Lenny Dykstra For Secretary Of The Treasury

It goes without saying that now is not a particularly strong time to be in the stock market. I believe the entire NASDAQ exchange can be had for approximately $42 and a sandwich, but buying it somehow starts foreclosure proceedings on your home. (Finance is complicated.) There is one man, however, who is not afraid to take the bull by the horns and make Gordon Gekko look like a day trader playing with tooth fairy money. Meet your new broker— Mr. Leonard Kyle Dykstra. Since retiring from baseball over a decade ago, Lenny has opened a chain of car washes that he sold for $52 million (what?), started a magazine that tells rich athletes how to spend their money (seriously?), and launched his own investment newsletter that charges subscribers $1,000 a year to receive his personal advice (excuse me?). But we haven't got to the crazy part yet. His "Nails on the Numbers" stock picks are 83-0 and following them yourself would have earned you $200,000.

"He has become adroit at picking stocks, famously so, in part because he had a big investment nearly wiped out in an economic downturn in 2002. The $2 million he had in his account had dwindled to $400,000. "So I go to Wally Wall Street with his G.G. suspenders ... Gordon Gekko," Dykstra explains. "Remember him? 'Greed is good.' Great movie. So I ask, 'What happened to my money, bro? ... And I had no idea what he was talking about," says Dykstra. "It was humiliating. And I decided then and there that this would never happen to me again. I got 30 of these financial newsletters and I studied every one of them."

Dykstra also claims ("by his own accounting") to be worth $64 million dollars. He has also been sued by a few folks for not paying his bills, but that's just the cost of doing business, right? He's too busy picking out china patterns for the dishes on his private jet to worry about that crap. (The key word is "classy.") You could try attending one of his investment seminars, but let's face it—if you're not a former pro athlete you're kind of wasting your time. "You have to have chips to play in the game," he says. Seriously, we have to get this guy in the Obama cabinet. Then we hand him a Louisville Slugger and send him downtown to give Wally Wall Street a little "investment advice" upside his pretty boy, Ivy League head. I got your recovery package right here! Former Phillie Dykstra living high-flying life of an entrepreneur [Philly Daily News]