little on the other side. Bart: Are we awake? Waco Kid: We're not sure… are we… black? Bart: Yes, we are. It's that last line that always stuck with me. It's the only sincere line in the whole movie, and it's why a movie like Blazing Saddles does more to debunk racist ideas than some dipshit award movie like fucking "Amistad" or something. Plus, it's got rape jokes. And who am I to argue with that? Gratuitous Simpsons Quote "How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?" Halftime Masturbation Kit -For the guys: KSK commenters direct you to the bridal lingerie collection at 3wishes.com. (NSFW) Pay specific attention to the "train thong," which is like a veil for your girlfriend's backside. I'm a big fan of cheaply-made, ornate decorations for a woman's asscrack. Trains, bows, ruffles, lace, chain mail, velour, link sausage. As long at the cheeks remain exposed, you really can't go wrong when it comes to accessorizing that part of the body. I've always said that Spike TV should run a show every night at 11PM called "chicks in thongs," which would consist of nothing but women running around in thongs like this. I'm pretty sure that's acceptable for cable, and that it would draw roughly 147 million male viewers a night. In fact, fuck it. We need a thong channel. Why does this channel not exist, yet Oxygen does? You cable operators make me sick. -For the gals: Half-naked pics of actors Sean Faris and Shawn Ashmore. Shawn, have you ever tried, you know, NOT being a mutant? Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend "I want that land so badly… I CAN TASTE IT." -Hedley Lamarr Enjoy the games, everyone.