The Big XII has thirteen teams in the Top 10, and this is just another night in which two of them square off on a Saturday night. The undefeated Red Raiders get their second straight prime-time big game against the once-defeated Cowboys. Brent Musberger and Kirk Herbstreit brand cows with their initials. What the world needs now, is jump, sweet jump. * * * * *Fourth Quarter 11:17 — Also, I don't do this enough (or, well, ever) but we got some pretty solid hits on the bingo sheet, so here's how we did tonight, based on what you and I saw tonight:
11:16 — Graham Harrell's postgame interview with Salters shows great promise for whenever he's finished with puberty. Maybe he can hire Cole Hamels' speech coach, if that doesn't endanger his NCAA eligibility. 11:13 — We're under two minutes and they sneak in Obama's playoff system advocacy. 11:12 — Someone remind me again why we need a college football playoff when we have analysts competing against each other, trying to outslobber one another all over certain one-loss teams. 11:10 — It appears every one-loss team has a marquee win over Ohio State. You keep using that word "marquee." I do not think it means what you think it means. 11:09 — And with that touchdown, the score goes to schfifty five, before the PAT. 20
5611:06 — Oh, and Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are Heisman hopefuls. Why don't they just get it over with and rename the trophy "The Best Quarterback On A Top Five Team" or, a name with a bit more marketing sizzle, The Weinkecrouch. 11:05 — Graham Harrell can go back to the sidelines and try to win more Heisman support than John Parker Wilson by launching a Facebook group or whatever the shit the young kids do these days. Taylor Potts will take over for tonight as the new quarterman. 11:02 — Glimmer gone. State punts away after three not-great offensive snaps. 11:00 — Not a touchdown for Texas Tech? I'm ... I'm not sure how to respond. Okie State keeps a glimmer of hope alive deep in their subcockle area with good field position. 10:59 — Lisa Salters REPORTS. It appears that the students are privy to breaking the bleachers, so in the event they bust a part of the stadium, they carry it to the top of the stadium like a drugged out punk rocker, leaving them with ample room to jump around and get down. 10:58 — Tech gets the ball back, and it should be mentioned that, with 7½ minutes left, they haven't punted yet. 10:55 — TTU lineman Brandon Carter cleans up well:
Surf's up, brah. 10:52 — This is just a friendly reminder from Best Buy: HD television can replace your dog. Help control the pet population by getting a flat-screen TV instead. 10:47 — Another touchdown. Which is basically:
4910:44 — Hmm. That took considerably more than five plays. But this is Price Is Right rules, and I beat the ethnic gentleman who doesn't understand our customs and said "1,000" and the probably-a-whore college girl who said "one dollar," so I get to play a pricing game. 10:41 — Let me close my eyes and assume Tech makes first down after first down, reading midfield after about five plays. 10:39 — Is this THE DAGGER I see before me? Darcel McBath picks off Robinson's pass on the 4-yard line. 10:38 — There's the Cowboys' mascot, Pistol Pete. He doesn't look good at basketball at all. Third Quarter 10:34 — Even though the OK Statesmen are down 22 with a quarter remaining, this AC/DC music just makes you want to rock like Woodstock, so why even leave the house and be social? 10:33 — Herbstreit takes a jab at Colby Whitlock's pink mouthguard. Don't worry, Herbie. For not conforming, he'll get the anal rape hazing that's coming to him. 10:26 — Why, yes, that's Crabtree's third touchdown catch. I didn't even realize you were counting. Musberger jokes about sawing the Heisman in half for Harrell and Crabree. I suppose that means you need to get out a machete, cut a chip in half, and mark that one down too. 20
4210:21 — In non-barbecue news, Texas Tech is gaining positive yards on passing plays. Crazy, idn'it? 10:20 — Holy mesquite rub. Musberger just recommended a place to eat in Lubbock. Mark that down with, like, three chips. 10:19 — So, if you aren't already sick of that Allstate commercial where the guys dressed up as pathetic tailgating cheerleaders, then get ready to change your mood from "annoyed" to "ENRAGED" as a non-Bob Lobaw law blog condemns the commercial for some highly specific insurance-related reason. 10:16 — State narrows the lead to 14 points after Hunter's touchdown run. Now then, let's again discuss that Sooners/Red Raiders game and how awesome it will be. As soon as Oklahoma State bumbles the PAT snap. 20
3510:16 — Another fine throw by Zac Robinson. Now, which Disney Channel heartthrob is he again? 10:13 — Look, positive yardage for OK State. A couple of large gains forces Texas Tech to call a timeout and see if they can somehow have their linebackers run curl routes. 10:12 — It's not too early to talk about Texas Tech at Oklahoma in a couple week. Musberger said so. Speaking of football, Dez Bryant scampers for about 30 yards. Kidding! T'was a holding infraction. 10:09 — We're a couple points away from a Spurrierian feat of sportsmanship. Harrell to Crabtree puts the lead to 21 — which also the number of first downs they have so far. 14
3510:06 — Texas Tech: They just, um, keep getting first downs, don't they. 10:02 — Probably not the decision I'd have done, but Brandon Pettigrew opted to fumble the ball after the catch. Me, I'd rather hold onto it, but Tech scoops up the ball at midfield and will score a touchdown in about three or so minutes. 10:00 — Ooooooooooklahoma State will start with the ball in the second half. Halftime Entertainment The reason this is compelling is because they didn't consult George Lucas on the choreography.
Second Quarter 9:39 — The last second Hail Mary worked pretty well. I mean, it made it to the end zone. That counts for something, right? No? It counts for zero points? Oh well. It still was a good throw. 9:34 — After a couple mentions, ABC drops the moving picture evidence of Gundy's postgame rant, asking in the most brazen way for a feature story about him in the newspaper. 9:33 — What great separation by Dez Bryant from his defender, which was almost as impressive as the separation by Dez Bryant's hands from the football. I got a crazy hunch that this is your halftime score. 9:31 — How about another touchdown? Sure, don't mind if I do. Whatever makes ROTC do more push-ups. 14
289:30 — There's a quick shot at Craig James's son Adam, a freshman on the Texas Tech team. If James were Lou Holtz, there's no way he could say anything bad about Tech. 9:27 — Wow, that was fast. There's only a minute left in the game, so Tech felt it might be good for someone to use a timeout at this point. ABC has some goddamn commercials to air. 9:26 — Oh, hey, guess what? Yep, another Crabtree first down, this one landing inside the five. 9:24 — Wait just a cotton plant-filming minute. Crabs don't grow on trees! #6 to #5 goes for a first down. 9:23 — Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino never played college football. You could never tell by looking at them. I thought they were both blue chip wide receivers. 9:21 — "Hi, Kelsey Grammer? You want to make another thousand bucks on your Frasier charcater? Okay, take a sip of this strange soft drink. You can spit it back out later. Theenks." 9:19 — Wait. They STILL make episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos? Is there really a need for this anymore? More to the point, how can someone pay attention for 60 minutes of little kids inflicting groin trauma on mildly suspecting uncles when this nation gets bored with that kind of stuff on YouTube after 30 seconds? 9:16 — If the football thing doesn't work out for Keith Toston, he can sell his name to a company that makes s'more ingredients. But for now, his goal line touchdown brings OKSU back in the game. 14
219:15 — Oh, I KNOW WHAT THAT IS. Oklahoma State has their own version of Sportscaster Thought Bingo. Man, those guys steal all sorts of ideas. They took Tech's idea for a horsebacked mascot, and now they want to lampoon Musberger and Herbstreit in the format of a geezer game where prizes like coffee makers and wicker furniture can be won. 9:13 — What in the name of all that is complementary? OK State holds up a play board with more clashing colors and letters that would make Warhol blush. 9:11 — Oklahoma State responds with a great drive inside the 10-yard line anchored by a great Kendall Hunter run (he already has 70 yards on eight touches), but his offense isn't nearly as pass happy, so we don't care. 9:07 — Lisa Salters reports on Crabtree's upbringing, and how it was never easy for him ... to decide whether he wanted to be a quarterback, safety, or wide receiver. Hey, we've all been there! 9:03 — Did I forget about the slant pass? They also throw slant passes. It's America's favorite amateur football duo, Harrell to Crabtree. The only problem is that Crabtree doesn't yet have a Dungeons & Dragons racial nickname. I'll stick with Orc until further notice. 7
219:00 — I've concluded that big media types have a pedophiliac attraction toward offenses that pass the ball a lot, because they're unconventional and sexy and would look good in a pair of overalls. Think about it. They loved Hawaii's run-and-shoot. They like any mid-major's spread attack. Texas Tech has had a pass-happy offense for a while, and they're eating up the checkdowns and sh___le passes and crossing routes. Here, TTU's series continues to be built on short passes that turn into first downs. They're already inside the 10. 8:58 — An OSU penalty lets Texas Tech get a free shot to ... toss a shovel pass. Not sure why he did that when he could've gone for the sexier and less reliable but more dangerous shuffle pass. First Quarter 8:55 — Fade to commercial. Nothing goes together better than ACDC and footage of cotton plants. 8:52 — A third down throw to Eric Morris extends the series, and somewhere Legolas is smiling. 8:50 — Punter/goalie Matt Fodge line drives the kick past the returner and it lands inside the 10-yard line for a net punt of 71 yards. So now Tech just gets to put extra yardage on the box score. 8:48 — On a huge 3rd and 8 play (as opposed to inconsequential third down plays, which is every one but this one), the Cowboys must take a timeout. I have nothing else to say on this, except I just saw an OK State player with the last name "Youman." There's a player who never got the impression that coaches forgot his name, but instead just pronounced it incorrectly. His childhood friend Jeff Heythere knows what it's like. 8:46 — Eric Morris, who caught the touchdown, has the nickname "Morris The Elf." You play one MMORPG during film session, and you're marked for life. 8:45 — Guess what. A first-and-goal passing touchdown. I know! 7
148:43 — Graham The Cracker keeps the ball in the pocket for a fruitfly's eternity then dumps it underneath to Woods, who finishes off a long 22-yard play with a spin move. I thought spin moves only worked in Madden. 8:41 — Dammit. Now I want to play the original Super Mario Brothers. Would it trouble the Big XII to install a few question blocks in the red zone? 8:40 — While they're reviewing a catch, Texas Tech wins my heart a jillion times over with the marching band rendition of "Super Mario Brothers Level 1-1 Sonata," or whatever in this wondrous earth it's called. 8:37 — All right, football-knowing people. Is it a "shovel pass" or "shuffle pass?" Or is it both? Whatever the correctness, Harrell tosses it to Shannon Woods for a first down. (Maybe it's a Schimmel Pass, in honor of cancer-surviving comedian Robert Schimmel, although this seems only moderately likely.) 8:35 — All these CMA Awards commercials is going to make me hate country music by the end of the night. I mean more so. 8:33 — Oklahoma State quarterback Zac Robinson is from Littleton, Colorado. No, he didn't go to Columbine. But he did have a first down taken away because his linemen felt like cheating. And there they punt. 8:29 — Ha. Musberger talked to a Texas Tech student earlier this week who said in the last two weeks he's gone to zero classes but has gotten great seats at football games. Perhaps he was skipping classes out of some kind of solidarity with the football team. 8:26 — Harrell gets the Reddish Colored Raiders on the board with a fade throw to Edward Britton, and Musberger is unable to parlay that great catch into a compliment about Michael Crabtree. (give him time.) 7
78:25 — They might as well just keep throwing screen passes to Batch. It's working considerably better than third down fumbles. 8:24 — Baron Batch is not the name of a local cookie company, he's the guy that ran for 38 yards down the right sideline. 8:23 — Not a great sign. Harrell is struggling to not fall down under his own strength. But he regains his motor skills and valiantly throws a 2-yard out pass. 8:17 — And Hunter completes the quick series with a touchdown. OR WAS IT? They're reviewing to see if he broke the invisible strawberry syrup covered plane of the end zone. And after looking it, yes, he obviously touched it down. 7
08:16 — Kendall Hunter runs up the middle for about 25 yards, and Tech is confused by this strange way of moving the ball. 8:15 — No wonder Graham Harrell throws so much. He even has trouble handing the ball off. The Cowboys pounce on the 3rd and 1 fumble and the field position is so ridiculously low, you'd think we're practically GIVING it away! 8:14 — The Techsters start with the ball, and begin with a run. One minute into the game and they've already exhausted their running plays. 8:12 — Lisa Salters interviews Tech coach Mike Leach, noting how laidback he is. That could also just be mild sedatives in the Gatorade. 8:09 — Who is that mysterious Masked Woman riding a horse? Oh, they said it was Ashley Hartzog. Now the supervillians will terrorize her family. Way to be, ABC. 8:07 — Catching highlights of #1 Alabama's overtime win at LSU. With three losses, this puts LSU's national championship hopes from "mild" to "still better than anyone in the Big Ten." 8:04 — Budget cuts have hit ESPN/ABC pretty hard, and the only CD they have (to pimp) is AC/DC's Black Ice. What tough times we live in.
Pre-Game Babble Texas Tech must be so confident about this game because their fans are more worried about who stole who's mascot idea. Oklahoma State's "Spirit Rider," introduced in the 80s, while Tech's "Masked Rider" was an official mascot in 1954. In the Southern plans of America, only one school is allowed to have the idea of a fun personality riding a lovable horse. Everything else is plagiarism. So if Texas Tech gets the crazy idea of scoring 50 points, and Oklahoma State also wants to score 50, then Texas Tech will win by default because they thought of it first. I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a bingo card today: